Tennessee Williams once told us. There comes a time when you look into the mirror and you realize that what you see is all you'll ever be. And then you accept or you kill yourself or you stop looking in mirrors.
田纳西威廉姆斯曾经告诉过我们，当你看着镜子，你意识到你看到的都是你曾经的样子。要么你接受，要么你自杀吧，或者你不要再看镜子。
And speaking of mirrors, someone else once said if we spend too much time scrutinizing what's in our rearview mirror, we`re certain to crash into a light post.
说到镜子，有人曾经说过，如果我们花太多时间仔细观察后视镜里的东西，我们肯定会撞到灯柱上。
I've spent the last four years of my life studying people who look in mirrors rearview and otherwise and in their search for self-awareness.
我最近四年里时间里，一直在研究那些从后视镜或其他角度看东西的人，以及他们寻找自我意识的过程。
I want to know what self-awareness really is, where it comes from, why we need it? And how to get more of it. My research team surveyed quantitatively thousands of people. We analyzed nearly 800 scientific studies and we conducted dozens of in-depth interviews with people who made dramatic improvements in their self-awareness.
我想知道什么是自我意识，它来自哪里，为什么我们需要它？我的研究团队对数千人进行了定量调查，我们分析了近800项科学研究，并对自我意识有显著提高的人进行了数十次深入访谈。
Now, initially, we're actually so worried that we wouldn't find any of these people that we called them self-awareness unicorns, true, but thank goodness we did find them.
现在，最初，我们真的很担心找不到这些人，所以我们称他们为自我意识独角兽，是的，但谢天谢地，我们确实找到了他们。
Because what those unicorns taught me would create a ground breaking revelation for how all of us can find genuine self-awareness. And that's what I want to share with you. Today, I want you to reflect on how your reflecting.
因为那些独角兽教给我的东西将为我们所有人如何找到真正的自我意识创造一个突破性的启示。这就是我想和你分享的。今天，我想让们反思一下你们是如何反思的。
I know that's a mouthful. And to get there, we're going to need to shutter one of the most widely held beliefs about finding self-awareness. But first things first. What is this thing we call self-awareness anyway, it's the ability to see ourselves clearly to understand who we are, how others see us，and how we fit into the world.
我知道这有点拗口。为了达到这个目标，我们需要打破以往人们普遍持有的一种寻找自我意识的信念。但首先要做的是，我们称之为自我意识的东西是什么，它是一种清楚地看到自己的能力，了解我们是谁，别人如何看待我们的能力,以及我们如何融入这个世界。
Self awareness gives us power. We might not always like what we see, but there's a comfort in knowing ourselves. And there's actually a ton of research showing that people who are self-awareness are more fulfilled.
自我意识给了我们力量。我们可能并不总是喜欢我们看到的，但是了解自己是一种安慰。事实上，有大量的研究表明，自我意识的人更有成就感。
They have stronger relationships. They're more creative. They're more confident and better communicators. They're less likely to lie, cheat and steal. They perform better at work and more promotable and there are more effective leaders with more profitable companies.
他们有更牢固的关系。他们更有创造力。他们更自信，更善于沟通。他们不太可能撒谎、欺骗和偷窃。他们在工作中表现更好，更容易晋升，更有效率的领导者拥有更有利可图的公司。
In a world of self-awareness. There are two types of people, those who think they're self aware, and those who actually are. It's true. My team has found that 95% of people think they're self-aware.
在一个自我意识的世界里。有两种人，一种是认为自己有自我意识的人，另一种是真正有自我意识的人。这是真的。我的团队发现95%的人认为自己有自我意识。
But the real number, close to 10 to 15%,you know what this means, don't you? It means that on a good day-on a good day, 80% of us are lying to ourselves, about whether we're lying to ourselves. Pretty scary, right? So you can imagine the challenge we had and figuring out who was truly self-aware. What do you think would have happened if I had said, hey. How self-ware are you?
但实际数字，接近10%到15%，你知道这意味着什么，不是吗？这意味在最好的情况下，80%的人都在对自己撒谎，我们是否在对自己撒谎。相当可怕，对吧？所以你可以想象我们所面临的挑战，找出谁是真正的拥有自我意识。如果我说，“嘿，你的自我意识如何？”
你觉得会发生什么？
Exactly. So to be part of our research are unicorns had to clear for hurdles. They had to believe they were self-aware as measured by an assessment. My team developed and validated. Using that same assessment. Someone who knew them well had to agree. They had to believe that they increased their self-awareness in their life.
是的。因此，作为我们研究的一部分，我们的独角兽必须克服四重障碍。他们必须相信他们拥有自我意识。这是通过我的团队开发和验证的评估标准来衡量的。使用同样的评估。了解他们的人也同意这一点。他们必须相信他们增加了他们生活中的自我意识。
We found 50 people out of hundreds and hundreds and hundreds who met our criteria. They were professionals, entrepreneurs, artists, students, stay-at-home parents. And we didn't find any patterns by industry, age, gender or any other demographic characteristic.
我们发现成百上百的人中有50人符合我们的标准。他们是专业人士、企业家、艺术家、学生、全职的父母。我们没有发现任何按行业、年龄、性别或任何其他人口统计学特征的模式。
These unicorns helped my team discover a most surprising truth. That approach you're using to examine your thoughts, your feelings, and your motives, you know, introspection. Well, you're probably doing it - there's no easy way to say this - you're probably doing it totally wrong. Yes, there is a reason so few of us are self-aware.
这些独角兽公司帮助我的团队发现了一个最令人惊讶的事实。你会用这种方法来反思你的想法、感受和动机。嗯，你可能是在这么做了，没有简单的方法来说名这个问题，你可能完全错了。是的，我们很少有自我意识是有原因的。
So let me tell you about the evening that I first discovered the ugly truth about introspection. It was about 10 p.m. on a beautiful Colorado spring evening. And I was in my office, hopped up on Diet Coke and Smartfood popcorn. And I just analyzed a set of data, and to say that I was surprised would be an understatement.
所以让我告诉你我第一次发现关于自省的让人不安的真相的那个晚上。晚上10点左右，美丽的科罗拉多州春风微扶。我在办公室里，吃着健怡可乐和智能食品爆米花，分析了一组数据，说我很惊讶这都是轻描淡写。
My team and I had just run a simple study looking at the relationship between introspection and things like happiness, stress and job satisfaction. Naturally, the people who introspected would be better off. Wouldn't you think so?
我和我的团队刚刚进行了一个简单的研究，研究了自我反省与幸福、压力和工作满意度之间的关系。当然，那些内向的人生活会更好。你觉得呢？
Our data told the exact opposite story. People who introspected were more stressed and depressed, less satisfied with their jobs and their relationships, less in control of their lives. I had no idea what was going on. And it got worse. These negative consequences increased the more they introspected.
而我们的数据则恰恰相反。内向的人承受者巨大的压力和抑郁，对工作和人际关系不太满意，对自己的生活的控制力比较弱。我不知道发生了什么事。情况变得更糟了。这些负面消息越来越多。
So I was quite confused. Later that week, I ended up coming across a 20-year-old study that looked at how widowers adjusted to life without their partners.
所以我很困惑。那周晚些时候，我最终看到了一项有20年历史的研究，它研究了鳏夫如何适应没有伴侣的生活。
The researchers found that those who try to understand the meaning of their loss were happier, less depressed one month later, but one year later, were more depressed. They were fixated on what happened instead of moving forward.Have you been there? I have.
研究人员发现，那些试图反思自己人生意义进而躺平失的人，在一个月后更快乐，不那么抑郁了。但一年后，抑郁会加倍返还。他们专注于当下发生了什么，而没有远大理想。你有这种经历吗？我有。
Self-analysis can trap us in a mental hell of our own making. So things were starting to make sense. Now, you Die Hard self-awareness fans and particularly introspection fans in the audience might be thinking, "Sure, introspection may be depressing, but it's worth it because of the insight it produces." And you're right.
自我反思会把我们困在我们自己制造的精神地狱里。所以事情就开始合乎情理了。现在，《虎胆龙威》的粉丝，尤其是自省的粉丝可能会想，“当然，自省可能令人沮丧，但这是值得的，因为它产生的自我洞察力。”你是对的。
I'm not here today to tell you that the pursuit of self-awareness is a waste of time. Not at all. I am here to tell you that the way you're pursuing it doesn't work.
我今天不是来告诉你，追求自我意识是在浪费时间的。一点也不...我在这里要告诉你，你追求它的方式是行不通的。
Here is the surprising reality: Thinking about ourselves isn't related to knowing ourselves. So to understand this, let's look at the most common introspective question: "Why?" We might be searching for the cause of a bad mood. Why am I so upset after that fight with my friend? Or we might be questioning our beliefs.
一个令人惊讶的现实：反思自己与了解自己无关，要理解这一点。让我们看看最常见的内省问题：“为什么？”我们可能在寻找心情不好的原因。为什么我和朋友吵架后这么难过？或者质疑自己的信仰。
Why don't I believe in the death penalty? Or we might be trying to understand a negative outcome. "Why did I choke in that meeting?" Unfortunately, when we ask "Why?" it doesn't lead us towards the truth about ourselves. It leads us away from it. There are so many reasons this is the case. Today I'll give you two.
我为什么不相信死刑呢？或者我们可能会试图理解一个负面的结果。”我为什么要在那次会上结巴呢？”不幸的是，当我们问“为什么？”它不会引导我们走向关于我们自己的内心真相。反而引导我们远离它。事实就是这样的，其中原因很多。今天我给你们讲两个。
Here is the first reason we shouldn't ask why: Researchers have found that no matter how hard we try, we can't excavate our unconscious thoughts, feelings and motives. And because so much is hidden from our conscious awareness, we end up inventing answers that feel true but are often very wrong.
以下是我们不应该问为什么的第一个原因：研究人员发现，无论我们多么努力，我们都无法挖掘我们无意识的思想、感受和动机。因为这么多都隐藏在我们的意识中，我们最终创造出了感觉真实，但往往这是个错觉。
Let me give you an example. Psychologists Timothy Wilson and Richard Nisbett set up a card table outside their local Meijers thrifty store in Ann Arbor, Michigan. And on that card table, they laid out four identical pairs of pantyhose. And they asked the people walking by to pick their favorite.
让我举你个例子。心理学家蒂莫西·威尔逊和理查德·尼斯贝特在密歇根州安阿伯当地的梅杰斯节俭商店外搭起了一张卡片桌。在卡片桌上，他们放出了四对完全相同的连裤袜。他们让路过的人挑选他们最喜欢的。
Now, consumer research shows that people tend to prefer products on the right. And that's exactly what happened. Even though every pair was identical, people chose pair D at a rate of four to one. And when asked why they have chosen the pair they had, they confidently declared that pair D was just better.And even - get this - even when the researchers told them about the effect of positioning, they refused to believe it.
现在，消费者研究表明，人们倾向于更喜欢右边的产品。而实际上也正是这样的。即使每一对都是相同的，人们选择D对的比率是4对1。当被问及为什么要选择他们时，他们自信地称D更好。即使如此，研究人员告诉他们排位的影响，他们也拒绝相信。
The second reason asking "Why?" is a bad idea is that it leads us away from our true nature. We like to think of our brains as supercomputers rationally analyzing information and arriving at accurate conclusions. Unfortunately, that's not what happens. Let's do a quick exercise that's based on another classic psychology study.
第二个原因是问“为什么？”是一个坏主意，它引导我们远离我们真正的本性。我们喜欢把我们的大脑看作是理性地分析信息并得出准确结论的超级计算机。不幸的是，事实并非如此。让我们根据另一项经典的心理学研究来做一个快速的练习。
So if I were to ask you to make a list of all the reasons your romantic relationship was going the way it was, what would you say? Let's say that in general your relationship is pretty awesome. But let's just pretend that yesterday you happened to get in a huge fight about the proper way to load the dishwasher. Really bad.
所以如果我让你列出你过去的的恋爱关系，你会说什么？假设一般来说，你们的关系非常棒。但让我们假设你们昨天为了装一台洗碗机争吵的很凶。真的很糟糕。
Now, because of something called "the recency effect," this is going to carry an unfair amount of weight. You might start thinking of things like, "I am so sick of his mansplaining!" Or you might think, "Why the hell does it matter so much how I load the dishwasher?" And before you know it, you're thinking your relationship isn't going so well.
现在，由于一种叫做“近期效应”的东西，这将会产生不公平的分量。你可能会开始想，“我厌倦了他的分裂！”或者你可能会想，“为什么装洗碗机会这么重要？”在你认清事实之前，你会以为你们的关系不太好。
Asking "Why?" created "alternative facts." And over time, this leads us away from who we really are. It clouds our self-perceptions. So you might be wondering if asking "Why?" makes us depressed, over-confident and wrong; it's probably not going to increase our self-awareness.
问“为什么？”造成“替代事实”。随着时间的推移，这让我们远离了真正的本性。它笼罩着我们的自我感知。所以你可能会想问是否问“为什么？”让我们沮丧，过度自信和错误；这可能不会增加我们的自我意识。
But don't worry. I'm not here today to tell you to stop thinking about yourselves. I am here to tell you to start doing it just a little bit differently.
但别担心。我今天不是来告诉你不要再想自己了。我在这里告诉你开始做一点不同的事情。
So if we shouldn't ask "Why?" then, what should we ask? Do you remember our self-awareness unicorns? When we looked at how they approached introspection, we found the answer. We analyzed literally hundreds of pages of trans, and we saw a very clear pattern.
所以如果我们不应该问“为什么？”那么，我们应该问什么呢？你还记得我们有自我意识的独角兽吗？当我们看到他们是如何进行自省时，我们找到了答案。我们分析了大量的实例，我们看到了一个非常清晰的模式。
Although the word "why" appeared less than 150 times, the word "what" appeared more than 1000 times. Let me give you a few examples. Nathan, a brand manager, got a terrible performance review from his new boss. Instead of asking, "Why are we like oil and water?" he asked, "What can I do to show her I'm the best person for this job?" It changed everything. People now point to Nathan and his boss as proof that polar opposites can work together.
虽然“为什么”这个词出现了不到150次，但“什么”这个词出现了超过1000次。让我给你举几个例子。内森是一名品牌经理，他从他的新老板那里得到了一个糟糕的表现评价。但是它没有问，“我们为什么意见相左？”他问：“我能做些什么来让她知道我是这份工作的最佳人选？”这改变了一切。人们现在指出，内森和他的老板证明了极端对立可以共存的。
Sarah, an education leader, was diagnosed with breast cancer in her late 40s. And when she asked, "Why me?" she said it felt like a death sentence. So then she asked, "What's most important to me?"
教育领袖萨拉在40多岁时被诊断出患有乳腺癌。当她问，“为什么是我？”她说这感觉像是判死刑。然后她问，“对我来说最重要的是什么？”
This helped her define what she wanted her life to look like in whatever time she had left. She's now cancer free and more focused on the relationships that mean the most to her.
这有助于她理解，她内心所希望在人生最后一次看到自己生活是什么样子。她现在没有患癌症，她现在更关注那些对她来说最重要的事情。
Jose, an entertainment industry veteran, hated his job. And instead of getting stuck, what most of us would do, and ask, "Why do I feel so terrible?" he asked, "What are the situations that make me feel terrible, and what do they have in common?"
乔斯，一个娱乐业的老手，讨厌他的工作。但是他没有没限制住。我们大多数人会问”为什么我感觉这么糟糕?”但是他问道”是什么情况让我感觉很糟糕，它们有什么共同点?”
He quickly realized that he would never be happy in this job, and it gave him the courage to pursue a new and far more fulfilling career path as a wealth manager. So these are just three examples of dozens of unicorns that asked "What?" instead of "Why?" Do I have any Nathans or Sarahs, or Joses in the room? I'll add one more: Tasha.
他很快意识到他永远不会喜欢这份工作，这给了他勇气去追求一个新的，更有成就感的职业道路，成为一个理财经理。这只是几十个独角兽问”什么”而不是”为什么”的三个例子。房间里有没有什么nathans 或者 sarahs 或者 joses？我再加一个: tasha。
So earlier this year, I published a book about all of this, which I am so proud of. But one day, for some unknown reason, I did what every author is never supposed to do. I read my Amazon reviews. And, you guys, it was devastating.
所以今年早些时候，我出版了一本关于这一切的书，我为此感到骄傲。但有一天，出于某种未知的原因，我做了每个作家都不该做的事。我看了亚马逊的评论。而且，伙计们，这是毁灭性的。
I asked, "Why are people being so mean to me about a book that I spent thousands of hours researching and wrote to make their lives better?" Right? I fell into a spiral of self-loathing. It was honestly one of the low points of my life.
我问，为什么人们对我这本书这么刻薄，我花了几千个小时研究写作，来改善他们的生活对吧？我陷入了自我厌恶的漩涡。说实话，那是我人生的低谷之一。
A couple of weeks went by, and it dawned on me that maybe I should take my own advice. So I tried a different question. I asked, "What about all those people who were telling me that my book has helped them change their lives." What a different outcome. So no, I wasn't doing it right either. This is not an easy world, is it? Not at all. She knows, we all know.
几个星期过去了，我突然意识到，也许我应该接受自己内心的声音。所以我换了个问题。我问”那些告诉我，我的书改变了他们生活的人呢”多么不同的结果啊。所以不，我也没做什么。这个世界并不容易，是吗？一点也不。她知道，我们都知道。
But I have seen so much evidence that self-awareness gives us a much better shot at finding happiness and success in this crazy world. To start, we just need to change one simple word. Change "why" to "what." Why-questions trap us in that rearview mirror.
但是我已经看到了很多证据，证明自我意识能让我们在这个疯狂的世界里，更好地找到幸福和成功。首先，我们只需要改一个简单的词。把”为什么”改成”什么”为什么-问题把我们困在后视镜里。
What-questions move us forward to our future. As human beings, we are blessed with the ability to understand who we are, what we want to contribute, and the kind of life we want to lead.
什么问题会推动我们走向未来。作为人类，我们有幸有能力理解我们是谁，我们想要做出什么贡献，以及我们想要过着怎样的生活。
Remember, our self-awareness unicorns had nothing in common except a belief in the importance of self-awareness and a daily commitment to developing it. That means we can all be unicorns.
记住，我们的自我意识独角兽除了相信自己的重要性和自我传承自我发展之外，没有任何共同点。这意味着我们都可以是独角兽。
The search for self-awareness never ever stops. Life goes on. It's up to us to choose to learn and grow from our mistakes and our tragedies, and our successes.
对自我意识的追求从未停止过。生活还要苟且。我们应该选择从错误、悲剧和成功中学习和成长。
One of the best quotes I've ever heard on this subject is from Rumi. He said, "Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I'm wise, so I am changing myself."
关于这个问题，我听到过的最好的名言之一就是来自鲁米。他说：“昨天我很聪明，我想改变这个世界。今天我很聪明，所以我正在改变自己。”
Thank you very much.
多谢。
