091.(LV3-3)EIQ Husbands Commentary

Publish Date: September 16, 2007
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by Dr. John Gottman
My data on newlywed couples indicate that more husbands are being trans-
formed. About 35 percent of the men we've studied fall into the category of
"emotionally intelligent husbands". Research from previous decades sug-
gests the number used to be much lower. Because this type of husband hon-
ors and respects his wife, he will be open to learning more about emotions
from her. He will come to understand her world and those of his children
and friends. He may not emote in the same way that his wife does, but he
will learn how to better connect with her emotionally. As he does so, he'll
make choices that show he honors her. When he's watching the football
game and she needs to talk, he'll turn off the TV and listen. He is choosing
"us" over "me".
I believe the emotionally intelligent husband is the next step in social evolu-
tion. This doesn't mean that he is superior to other men in personality,
upbringing, or moral fiber. He has simply figured out something very
important about being married that the others haven't yet. And this is how to
honor his wife and convey his respect to her. It is really that elementary.
The new husband is likely to make his career less of a priority than his fam-
ily life because his definition of success has been revised. Unlike husbands
before him, he makes a detailed map of his wife's world. He keeps in
touch with his admiration and fondness for, and he communicates it by
turning toward her in his daily actions.
This benefits not only his marriage but his children as well. Research shows
that a husband who can accept influence from his wife also tends to be an
outstanding father. He is familiar with his children's world and knows all
about their friends and their fears. Because he is not afraid of emotions, he
teaches his children to respect their own feelings-- and themselves. He turns
off the football game for them, too, because he wants them to remember him
as having had time for them.
The new type of husband and father leads a meaningful and rich life.
Having a happy family base makes it possible for him to create and work
effectively. Because he is so connected to his wife, she will come to him not
only when she is troubled but when she is delighted. When the city awak-
ens to a beautiful fresh snowstorm, his children will come running for him to
see it. The people who matter most to him will care about him when he lives
and mourn him when he dies.
The other kind of husband and father is a very sad story. He responds to the
loss of male entitlement with righteous indignation, or he feels like an
innocent victim. He may become more authoritarian or withdraw into a
lonely shell, protecting what little he has left. He does not give others very
much honor and respect because he is engaged in a search for the honor and
respect he thinks is his due. He will not accept his wife's influence because
he fears any further loss of power. And because he will not accept influence
he will not have very much influence. The consequence is that no one will
much care about him when he lives nor mourn him when he dies.