S1-6

Cabin Pressure  Fitton

(bing-bong)

ARTHUR: Goodevening, ladies and gentlemen, lords and ladies, Your Majesty... This is yourcaptain speaking, Captain, Wing Commander, Sir Arthur Shappey, welcoming youaboard this world-record-attempting flight around... the world. Passengers onboth sides of the aircraft should have excellent views of... the world. If youfind we're going over a bit of the world you like the look of, do please ringyour little bell and one of the cabin crew will fit you with a parachute andchuck you out. Otherwise, enjoy the flight and when we get to Sydney, do keepan eye out for the Sydney Harbour bridge, I'm gonna have a crack at flyingunderneath it!

CAROLYN: Hey, wingcommander! Less yammering, more hoovering!

ARTHUR: Sorry,Mum!

OPENING CREDITS(by BC <3) - This week, Fitton!

(sounds of heavyrain)

MARTIN: Andthere's another leak over here...

ARTHUR: Right-o,Martin!

(door opens)

DOUGLAS: God, therain's horrible outside! ...And inside.

CAROLYN: Douglas,you are forty-five minutes late!

DOUGLAS: Oh dear,how terribly remiss of me! And Mr Goddard is of course so famously punctual. Ido hope I haven't kept him waiting.

CAROLYN: It's ajob, Douglas, a job for which you are being paid like any other and I expectyou to be on time.

DOUGLAS: I amchastened and ashamed. Arthur, tea!

ARTHUR: Er, yeah,will do, Douglas, just trying to fix this leak first.

DOUGLAS: Oh well,in that case... Arthur, tea?

ARTHUR: Wow!You're making me tea?

DOUGLAS: I know,it's a topsy-turvy day of misrule, isn't it?

ARTHUR: Cracking!Loads of milk and four sugars, please!

(rain keepspattering; ARTHUR hums)

ARTHUR: Hey,Douglas, you know when you get something going round and round in your brain?

DOUGLAS: Yes,though I'm a little surprised you do.

ARTHUR: A tune, Imean.

DOUGLAS: Ah. Yes.

ARTHUR: Well, I'vegot one of yours at the moment.

DOUGLAS: One ofmine?

ARTHUR: Yes,something you were singing a few days ago, and I've only got the one line. Howdoes it go after this? Um... (hums out of tune) Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah,ah-ah-aaaah-ah-ah (goes on like this a bit more) How does it go then?

DOUGLAS: Well, Ihope after that it goes to a vet, and is painlessly put out of its misery.

ARTHUR: But what'sthe next line?

DOUGLAS: I have noidea.

ARTHUR: It'ssomething you were singing!

DOUGLAS: Are yousure you're not thinking of when Martin trapped my hand in the cabin door?

ARTHUR: No, no,you were singing it this week. (attempts humming again)

DOUGLAS: Well, wasit... (singing) "Summertime, and the living is easy..."

ARTHUR: No, it wasmore like: Ah-ah-ah (etc)

DOUGLAS: You dorealise every time you do that it's completely different?

ARTHUR: No,listen: Ah-ah-ah...

CAROLYN: Please,Arthur, not again!

ARTHUR: Sorry,Mum.

(sounds ofclicking and banging)

MARTIN: Oh,Douglas, I thought of another one this morning.

DOUGLAS: Oh yes?

CAROLYN: What areyou doing this time?

DOUGLAS: Booksthat sound more interesting with the final letter knocked off.

CAROLYN: What haveyou got so far?

DOUGLAS: "OfMice and Me" and "Three Men in a Boa".

CAROLYN: Ah, ah:"Far from the Madding Crow".

DOUGLAS: Oh, verygood, we'll have that, and what's your new one, Martin?

MARTIN: (proudly)"The Hound of the Baskerville". (pause) I've taken the s off!

DOUGLAS: Almostgood. Certainly better than when you took the s off "The Mill on theFloss", to make "The Mill on the Flos".

(sound of bangingand even heavier rain)

ARTHUR: Aha!

CAROLYN: Arthur!Arthur, what have you done?

ARTHUR: I'm makingprogress, I've found the hole where the rain's coming in!

DOUGLAS: Found it,or made it?

ARTHUR: No, it wasthere before, I've just made it... easier to see.

MARTIN: You meanbigger.

ARTHUR:Bigger-ish.

DOUGLAS: Oh forheaven's sake, it's now raining inside the portacabin! Can we please just gointo Fitton and wait in a nice coffee shop or something?

CAROLYN: No! IfGoddard turns up, we have to be ready in twenty minutes, flight plan filed,aircraft checked, ready to go.

DOUGLAS: He's notgoing to call, we haven't heard a peep out of him for twenty-eight days, he'sclearly forgotten all about us!

CAROLYN: We don'tknow that. Anyway, standby is the Holy Grail of the airline industry: beingpaid to fly without any actual flying. No risk of the three of you putting usinto bankruptcy, prison or the side of a mountain. God has smiled on us, and ifhe has chosen as his instrument a lippy telecom millionaire from Bracknell, whoare we to argue?

MARTIN: Well, ifwe cannot go into town we could at least go and sit in the plane where it'sdry.

DOUGLAS: Oh, God,do we have to?

MARTIN: Well, wecan sit in the plane, or we can sit in the rain.

DOUGLAS: Can't wesit in the car, or sit in a bar?

MARTIN: Douglas!

DOUGLAS: I'msorry, I thought we were staging an impromptu tribute to Dr Seuss.

(sounds of rainpattering on metal)

DOUGLAS: Well,this is much nicer.

ARTHUR: Howabout... a game of charades?

ALL: No!

ARTHUR: Oh, whynot?

CAROLYN: Because,dear heart, none of us will soon forget the misery of you spending 25 minutesmiming Apocalypse Now, without knowing what an apocalypse was.

(long silence)

ARTHUR:Ah-ah-ah-aah-ah-ah...

DOUGLAS: Oh,oh-oh-oh! Is it... (hum-sings the aria Non più andrai from The Marriage ofFigaro)

ARTHUR: No, thatdoesn't sound anything like what I sang.

DOUGLAS: That I'mwilling to concede.

MARTIN: Well, solong as we're in the plane with nothing to do, we could always review thestandard operating procedures...

(DOUGLAS andCAROLYN sigh)

CAROLYN: Yes, thatwill make the day fly by on silver wings.

MARTIN: It is alegal requirement, and we're here anyway.

DOUGLAS: That'swhy you were so keen to come out to the plane, isn't it, so you could get us togo through your rotten old ops.

MARTIN: Well,since I've gone to all the trouble of revising them...

CAROLYN: Fine,we'll go through one.

MARTIN: No, Idon't want to now.

CAROLYN: Oh, comeon.

MARTIN: No.

DOUGLAS: Martin,we're sorry. It's very good of you to do them. Please take us through one.

MARTIN: All right.Ahem. Standard operating procedure... "Evacuation in event of smoke orfire in cabin."

ARTHUR: Hang on,is-is it okay for me to hear these?

MARTIN: Yes,they're not secret!

ARTHUR: Ah. OK,carry on.

MARTIN: "Setparking brake."

DOUGLAS: M-hm.

MARTIN: "Shutdown engines."

CAROLYN: Goodidea.

MARTIN: "PAannouncement."

DOUGLAS: Yup.

MARTIN:"First officer leaves through the nearest exit."

DOUGLAS: You bethe does, and enters nearest bar...

MARTIN:"Captain dons cap, enters cabin to assist passengers."

(CAROLYN andDOUGLAS giggle)

MARTIN: What?

CAROLYN: (throughgiggles) Captain does what?

MARTIN: Assistspassengers. What? What's so funny?

DOUGLAS: No, no,no, before that.

MARTIN:"Captain dons cap, enters cabin to..."

(CAROLYN andDOUGLAS laugh openly)

DOUGLAS:"Dons cap?"

CAROLYN:"Captain dons cap?!"

DOUGLAS: Oh yeah,you have to don your cap before dealing with a fire!

CAROLYN:Otherwise, how will the fire know who the captain is?

MARTIN: It's forthe passengers!

DOUGLAS: The boystood on the burning deck / Whence all but he had fled

CAROLYN: His heartwas in his mouth but loo-hoo! / His cap was on his head!

MARTIN: Fine,fine, forget it. Forget it! I'll go and sit on the flight deck and review themby myself! (exits, slamming door)

(CAROLYN andDOUGLAS continue laughing until they calm down)

CAROLYN: Ha-ha-ha,hah, oh, oh dear.

DOUGLAS: Ah. Wasthat a bit...?

CAROLYN: Yes, alittle bit. Do you think... do you think one of us should...?

DOUGLAS: Yes.(exits)

ARTHUR: Right,well, just you and me, mum. You know, you can play charades with two people.

CAROLYN: No.

ARTHUR: OK. Oh,um, dad called this morning.

CAROLYN: Ah, Ithought he might.

ARTHUR: Well, hedid.

CAROLYN: What didhe have to say?

ARTHUR: Oh, heasked after you, um, and the plane.

CAROLYN: Oh yes,in which order?

ARTHUR: Not thatorder.

CAROLYN: No.

ARTHUR: And hesaid to tell you-

CAROLYN: Notinterested!

ARTHUR: Yeah, buthe said to tell you-

CAROLYN: I knowwhat he said to tell me because he said it every 12th of November for eightyears. Not. Interested.

ARTHUR: He stillmade me promise to say it. Sorry.

CAROLYN: Go onthen, get it over with.

ARTHUR: He said totell you he'd like to buy his plane back off you.

CAROLYN: Notinterested, and it's not his plane. Not that it matters, but how much was heoffering this time?

ARTHUR: A hundredpounds.

CAROLYN: Ahundred? Well that's just silly. Last year I turned him down for a 125thousand, why would I give it at 25 grands less?

ARTHUR: No, not ahundred thousand pounds, a hundred pounds.

CAROLYN: No, dear,no, I didn't pick you up on it because, frankly, life's too short, but when hesaid "a hundred", he meant "a hundred thousand."

ARTHUR: No, hedidn't.

CAROLYN: Arthur,given that in your short life you have caught hold of the wrong end of enoughsticks to build an entire wrong end of a forest, what makes you so sure you'vegot it right this time?

ARTHUR: Because hemade me write it down.

(rustle of paper)

ARTHUR: Tell her"Yes, he does mean a hundred pounds. Not a hundred grand, one hundredpounds and no pennies. I haven't got it wrong, no, write Arthur, Arthur hasn'tgot it wrong. Phone if you want details."

(sounds of rain)

DOUGLAS: Er,Martin...

MARTIN: What doyou want?

DOUGLAS:Apologies, Martin, that was very childish of us.

MARTIN: Yes, itruddy well was.

DOUGLAS: Yes.Perfectly reasonable emergency procedure.

MARTIN: Are youbeing funny again?

DOUGLAS: No, no, Imean it. The hat makes it clear to confused frightened passengers that you arein charge. Absolutely.

MARTIN: Exactly.

DOUGLAS: Entirelysensible.

MARTIN: It'snothing to do with showing off about being the captain!

DOUGLAS: No.

MARTIN: I mean Godknows I could write "Captain" on my forehead in lipstick and peoplestill wouldn't get it.

(DOUGLAS snorts)

MARTIN: What, whatnow?

DOUGLAS: No, no,nothing, I mean, not you. I was just, I was just hoping you weren't thinking ofputting that in the operating procedure.

MARTIN: (laughs)What, you mean: "First officer leaves through nearest exit. Captain writesCAPTAIN on forehead with lipstick, dons cap, enters cabin"?

DOUGLAS: "Inunlikely event of captain nonrecognition, captain doffs cap, gestures tolipstick inscription."

(DOUGLAS andMARTIN both laugh)

MARTIN: Why dothey always think you're the captain, Douglas?

DOUGLAS: Oh,that's easy. 'cause I don't care. Captains don't care. I've been a firstofficer, then a captain, then a first officer again. All the same to me. Solong as you're happy, who gives a toss how many rings there are on your sleeve?Whereas you always look like you want to be the captain, so people assume youcan't be one. You've got to lose that look.

MARTIN: But I havealways wanted to be an airline captain.

DOUGLAS: Really?

MARTIN: Yes, eversince I was six.

DOUGLAS: Oh, andbefore that?

MARTIN: I wantedto be an aeroplane.

DOUGLAS: I see.

MARTIN: Why, whatdid you want to be?

DOUGLAS: Oh,various things at different times. I studied medicine at university.

MARTIN: You wantedto be a doctor?

DOUGLAS: Well, Iwanted to be a medical student. They seemed to have the most fun. I'm not sureI ever wanted to be a doctor. Glamorous, but gloopy.

(door opens)

ARTHUR: Coffee,chaps.

DOUGLAS: How aboutyou, Arthur, what do you want to do if you grow up?

ARTHUR: Eh?

MARTIN: When youwere a boy, what did you want to be?

ARTHUR: Well, Iwas a bit like you, actually, Skipper. I always wanted to be a pilot too.

DOUGLAS: GoodLord, really?

ARTHUR: Yeah.Obviously, that was never gonna happen.

MARTIN: Oh well.

ARTHUR: Although,actually... When I was seventeen, Mum did get me an interview at the OxfordAviation Academy, for my birthday. So I- I actually went up and I sat in thehall, and the others started to come in and... I don't know, they all lookedlike proper pilots, or at least... You know the Muppet babies?

DOUGLAS: I fearthey may have passed me by...

ARTHUR: Well, itwas this cartoon with baby versions of Kermit and Miss Piggy and everyone. Andthese guys looked like Muppet baby versions of, well, you two. Well, anyway...

MARTIN: Yes, Iknow, I know. Of him.

ARTHUR: Yeah. Andanyway, the woman came out and said "Arthur Shappey, you're up" andall the Muppet baby pilots looked round to see who he was... So did I.... Andafter a bit, they decided he hadn't turned up and... went to the next guy. Soyou know, a part of me always wonders what would have happened if I'd gonethrough that door.

DOUGLAS: Well Ican tell you Arthur they'd have made mincemeat out of you.

ARTHUR: Really?

DOUGLAS:Absolutely. You'd be a hopeless pilot, they'd have laughed you out of the room.

ARTHUR: And you'renot just saying that to make me feel better?

DOUGLAS: Not atall, you wouldn't have had a cat's chance in hell, would he, Martin?

MARTIN: I'm afraidnot.

ARTHUR: Aww. Youguys are great!

MARTIN: Thereisn't though. After the age of thirty you just don't meet anyone new. You're onyour raft, with your friends, and everyone else is on their raft; sometimes therafts bump into each other, but there's no... raft-hopping. And I've managed toget on an all-boys raft.

DOUGLAS: Well,what about cabin crew?

MARTIN: Um, well,for two very different reasons, I'm afraid neither Arthur nor Carolyn quitefloat my boat.

DOUGLAS: Well,there's always weddings. I met all three of my wives at weddings.

MARTIN: Really?

DOUGLAS: Ofcourse. The third one I met at my wedding, which was a trifle awkward.

MARTIN: Yes, Iimagine it would be.

DOUGLAS: Yeah, mysecond marriage wasn't my favourite.

MARTIN: Which onewas?

DOUGLAS: Oh, thecurrent Mrs Richardson, hands down. She's smashing. Look, I got her this, forour anniversary.

(unzips bag)

MARTIN: I thinkyou may be showing me the wrong bag.

DOUGLAS: No,that's the one.

MARTIN: You've gother a bottle of brown sauce... You incorrigible old romantic.

DOUGLAS: Ah, butit's her favourite brown sauce. Only they changed the recipe in Britain, andnow she doesn't like it anymore, but! I did some research, and they still makeit with the old recipe in Greece, so last time we were in Thessaloniki, youremember, back when we used to fly planes for a living instead of sit in them,I got her this. She'll love it.

MARTIN: Oh, yousod. That actually is romantic.

CAROLYN: Arthur,listen carefully.

ARTHUR: Uh-oh.

CAROLYN: I've justbeen talking with your father.

ARTHUR: Right.

CAROLYN: He's nowoffering to buy Gertie for one pound.

ARTHUR: Right. Andare you thinking of... 'cause I'd probably give you ten.

CAROLYN: Inexchange for which, he will take Gertie and with her, all of MJN's debts.

ARTHUR: Oh.

CAROLYN: So...What do you think I should do?

(door opens)

DOUGLAS: Ah,Carolyn.

CAROLYN: What?

DOUGLAS: Well,it's two hours to dusk and he's clearly not coming, can we have a littlesnifter?

CAROLYN: No, getout!

DOUGLAS:Pardonnez-moi...

(door closes)

CAROLYN: Carry on,Arthur.

ARTHUR: Well, whatdo you want to do?

CAROLYN: I want toknow what you think.

ARTHUR: Really?Are you sure?

CAROLYN: Yes! Imean, let's be clear, not in your capacity as astute financial analyst, in yourcapacity as someone who might one day come into this money, or... lack ofmoney.

ARTHUR: Oh. Right.Well, I don't want to... I think you should do whatever you think, but...just-just thinking about myself, I don't know what I'd do with money that wouldbe better than getting to go up in the plane all the time with you guys; butthat's just me being selfish.

(door opens)

DOUGLAS: No, shedidn't really go for the drinks idea, water it is.

(sounds of liquidbeing poured)

MARTIN: So, whatis it exactly so special about... I don't even know her name.

DOUGLAS: Helena.Oh, I don't know, I mean... she's clever and funny and kind and beautiful andso on and et cetera, you know, the standard specs... But I think if I'm honest,what it really comes down to is she thinks I'm terrific.

MARTIN: Does she?

DOUGLAS: Yup, thebee's pyjamas, the cat's knees, really terrific.

MARTIN: And that'senough to make you happy together, is it, your shared belief in theterrificness of you?

DOUGLAS: It's nota bad start.

MARTIN: But doesit make you happy, truly happy?

(door opens,enters ARTHUR)

DOUGLAS: Oh wellcome on, no one's truly happy.

ARTHUR: I'm trulyhappy!

MARTIN: Oh God.

DOUGLAS: No,Arthur, you are cheery. No one's interested in the secret of true cheeriness.

ARTHUR: But that'snot true. I'm fairly often just completely happy. Like, for instance, when youget into a bath quickly and it's just the right temperature, and you go"ooooh". I mean really no one gets any happier than that.

MARTIN: What adepressing thought.

ARTHUR: No, no,it's not though, because those sort of things happen all the time, whereasyou're hardly ever, you know, blissfully happy with the love of your life inthe moonlight, and when you are, you're too busy worrying about it being oversoon, whereas the bath moments, there's loads of those! Oh, like when yourealise your knuckles are ready for cracking.

DOUGLAS: What?

(ARTHUR cracks hisknuckles. MARTIN and DOUGLAS make disgusted noises.)

ARTHUR: See, I washappy then! Oh, wait, I've got another one!

(opens a door)

MARTIN: Did youorder the motivational seminar by Forrest Gump?

(door again)

ARTHUR: Apples!

DOUGLAS: Oh, no!Please spare us the crisp crunch of the first bite of an apple!

ARTHUR: No, no, ofcourse not. No one really likes apples. That would be like liking... wood. No,I mean... this.

(ARTHUR tosses anapple from hand to hand)

DOUGLAS: What?

ARTHUR: This!Tossing an apple from hand to hand. It just feels really nice. I could do it forhours. Try it!

(ARTHUR andDOUGLAS are tossing apples from hand to hand)

DOUGLAS: You know,there is something rather pleasant about this.

MARTIN: Oh, forgoodness's sakes, I don't believe it!

ARTHUR: Try it!

(ALL THREE aretossing apples)

ARTHUR: See?

MARTIN: Well,it's... satisfying, but I wouldn't say I was happy.

ARTHUR: Give it abit longer!

(tossing [ofapples] continues)

(door opens, enterCAROLYN)

CAROLYN: Goodgrief! The world's least impressive troupe of jugglers, what on earth are youdoing?

ARTHUR: Nothing.

MARTIN: Nothing.

DOUGLAS: (beginshumming)

ARTHUR: That's it!

MARTIN: Oh,Arthur, you made me drop my apple!

CAROLYN: Oh,Martin, surely the only professional pilot who cannot successfully juggle oneapple.

ARTHUR: That's thetune though! Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah...

DOUGLAS: Ooh!"We're busy doing nothing / Working the whole day through..." (MARTINjoins in) "Trying to find lots of things not to do" (CAROLYN joinsin) "We're busy going nowhere / Isn't it just a crime" (ARTHUR joinsin) "We'd like to be unhappy, but / We never do have the time!"

(ALL laugh)

CAROLYN: Allright, all right, who wants a drink?

DOUGLAS: Really?You seemed quite anti the idea just now.

CAROLYN: Yes,well, I have perked up somewhat since then and anyway, for goodness' sake,Goddard's obviously not going to call, it's an hour before dusk aftertwenty-eight days of silence, he's forgotten about us.

MARTIN: Excepthe's guaranteed to call if we have a drink.

DOUGLAS: Well,he'd better hurry up then, he's two drinks too late for me.

CAROLYN: Douglas,have you been drinking?

DOUGLAS: I cannottell a lie. What I am saying, I'm terrific at telling lies. I mean I'm notgoing to tell a lie. Yes.

MARTIN: I thoughtit was water!

DOUGLAS: That'sthe beauty of vodka - colourless, odourless, proof that God loves pilots. Or atleast the Russians do.

CAROLYN: Arthur,one for you?

ARTHUR: Oh,thanks. Can I have pineapple juice?

CAROLYN: No, it'sall right, we decided he's not going to call, you can have wine.

ARTHUR: Oh. OK.But can I have pineapple juice?

CAROLYN: Yes,fine.

ARTHUR: Thanks,Mum!

(clinking ofglasses and laughter)

DOUGLAS: "ADance to the Music of Tim"?

CAROLYN: Ha-ha-ha!Very good, very good, very good. Ah, "The Da Vinci Cod"?

(laughter)

MARTIN:Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, James Bond, James Bond. "The Man with the Golden Gu".Ha-ha-ha! "Goldfinge". Ha, ha!

ARTHUR: Octopus!

DOUGLAS: Octopus?That's just Octopus!

ARTHUR: Yes?

DOUGLAS: Oh,please, someone save me from this.

(phone rings)

DOUGLAS: Not youthough.

MARTIN: Who is it?

CAROLYN: Anonymouscaller.

ARTHUR: Could beanyone.

MARTIN: Probablynot him.

CAROLYN responds.

CAROLYN: Hello!Ah. Ooh. Yes. Yes, of course. Yes. Very well. Goodbye. (hangs up) Goddard willbe here in twenty minutes. What do we do?

DOUGLAS: Why didyou say yes?

CAROLYN: He's paidus thousands and thousands of pounds this month just for me to say yes to thatone phonecall.

DOUGLAS: True.

CAROLYN: We haveto fly.

DOUGLAS: But-

CAROLYN: But wecan't fly.

MARTIN: I can fly!(singing) I can fly right up to the sky!

CAROLYN: Youcan't.

MARTIN: I caaaan!

CAROLYN: Youcan't!

DOUGLAS: No,but...

CAROLYN: What?

DOUGLAS: I can.

CAROLYN: No, youcan't. We'll just tell him the plane won't start and refund him his moneyand... (sniffs) I- I wasn't going to tell you this, but as it happens, todaysomeone made me an offer-"

DOUGLAS: I'm sorryto interrupt, Carolyn, but you're not listening. I am fit to fly.

CAROLYN: You'renot, you've been drinking.

DOUGLAS: No, I haven't,I don't drink.

MARTIN: Yes, youdo!

DOUGLAS: No, Idon't.

MARTIN: You do,I've seen you, hundreds of times!

DOUGLAS: No, youthink you have, but you haven't.

MARTIN: I have,you've been drinking tonight!

DOUGLAS: The thingabout not being able to tell vodka from water is... it cuts both ways.

CAROLYN: So,you're sober.

DOUGLAS: Verysober. Eight years for me, too.

CAROLYN: You canfly!

DOUGLAS: I canfly.

MARTIN: I can flytoo. I can bloody well fly as well as any... fly.

DOUGLAS: Of course,I'm perfectly qualified to fly this plane alone.

CAROLYN: ButGoddard doesn't know that. He's hired two pilots, he's expecting a captain.

DOUGLAS: Well, wecould always...

CAROLYN: Oh no!

DOUGLAS: Well,what else can we do?

CAROLYN: Oh no.

DOUGLAS: Arthur?

ARTHUR: Yep.

DOUGLAS: ArthurShappey, you're up!

(bing-bong)

ARTHUR: Goodevening, this is your captain speaking, captain Martin Crieff speaking, I shallbe captaining the plane, as your captain, this evening. OK, bye!

(bing)

MARTIN: Goodevening, Mr Goddard, welcome aboard. My name's Arthur, I'll be your stewardtoday.

GODDARD: Yeah,cheers Arthur, all right.

MARTIN: May Ioffer sir a drink, sir?

GODDARD: Yeah,yeah, hang on, let me get meself sorted out.

MARTIN: He-hem.Well, absolutely, sir. When you'll all nicely settled in, would you like me tobring you a drink, that's all I was asking.

GODDARD: Yeah, allright. Mineral water.

MARTIN: Very good,sir. Would you like spill or starkling?

GODDARD: Just holdon a minute, can you?

CAROLYN: Martin,I'll take care of this!

MARTIN: (coughs)Arthur!

CAROLYN: Oh yes,yes. Arthur! He-he. I'll take care of this, Arthur. Sir, would you like adrink?

GODDARD: Yes!Still mineral water, no ice. All right?

CAROLYN: Right, goand get him one, Maa-rtha!

GODDARD: Martha?

CAROLYN: Arthur,Arthur!

MARTIN: (sputterswith laughter)

GODDARD: What'sup, what's goin' on?

CAROLYN:No-no-no-no, nothing, nothing. He used to be, he used to be Martha, now he's...Arthur.

MARTIN: Hahahaha,hahahaha!

GODDARD: What areyou laughing at?

MARTIN: Hahaha.I'm not laughing.

GODDARD: Yes, youare. And why is your uniform so baggy?

MARTIN: I've...(snorts) I've lost a lot of weight recently.

CAROLYN: Yes, yes,yes, from when he was Martha!

GODDARD: Right,I've had enough of this. I wanna see the pilots.

CAROLYN: Oh no,no, I'm afraid that's quite impossible!

GODDARD: Take meto the pilots, now!

(sound of applesbeing juggled)

DOUGLAS: That'sright, and catch, and throw, and catch, and throw...

ARTHUR: (hums)Ta-ta-tarara-ta-ta-ta-ta-ra...

DOUGLAS: ...andcatch, and throw, and catch, and throw...

GODDARD: Look,what's goin' on with- bloody hell!

DOUGLAS: I'msorry, sir, but you're intruding on a standard pre-flight exercise to improvereflex time and hand-eye coordination. Could you return to your seat?

ARTHUR: Yeah,that's right.

GODDARD: You'rethe captain, are you?

ARTHUR: Icertainly am. I am... the captain.

GODDARD: Right. Iwanna smell your breath, both of you.

DOUGLAS: Be ourguest. (puffs)

ARTHUR: (puffs)

GODDARD: All rightthen. Fair enough, fair enough.

ARTHUR: 'course,if we'd been drinking vodka, you wouldn't be able to smell it on our breath.

GODDARD: You'vebeen drinking vodka?

ARTHUR: No, no, wehaven't. I was just saying, as an interesting fact.

GODDARD: Are youreally a captain, mate?

DOUGLAS: Yes, yousee, it, it's-

ARTHUR: Thank you,Douglas. I can deal with this. I am a captain, yes, and I can assure you thatyou may fully rely on my professionalism and my judgment.

GODDARD: Yeah,fair enough, mate, no offence.

ARTHUR: Not tomention, my 30 years of flying experience.

GODDARD: Hang on!Thirty years? How old are you?

ARTHUR: Well, if Iqualified at 18, which I did, that makes me... 48.

GODDARD: You don'tlook 48 to me.

DOUGLAS: TheCaptain does have a youthful vigour.

MARTIN: Everyonecomments on it.

CAROLYN: Ofcourse, he has a punishing moisturising.

GODDARD: Allright, I don't know what the hell's goin' on here, but luckily for you, I'vegot to be in Madrid by 9. So 'ere's how it's goin' to go: you are gonna fly theplane...

DOUGLAS: Yes, sir.

GODDARD: Shut it.You are gonna watch, and not touch anything unless he tells you to.

DOUGLAS: I won'ttell him.

GODDARD: Good. Andyou, and you, are gonna sit in your little kitchen with a liter of water eachand sober up. And no one is gonna juggle apples!

ARTHUR: Zoom!Zoom! Zoom!

CAROLYN: Arthur,it's a hairdryer, you have to point it steadily, you can't just zap things drylike it's a ray gun!

ARTHUR: Sorry,Mum.

(door opens)

MARTIN: Carolyn,I'm off now.

CAROLYN:Cheerie-o! Oh, Martin, did you leave a bottle of brown sauce on the flightdeck, you revolting creature?

MARTIN: No, oh,actually, that's Douglas'. Has he gone?

CAROLYN: Oh, atthe first whiff of mopping up to be done.

MARTIN: Right,well, give it to me, I'll drop it off on my way home.

CAROLYN: I'm surehe can go a couple of days without brown sauce.

MARTIN: No, he...It's a long, slightly weird story.

CAROLYN: Then byall means, keep it to yourself. Goodbye!

(phone rings)

MARTIN: Bye-bye,Arthur!

ARTHUR: Bye,Skipper! I loved being you!

MARTIN: Oh. Well.Glad somebody does.

(phone keepsringing)

(CAROLYN answersphone)

CAROLYN: Ah, thankyou for ringing back. Yes, I have a message for Mr Shappey, from the CEO of MJNAir: "Gertie's staying with me, so up yours, baldie." Yes, it is abusiness message. It's in code, you see. He'll know what it means. And that'sfrom Carolyn Knapp-Shappey, CEO My Jet Now Air. Thank you so much.

(hangs up)

(sound ofdoorbell)

DOUGLAS: Oh,Martin.

MARTIN: Hello,Douglas.

DOUGLAS: What areyou doing here?

MARTIN: I juststopped by to give you this. You left it on the plane.

DOUGLAS: Oh!Right. Yes. Thank you.

MARTIN: You'rewelcome. Just thought I'd stop by on my way home, I mean, I'm not really on myway, actually, but to save your anniversary, I thought-

DOUGLAS: I know,and I do appreciate it, I really do. Well, I won't keep you...

MARTIN: Well, OK.Well, I'll see you next... Douglas. Your epaulets.

DOUGLAS: What?

MARTIN: They've...grown an extra bar.

DOUGLAS: Oooh!Look at that, how silly of me, I must have put on my old Air England ones bymistake.

MARTIN: When?

DOUGLAS: When?

MARTIN: When?

DOUGLAS: Well...When I got dressed.

MARTIN: Douglas,you were not wearing captain's epaulets during the flight. I would havenoticed, believe me.

DOUGLAS: Yes, youwould, wouldn't you?

MARTIN: Whichmeans you must have...

HELENA: Who is it,Dougie?

DOUGLAS: No one,sweetheart, just someone dropping something off.

HELENA: Oh, hello.

MARTIN: Hello, I'mMartin.

DOUGLAS: Well,thanks for that, Martin, I'll see you-

HELENA: Martin,oh, from MJN!

DOUGLAS: That'sright, darling. Martin, this is my wonderful wife Helena, Helena, this is mytrusted and valued first officer, Martin Crieff.

HELENA: Pleased tomeet you.

MARTIN: Pleased tomeet you.

HELENA: We meet atlast. I've heard so much about you.

MARTIN: So Igather.

HELENA: Well,won't you come in for a drink?

MARTIN: Perhapsanother time, I better get home.

HELENA: Oh, what apity. I've been dying to hear what he's like as a boss. I bet you end up doingall the work! I know I'd hate to be Douglas' first officer.

MARTIN: Yes, well,as a friend once told me, as long as you're happy, who gives a toss how manystripes you've got on your arm?

HELENA: (laughs)But I bet whoever told you that was a first officer.