圣诞特辑

DOUGLAS: Air-con?

MARTIN: Off.

DOUGLAS:Anti-collision light?

MARTIN: On.

DOUGLAS: Fuel pumpswitches?

MARTIN: On.

DOUGLAS: Dasher?

MARTIN: On.

DOUGLAS: Dancer?

MARTIN: On.

DOUGLAS: Prancerand Vixen?

MARTIN: On. Comet?

DOUGLAS: On.

MARTIN: Cupid?

DOUGLAS: On.

MARTIN: Donner andBlitzen?

DOUGLAS: To thetop of the porch, to the top of the wall!

MARTIN: Dash away!

DOUGLAS andMARTIN: Dash away! Dash away all!

OPENING CREDITS -This Christmas, Molokai!

OCEANIC ATC: Thankyou, Golf Tango India. Continue as cleared.

DOUGLAS: GolfTango India, continue as cleared. Thank you, Oceanic, and merry Christmas.

OCEANIC ATC: I’m aShinto Buddhist.

DOUGLAS: And mayyou be a merry one. (There is a distinctly Arthurian trumpeting sound.) Ah,Arthur’s awoken. Brace yourself.

MARTIN: What for?

DOUGLAS: Oh, isthis the first time you’ve flown with Arthur on Christmas morning?

(Flight deck dooropens.)

ARTHUR: Getdressed, you merry gentlemen! Let nothing you dismay! For it is Christmas,Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas Day!

DOUGLAS: Yes –

ARTHUR: It’sChristmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas Day!

MARTIN: Arthur –

ARTHUR: It isChri-i-i-i-istmas Day, Chri-istmas Day! It is Chri-i-i-i-ismas Day!

DOUGLAS: Are youfinished?

ARTHUR: Notnecessarily! I know other verses.

MARTIN: No, youdon’t! You don’t even know that one.

ARTHUR: Withrespect, Skip, I absolutely do know that one. It goes Get dressed, you merrygentlemen -

MARTIN: No, no, itdoesn’t. It’s not ‘get dressed’ – it’s ‘God rest’. God rest you merrygentlemen.

ARTHUR: No, it’snot.

MARTIN: Yes, itis! Why would you be telling them to get dressed?

ARTHUR: Becauseit’s Christmas!

MARTIN: What, sothey’re naked?

ARTHUR: No,they’re in bed! It’s saying ‘come on, you merry gentlemen – it’s Christmas!Up’n’at ‘em! Get dressed. Let’s do our stockings!’

MARTIN: No, it’s‘God rest’.

ARTHUR: Well, thatmakes no sense. God rest, you merry gentlemen? What’s a God rest?

DOUGLAS: Somewhereto put your god?

MARTIN: Not Godrest you merry gentlemen. It’s God rest you, merry gentlemen!

ARTHUR: Well, thatmakes no sense either!

DOUGLAS: Actually,it’s neither. It’s God rest you merry, gentlemen. As in 'Happy Christmas,gentlemen. I hope God gives you a restful and merry one and doesn’taccidentally shut you in a flying cupboard with a pair of idiots'.

ARTHUR: Oh, cheerup, Douglas! We’ll be back in Tokyo in no time, and then we’ve got the rest ofChristmas off. What are you going to do?

DOUGLAS: Go backto the hotel, bit of sleep, ring my daughter, and then go out and ingest aquite heroic quantity of festive sushi.

ARTHUR: How aboutyou, Skip?

MARTIN: I don’tknow. I’ll probably sit by the pool, read a book.

ARTHUR: Oh, Skip!That’s not very Christmassy.

MARTIN: Well, I’mnot that big on Christmas.

ARTHUR: Well, ifyou change your mind, you’re both welcome to join mum and me. We found thisbrilliant Japanese restaurant called The Auspicious Pig and Whistle Old EnglandStyle Happy Pub, and we’re having turkey and Christmas pudding and presents andcarols and stockings and silly hats and mulled wine.

DOUGLAS: All quitelow key then, is it? (There is a bing-bong.) Oooh, Bing-bong merrily on high!In heaven, the phone is ringing.

MARTIN: Hello?Captain Crieff.

CAROLYN: Martin!Tokyo calling. Merry Christmas! Peace on Earth and goodwill to all men – evenpilots. How was Hong Kong?

MARTIN: Are youall right, Carolyn?

CAROLYN:Perfectly, thank you, but, more importantly, are you all right? Sleep well?Nice and well rested, are you?

DOUGLAS: Martin,don’t –

MARTIN: Yes,thanks. I –

DOUGLAS: It’s atrap!

CAROLYN: Good! Nowthen, my festive fliers, you remember that friendly little chat we had aboutworking at Christmas?

DOUGLAS: No, Idon’t. I remember an enormous argument, when you announced that you’d booked usto fly Japanese golfers back and forth all through Christmas week withoutasking us.

CAROLYN: Well, I’msorry, but Christmas wasn’t on the wall chart.

DOUGLAS: Christmaswas on the wall chart. It was written on the wall chart by the makers of thewall chart. And I remember us finally, very graciously, agreeing to do it, onthe strict understanding that our last Hong Kong run would be on Christmasmorning, and we’d be back in Tokyo with the rest of the day to ourselves bymidday precisely.

CAROLYN: Yes,well, I’d like to propose a very minor tweak to that arrangement, by which youcan still get back into Tokyo at noon.

MARTIN: Yes...?

CAROLYN: And thereyou pick up me and a Russian yacht broker, and fly us on to Hawaii.

MARTIN: Hawaii?

CAROLYN: Hmm, theisland of Molokai, to be precise, which Mr. Alyakhin either owns a beach resorton or quite possibly just owns – it’s not entirely clear.

DOUGLAS: So youwant us to spend another seven hours of Christmas Day in an aeroplane?

CAROLYN: Look,this is in all our best interests. Mr. Alyakhin is a huge charter firm user,and if we can get on his list, then our ridiculous business (the survival ofwhich is already as astonishing as when you go into a motorway service stationand see they’ve still got a Wimpy) might just continue into the New Year.

ARTHUR: But, butmum? What about our Christmas? At the Auspicious Pig and Whistle? With theturkey and pudding and stockings and a tree and mulled wine?

CAROLYN: Yes,don’t worry - we’ll still do all that, but in sunny Hawaii. It’ll be exactlythe same, but with less sake and more hula.

ARTHUR: Okay.

CAROLYN: Ooh, andArthur? This is a very important client, so we’ll be giving him our very bestcustomer service, okay?

ARTHUR:Absolutely, mum! I’ll pull out all the stops.

CAROLYN: Ah, no,no, no. Our very best customer service.

ARTHUR: Oh, right.I’ll hide in the galley and let you do everything.

CAROLYN: Good boy!

DOUGLAS: Postruddy take-off checks grudgingly completed, Captain. By a First Officer whoshould, by all natural laws, be just tucking in to his seventh hosomaki.

MARTIN: Douglas,I’m sure they'll have sushi somewhere on Molokai.

DOUGLAS: I’m sure theywon’t. They’ll have Chicken Santa Burgers. And pretzels.

ARTHUR: So, sotwelve plus seven is nineteen, and nineteen o’clock is – don’t tell me! Oneo’clock is thirteen. Two o’clock is fourteen. Three o’clock is fifteen –

MARTIN: Seveno’clock, Arthur.

ARTHUR: Oh, okay,so we – we still get Christmas evening?

DOUGLAS: Plus thefive hour time difference.

ARTHUR: Eight,nine, ten, eleven, twelve – oh.

MARTIN: Sorry.

ARTHUR: No, I – Idon’t really mind. We’ll just have our Christmas on Boxing Day. That’s -that’ll be almost as good. Pretty much. Nearly as good. In some ways. Anyway,I’m not all that bothered about Christmas. I think it’s beenover-commercialised.

MARTIN: Do you?

ARTHUR: Yes, I do.

DOUGLAS: That’s aninteresting opinion.

ARTHUR: It’s oneI’ve long held.

DOUGLAS: What does‘over-commercialised’ mean?

ARTHUR: It meansit’s too much, um, it’s over – it used to be under, but now it’s – I don’tknow! Terry on the fire crew said it, and it sounded really grown up. But Ilove Christmas! It’s my equal favourite time of year with my birthday, summer,Easter, mum’s birthday and Lent.

DOUGLAS: Oh, cheerup. It’ll be round again before you know it.

ARTHUR: Yeah.Yeah, I know. Doesn’t really matter. ‘Scuse me, chaps. I’m just going to go sitin the galley for a bit. You better not pout. You better not cry.

MARTIN: Douglas?

DOUGLAS: Hmm?

MARTIN: I was justthinking about poor old Arthur, missing out on his big Christmas, you know, histurkey, pudding, presents and silly hats and so on.

DOUGLAS: Hmm.

MARTIN: Well,well, I – I was just thinking, if we wanted, we could probably sort of do someof those things here, couldn’t we, in the flight deck?

DOUGLAS: I thoughtyou said you were glad to be missing Christmas?

MARTIN: Oh, I am!No, completely, but for Arthur’s sake.

DOUGLAS: And howdo you propose to cook a turkey dinner at thirty-five thousand feet?

MARTIN: I don’tknow, but we’ll think of something, and the others seem quite doable.

DOUGLAS: Of thatlist, as far as I can see, all we’ve got are hats.

MARTIN: Yeah, andthey’re not very silly ones.

DOUGLAS: Yours isquite silly.

MARTIN: I keeptelling you! I didn’t ask for extra - it’s just the standard amount of goldbraid they put on a captain’s hat these days.

DOUGLAS: In theDemocratic Republic of Congo, maybe.

MARTIN: Well,anyway, what do you think? Fancy a flight deck Christmas?

DOUGLAS: I thinkit’s an utterly stupid idea for two reasons: one of which is obvious, and theother of which is that Arthur is twenty-nine years old.

MARTIN: Pass thetime, though.

DOUGLAS: Oh, goon, then.

(Intercom beeps.)

MARTIN: Arthur,could you step into the flight deck?

CAROLYN: So whatexactly is it your company does, Mr. Alyakhin?

MR. ALYAKHIN: Wesell yachts.

CAROLYN: Oh, whatsort of yachts?

MR. ALYAKHIN:Massive yachts.

CAROLYN: To whom?

MR. ALYAKHIN: Topeople who do not have massive yachts – or more often to people who do havemassive yachts but who would now like another yacht even more massive. Ornewer. Or less sunken.

CAROLYN: And doyou use a lot of private air travel?

MR. ALYAKHIN:Every spring, we are more or less constantly flying clients out to Antibes.

CAROLYN: Well, Ido hope this spring you’ll consider MJN Air.

MR. ALYAKHIN: Ahha ha ha ha. I’m sorry. Ha. You are very good to support your employers, but myclients – they expect a little more than, you know, a minibus with wings.

CAROLYN: Well,actually, I am the CEO of this company.

MR. ALYAKHIN:Really? But also the stewardess?

CAROLYN: For ourmost important clients, yes.

MR. ALYAKHIN: Hmm,this is perhaps one small thing in your favour. Most of the firms we use, thestewardesses are very young, very beautiful, and the clients, of course, theylike this, but sometimes it causes – hm – problems. You, I think, would notcause these problems.

CAROLYN: No...

MR. ALYAKHIN: No.You are more like, uh, old babushka.

CAROLYN: Am Ireally?

MR. ALYAKHIN: Youknow this word ‘babushka’?

CAROLYN: Yes. Yes,I do. Thank you.

MR. ALYAKHIN: Yes,it’s not really a compliment.

CAROLYN: No. Sowill you – will you consider us?

MR. ALYAKHIN: No.

CAROLYN: But –

MR. ALYAKHIN:Seriously, no. Now, what wines do you have?

CAROLYN: Well, Igave you the wine list earlier.

MR. ALYAKHIN: Yes,I read that. It was very funny. What wines do you have?

CAROLYN: Those areour wines.

MR. ALYAKHIN: Ah,very well. Luckily I did a little bit of shopping in Tokyo. Serve me this,please, babushka.

MARTIN: Yes,Arthur, but aircraft don’t have chimneys.

ARTHUR: Why not?

DOUGLAS: Shall wemove on?

MARTIN: Because –

DOUGLAS: Next –presents.

ARTHUR: Well, I’vegot you all presents, but they’re in the hold.

MARTIN: Oh, wecould do a Secret Santa!

ARTHUR: Oh, great!

MARTIN: I writeeach of our names down on four slips of paper. Now we all take one.

DOUGLAS: Mine says‘Martin’.

MARTIN: And wedon’t say who we’ve got.

DOUGLAS: I betthey all say ‘Martin’.

MARTIN: No, theydon’t. And now we think of a present for whoever we’ve got.

DOUGLAS: Likewhat?

MARTIN: Anything.For instance, you could give your person – whoever he might be – first crack atthe cheese tray for a month. Or do the walk round for him next time it rains.Or simply pay him a nice compliment about what a fine commanding officer he –

DOUGLAS: This canbe Carolyn’s slip. Give me another one.

(Door opens.)

CAROLYN: Douglas,what are you doing in the galley?

DOUGLAS: Searchingfor turkey.

CAROLYN: Well, Ithink there’s an old chicken sandwich in the door of the fridge.

(Fridge isopened.)

DOUGLAS: Aha! Oh, bythe way, I’m supposed to tell you we’re having a Secret Santa.

CAROLYN: Whatfresh hell is this?

DOUGLAS: One ofthose things where you’re given a slip with someone’s name on it and you getthem a present. You’ve got Martin.

CAROLYN: Look,tell him I’m sorry but I just don’t have time to – oh! Unless...does he likered wine?

DOUGLAS: Martin? Ithink so, yes.

CAROLYN: Fine.I’ll give him this then. Mr. Alyakhin just gave me this bottle to serve him.It’s nothing too special, is it?

DOUGLAS: Oh! Petrus2005. That’s rather nice actually.

CAROLYN: Oh, well,it’s Martin’s lucky day then.

DOUGLAS: And whatare you planning to serve Mr. Alyakhin?

CAROLYN: Well,what do you think? The same wine box Chateau Gatwick we give everyone.

DOUGLAS: Whathappened to ‘our very best customer service’?

CAROLYN: Well,firstly, everyone’s palate is shot at thirty-five thousand feet, and he’llnever notice, and secondly, he calls me babushka.

DOUGLAS: And yethe lives.

MARTIN: Hmm, nowwhat about a tree? Any ideas?

ARTHUR: Hmm. If wehad a bush, we could put it on a stick.

MARTIN: Any ideasthat don’t rely on us having a bush?

(Flight deck dooropens.)

DOUGLAS:Gentlemen, I have in my hand a chicken sandwich.

ARTHUR: Oh, welldone, Douglas! So we just need to fish the bits of chicken out, and, I don’tknow, somehow make them a bit more like turkey.

MARTIN: How do wedo that?

ARTHUR: Um, can wemake them drier and sort of not as nice tasting? But in a good way!

DOUGLAS: Certainlywe can. Leave it to me. Next – Christmas pudding. How on Earth are we going todo that?

MARTIN: Well, Isuppose it’s basically just a cake with dried fruits and cream on top –

ARTHUR: And brandypoured over it and set fire to!

DOUGLAS: Yourealise that might be a tallish order in an aircraft flight deck?

ARTHUR: All right,I’ll let you off that one.

DOUGLAS: But Iwill check my coat pockets for chocolate raisins.

ARTHUR: Hooray!

CAROLYN: How areyou finding your wine, Mr. Alyakhin?

MR. ALYAKHIN: Mm,superb.

CAROLYN: So glad.Now listen. I admit we may not be the fastest or slickest aircraft in the skies–

MR. ALYAKHIN: Ithink you more or less lost that race when the Wright brothers took off.

CAROLYN: But it’sowned and run by someone who will fight harder for your money, and not onlythat but will fight for much, much less of it. This much less. (Produces MJN’squote with a flourish.)

MR. ALYAKHIN: Ah,now that is very interesting argument, but could you really handle three orfour flights a month from us?

CAROLYN: Certainly!I mean I won’t pretend we’re not a small company, but –

MR. ALYAKHIN: Ah,that in itself is not a problem. I mean so long as there’s a crew and reliefcrew, theoretically, even if you employ just four pilots, we would consideryou.

CAROLYN: Oh, interesting.

MR. ALYAKHIN: Howmany do you employ?

CAROLYN: Well, haha, as it happens, the bare minimum of, as you say, four.

MR. ALYAKHIN: Yes,you see the danger with really tiny firms is that you tend to cut corners andbend rules just to survive, and this leads to little problems.

CAROLYN: Oh, notus though, absolutely not. We are sticklers at MJN. We...stickle.

MR. ALYAKHIN:Well, let me ring my CFO, and we shall see.

CAROLYN: Drivers,I’m bringing – why does it smell of chicken in here?

MARTIN: BecauseDouglas has hung strips of chicken all over the air conditioning ducts.

CAROLYN: Arthur,why on Earth –

MARTIN: Not Arthur– Douglas.

CAROLYN: Oh, goodLord, it’s catching! And what are you doing, Martin?

MARTIN: I am, forthe benefit of your son, shelling these chocolate raisins.

CAROLYN: Shellingthem?

MARTIN: Yes.There’s no chocolate in a Christmas pudding, so I’m rolling them between fingerand thumb until the chocolate crumbles off.

CAROLYN: Of courseyou are. Well, if I could just ask you to pack away your various charminghandicrafts for now, I’m bringing Mr. Alyakhin up to use the sat-com. So,Arthur? Get in the locker.

ARTHUR: Thelocker? Mum! Can’t I just hide in the galley?

CAROLYN: He has tocome through the galley to get to the flight deck, idiot!

ARTHUR: Well, Iwon’t say anything to him! I’ll just be like, you know, the man in the galley.Okay?

CAROLYN: No! It’snot okay. When a very wealthy business man hires a private plane, he doesn’tassume it will come with ‘a man in the galley’. Now get in the locker!

ARTHUR: Fine.

(Locker rocksnoisily at the sudden invasion of an Arthur.)

CAROLYN: Allright. Back in a minute, and you two? Try to look like pilots. You know, realpilots.

(Flight deck doorcloses.)

DOUGLAS: Martin?

MARTIN: Mm?

DOUGLAS: WhileArthur’s shut away in a small tin cupboard, can I ask you, in the Secret Santa,did you happen to get me?

MARTIN: Well, I –I don’t think I should tell you, should I?

DOUGLAS: Not ifyou’re upholding the strictest principles of Santa-ly Secretiveness, no, butjust between us?

MARTIN: Yes, as ithappens I did.

DOUGLAS:Excellent. Can I swap with you?

MARTIN: But thenyou’d get you.

DOUGLAS: I know.

MARTIN: Why – whywould you want yourself?

DOUGLAS: Well,call it a harmless whim.

MARTIN: This is ascheme, isn’t it?

DOUGLAS: A scheme?Me? On Christmas Day? What sort of a person do you take me for?

MARTIN: What areyou after this time?

DOUGLAS: Oh,nothing that would interest you. Will you swap then?

MARTIN: Who’ve yougot?

DOUGLAS: Arthur.

MARTIN: Ooh! Icould give him a stocking. Okay then.

(Slips areswapped.)

DOUGLAS: Thankyou.

MARTIN: Now, doyou have an orange on you?

DOUGLAS: Anorange? Orange. (Change jingles, as DOUGLAS makes absolutely certain he isn’tconcealing a satsuma about his person.) Let me just check my citrus pocket. No.And my emergency citrus pocket?

MARTIN: Yes, allright!

DOUGLAS: Why doyou want one?

MARTIN: Well,there’s always an orange in a Christmas stocking! And chocolate coins and asugar mouse. Everyone knows that!

DOUGLAS: I see.This is definitely all still for Arthur’s benefit, is it?

MARTIN: Yes!

DOUGLAS: Justchecking. How are you going to make chocolate coins?

MARTIN: Well, I’vethe chocolate I peeled off the raisins. I just need to...put it on some coins.

(Flight deck dooropens.)

CAROLYN: Mr.Alyakhin, this is Captain Crieff.

MR. ALYAKHIN:Pleased to meet you.

DOUGLAS: And you,though actually –

MARTIN: I’m thecaptain.

MR. ALYAKHIN: Areyou?

MARTIN: Yes.

MR. ALYAKHIN: I’msorry. I thought you were the – uh – what do you call him?

DOUGLAS: Captain’sLittle Helper?

MARTIN: No, I – Iam the captain.

MR. ALYAKHIN: Hedoesn’t look like a captain. I fear our clients would not be impressed.Perhaps, when welcoming them aboard, this one could wear the captain’s hat?

MARTIN: No, hecouldn’t! Sorry, no.

DOUGLAS: No, Iagree. You see Captain Crieff here has assiduously built up his neck muscles byconstant wearing of that hat. Whereas I fear the sheer weight of gold braidwould snap mine like a dry twig.

MR. ALYAKHIN: Whatdoes your other captain look like?

MARTIN: What othercaptain? I’m the captain!

CAROLYN: Out ofthe two of you, yes, but obviously, we have other pilots at MJN Air.

MARTIN: Do we?

CAROLYN: Yes, ofcourse!

DOUGLAS: Remindme, if you would, of the names of the others.

CAROLYN: Well,there’s uh – there’s Nigel, and, um, and Noel!

DOUGLAS: Noel!Christmassy name.

CAROLYN:Yes...yes, he was born on Christmas Day.

DOUGLAS: Oh,really? I never knew that about old Noel.

CAROLYN: Well, nowyou do.

DOUGLAS: Is thatwhy he didn’t have to fly today, because it’s his birthday?

CAROLYN: No! Hedoesn’t have to fly today, like Nigel, because they’re senior to you two andget to pick their trips first, because they’re so much better.

DOUGLAS: Oh, Isee. Is that why you’re stewardessing today as well? Rather than our usualstewardesses - Holly and Ivy and Carol? And Mary Christmas?

MARTIN: Yes, andBert!

DOUGLAS: Yes, dearold Bert, the stewardess. Eighty-six today and still less grumpy than certainof his colleagues.

MARTIN:Ei-ei-ei-ei-eighty-six today, did you say?

DOUGLAS: That’sright! He shares a birthday with Noel – and the little baby Jesus.

CAROLYN: Allright, that will do! Mr. Alyakhin, the sat-com.

MR. ALYAKHIN:Thank you, thank you. (Sat-com beeps, and MR. ALYAKHIN commences conversationin Russian.)

DOUGLAS: Um, bythe way, Carolyn, sorry to bother you, but I've just realised I’ve got myselfin the Secret Santa. Can I swap with you?

CAROLYN: What?Yes, yes, for all I care. Oh! No, no, no, no – wait! I was going to give Martinthat wine.

DOUGLAS: So?

CAROLYN: Well, Ican’t give it to you, can I? You don’t drink.

DOUGLAS: Oh, don’tworry. I have friends who drink. I’ll pass it on.

CAROLYN: Oh, allright then. Here’s the slip.

(Slips swap onceagain.)

MR. ALYAKHIN:Harasho. Spasiba, Andre. Spasiba. Okay, I have finished. Babushka, let usreturn.

MARTIN: Babushka?

CAROLYN: Saynothing.

(Flight deck doorcloses.)

MARTIN: So, yourscheme then?

DOUGLAS: Yes?

MARTIN: Was to gethold of that bottle of wine?

DOUGLAS: Yes.

MARTIN: Expensivebottle of wine, is it?

DOUGLAS: Oh yes.

MARTIN: Reallyexpensive?

DOUGLAS: Yep.

MARTIN: Hundredsof pounds?

DOUGLAS: Couple ofthousand, probably.

MARTIN: You’regoing to sell it?

DOUGLAS: Certainlyam.

MARTIN: Ohh.

DOUGLAS: Don’tfeel bad for Carolyn. She nicked it in the first place.

MARTIN: Christmasreally brings out the best in you, doesn’t it?

ARTHUR: Er, chaps?Can I come out yet?

MARTIN: Oh, God,sorry, Arthur! Yes, of course.

(Locker dooropens.)

ARTHUR: Ah. Oh,that’s better. Um, whose is this umbrella? I’m afraid I might have...stood onit a bit.

MARTIN: Oh,Arthur! That’s mine, and it’s new!

ARTHUR: Sorry,Skip. Still, it is a green umbrella.

MARTIN: Yes, so?

(Umbrella rustlesin process of being stood on end.)

ARTHUR: Christmastree!

DOUGLAS: Ah yes,just like the carol: #Deck the halls with Martin’s brolly.#

MARTIN: Douglas!

DOUGLAS: #Fa la lala la, la la la la!#

MR. ALYAKHIN: I amsorry, babushka. I don’t think it will work. You, I like, and I believe I cansee how we could sell your terrible aircraft as ‘retro experience’. But yourcaptain - he does not inspire confidence, I’m afraid he looks to me likeexactly the sort of rule-bending chance-taker I was talking about.

CAROLYN: What?Martin? You’re rejecting us because you think Martin might not be enough of astickler? Right! Come with me.

ARTHUR: Aw, it’sbeautiful.

MARTIN: All right,who wants to put the star on top?

(Flight deck dooropens.)

CAROLYN: I’mbringing him back. Arthur, in your locker!

ARTHUR: I’m going!I’m going!

CAROLYN: Come onthrough!

MR. ALYAKHIN:Gentlemen, sorry to interrupt again. Good Lord, what is that?

DOUGLAS: Nothing.Just an umbrella. It’s drying off.

MR. ALYAKHIN:You’ve...decorated it?

DOUGLAS: No, no.We’ve just dropped things on it. Strategically.

MR. ALYAKHIN: Andyou, what are you covered in?

MARTIN: Me? Oh, ohyes, I – I – I may have got a bit of, uh, chocolatey stuff –

MR. ALYAKHIN: Why?

MARTIN: Just asnack. Keep the blood sugar level up. It’s a long way from Hong Kong to Hawaii.

DOUGLAS: Martin!

MR. ALYAKHIN: FromTokyo...

MARTIN: Yeah, butwe started in Hong Kong.

CAROLYN: Oh God!

MR. ALYAKHIN: Doyou mean to tell me that, before you flew me from Tokyo to Molokai, you flewfrom Hong Kong to Tokyo?

MARTIN: ...No.

MR. ALYAKHIN: No,you didn’t?

MARTIN: No, Ididn’t mean to tell you that.

MR. ALYAKHIN: Thenhow can you possibly still be within your legal hours? I’m sorry, babushka, butthis is precisely the sort of dangerous corner-cutting I was afraid of –

DOUGLAS: Er, if Imay?

MR. ALYAKHIN:What?

DOUGLAS: Beforeyou go any further, there’s someone I think you should meet. (Opens locker.)Mr. Alyakhin, this is Noel. Say hello, Noel.

ARTHUR: Hallo, I’m–

DOUGLAS: No needto say anything else! Noel is our relief pilot, who has been swapping in andout with both of us throughout the two sectors, thus extending our duty hoursin the CAA approved manner. Haven’t you, Noel?

ARTHUR: Yes, I –

DOUGLAS: That’lldo.

MR. ALYAKHIN: Butwhy has he been hiding in locker?

DOUGLAS: Well,because...as you know, today’s his birthday, and we’re organising a surprisebirthday party for him.

MR. ALYAKHIN: Isee. And I suppose that explains the chocolate and decorations?

DOUGLAS: Oh, so itdoes! I mean yes, it does.

(Gerti drives toher stand.)

DOUGLAS: Afterlanding checks complete and on stand at seven minutes to midnight precisely.

MARTIN: Arthur!We’re ready! In you come! (Flight deck door opens.) Okay, Arthur, your sevenminute Christmas starts...now!

ARTHUR: Hooray!(Blows party whistle.)

MARTIN: Where didyou get that from?

ARTHUR: Oh, Ialways carry one of these. You never know.

MARTIN: And off wego! Tree – look!

ARTHUR: It’sbeautiful!

DOUGLAS: It’s agreen umbrella with little milk buckets stapled to it.

ARTHUR: I thinkit’s beautiful!

MARTIN:Decorations – t’dah!

ARTHUR: Wow, I’venever seen so many of the warning lights on before.

DOUGLAS: Yes. Yes,this is what happens if you tell a plane it’s flying when it’s actually parked.Poor old Gerti would like us to know she’s flying considerably too close to theground and infinitely too slowly.

MARTIN: Turkey!Direct from the Air-Con Carvery. Here you go.

ARTHUR: Mm,lovely.

MARTIN: Seconds?

ARTHUR: Ooh, whynot? It’s Christmas!

MARTIN: Christmaspudding! Now the trick here is it’s a bit like a tequila slammer. You take araisin, dip it in custard-cream crumbs and then knock it back with coffeecreamer. Ready?

ARTHUR: Ready!

MARTIN: Go!

(ARTHUR gulps,chokes and coughs his way through his shot of Christmas pudding.)

ARTHUR: Ah, oof,lovely!

(Flight deck dooropens.)

CAROLYN: Success,my little Christmas elves! Mr. Alyakhin has agreed to give us a trial run inthe New Year.

MARTIN: Carolyn!Great! You’re just in time for presents.

CAROLYN: Why arewe doing it now?

ARTHUR: Becausefor the next four minutes, it’s still Christmas!

CAROLYN: But –

DOUGLAS: Carolyn,you first.

CAROLYN: Oh, well,yours is the wine, Douglas. Shall I get it for you?

MARTIN: No time!Douglas, what did you get for Carolyn?

DOUGLAS: Youremember twenty minutes ago, when I brilliantly and singlehandedly saved yourbacon with the yacht broker?

CAROLYN: Yes...

DOUGLAS: Well,merry Christmas!

CAROLYN: Thankyou.

ARTHUR: My turn!My turn! This is for you, Martin. It’s one of just a couple of things youmissed off the list, you see. A silly hat!

MARTIN:Oh...goodness. Is that my hat?

ARTHUR: Yes, butmade silly!

DOUGLAS: Sillier.

MARTIN: How is allthat staying on?

ARTHUR: Well, I’veused a sort of framework of dry spaghetti to hold up the –

MARTIN: The cookedspaghetti, yes. Yes. Thank you, Arthur. It’s just what I, um, least expected.Now then, this is for you.

ARTHUR: Oh, anextra sock. Brilliant! Now I’ll always have a pair even when one’s in the wash.

MARTIN: The sock’snot the present - it’s a stocking!

ARTHUR: Oh, wow!Thank you, Skip! Oh, what have we got? Um, an orange – Tic Tac...

MARTIN: It’s theclosest I could get.

ARTHUR: A sugarsachet with a - a rabbit drawn on it?

MARTIN: It’s am-mouse! it’s a sugar mouse!

ARTHUR: Right,yep, and some 5ps that, um, with – what’s happened to the 5ps?

MARTIN: Because ofthe chocolate! They’re chocolate coins!

ARTHUR: Oh,brilliant! Thank you!

(Watch alarmsounds.)

MARTIN: Andmidnight!

ARTHUR: Aw, well,thank you, chaps – best Christmas ever!

DOUGLAS: Really?You did spend a fair amount of it in a tin box.

ARTHUR: Yeah, allright. Well, best this year anyway.

DOUGLAS: Notnecessarily. What about next Christmas?

ARTHUR: Well,that’ll be next year.

DOUGLAS:Interestingly, no. You see, I have a little extra present for you, Arthur. Andthat is the information, which, of course, as a professional pilot, Martin willhardly have forgotten, that as you fly from Tokyo to Hawaii, you pass over athing called the International Date Line.

MARTIN:Ohhhohhhhh!

DOUGLAS: At whichpoint you put the clocks back twenty-four hours. In a way, that makes this12.01 on Christmas morning.

ARTHUR: No!

DOUGLAS: So mypresent to you, Arthur, is that we are all of us about to have the whole ofChristmas Day off – in Hawaii, some of us having had the benefit of a dry run.

ARTHUR: Getdressed, you merry gentlemen! Let nothing you dismay! -

DOUGLAS: Yes,perhaps save the full rendition for tomorrow morning.

ARTHUR: Thank you,Douglas! Best present ever! Oh, and actually, that’s great, because I got anextra present for everyone. The other thing you left off my list, Skip.

MARTIN: Hm?

ARTHUR: This!

MARTIN: Mulledwine...(Said beverage glugs out into glasses.) How lovely!

DOUGLAS:You...took my Petrus ‘05, and you...mulled it.

ARTHUR: Well, notproperly. I don’t have the stuff, but, you know, I whacked in some fruit juiceand some sugar and the rest of the orange Tic Tacs, and then I just blitzed itin the microwave. It’ll be close enough!

DOUGLAS: YOU...

MARTIN: Of course,it’ll be close enough, and it’s the thought that counts, isn’t it, Douglas?

DOUGLAS:Absolutely. Thank you, Arthur.

ARTHUR: Oh, you’rewelcome! Merry Christmas!

(Glasses clink,and all the boys have coughing fit.)

CAROLYN: That’sactually rather good.