I thought of the caves after I’d checked around the waterfall and the far end of the Khyber Pass. If I’d been thinking more clearly, I would have checked the caves first. Not that it would have made much difference. The boat had probably been gone since sun-up.
These days I can find comfort in the idea that, weirdly, my deranged assault had cured Karl after all. I often picture him, trying to guess what he’s doing at this moment or that. All the images revolve around him having a normal life, and a loose impression of what a normal life might be in Sweden. Skiing, eating, working in an office, drinking with friends in a bar. An oak-panelled bar with moose heads and hunting trophies on the walls, for some reason. The more mundane the picture, the more comfort it gives me.
But at the time my reaction wasn’t so straightforward. Part of me was relieved that killing Karl was now an impossibility. I doubt I’d have killed him if he had been in the caves, despite the inflexibility of Sal’s order, but I’m glad I never had the chance to find out. Most of me, however, was numb with shock. For the first few minutes after seeing the empty cove, I didn’t even have the will to climb out of the water. All I could manage was to hang on to the rocks, and let myself be scraped up and down by the swell. I couldn’t begin to imagine how Sal would react to this development. Karl turning up during Tet was of almost zero consequence compared to losing the boat, let alone the possible consequences of his arrival on Ko Pha-Ngan.
Eventually one of the larger swells as good as threw me on to the shelf where the gasoline can was usually tied down. Once there, I dragged myself a little further in and didn’t move again until, a short while later, I saw someone surface near the underwater passage.
Instinctively I ducked down, not recognizing the dark bobbing head at first. An instant paranoid scenario had formed: as someone who knew too much, Sal had sent Bugs after me in the same way that I’d been sent after Karl. Maybe this was what she’d meant by saying I couldn’t afford to let her down.
‘Richard?’ the head called over the sound of the waves. It was Étienne. He was treading water, looking around, apparently having spotted neither me nor the missing boat. ‘Are you here, Richard?’
Of all the people I might fear on the beach, Étienne was the least likely candidate. Warily I stood up and waved him over.
I only noticed how cold I was when he’d swum over to the shelf and hauled himself up. I could hear his teeth chattering. The sun was still too low in the sky to reach inside the cave entrance, and the sea wind chilled the spray. ‘I followed you,’ he said, rubbing goose-bumps off his arms. ‘I wanted to talk.’
I paused, wondering why he hadn’t noticed that the boat was gone. Then it dawned on me that there was a good chance he’d never been on this side of the caves. In which case he’d also never been through the underwater passage before. Very brave, I commented to myself. Or just as crazy as everyone else.
‘I know there has been some difficulty between us,’ he continued. ‘Some difficulty between us, yes?’
I shrugged.
‘Please, Richard. I would be very happy if we could talk about this. We should not be this way. Not at this time…’
‘What time is that?’
‘Before…’ Étienne swallowed awkwardly. ‘Before Tet. Sal wants all difficulties to be over for Tet. A new start for the new year… Everybody else in the camp has forgotten their arguments. Keaty and Bugs even. So… I thought we should talk about our problem and make friends again… I thought we should talk about when you kissed Françoise…’
It was funny. My world was falling to pieces, everything in my life revolved around threat, and my nerves were shot to shit. But hearing that Étienne was still worried about the kiss with Françoise made me feel like laughing out loud.
‘That is the problem, no? It is because of my reaction. My stupid reaction. Really, it was all my fault. I am very sorry that…’
‘Étienne, what the hell are you talking about?’
‘… The kiss.’
‘The kiss.’ I glanced up at the sky. ‘Fuck the kiss. And fuck all that crap about Tet and Sal, too. I know how much you care about Tet.’
‘I care about Tet!’ he exclaimed, very alarmed. ‘Of course, I care very much! I am working very hard to make sure tha…’
‘Bullshit,’ I interrupted.
Étienne stood up, making as if he was going to dive back into the water. ‘I have to get back to the fishing detail now. I only wanted to apologize so that now we can be friends and…’
I caught his elbow and dragged him back down. ‘Jesus! What’s the matter with you?’
‘Nothing! Richard, I only wanted to apologize! Please, now I must get back to…’
‘Étienne, will you cut it out? You’re acting like I’m the fucking Gestapo!’
He went very silent.
‘What?’ I shouted. ‘What is it?’
He still wouldn’t reply, but looked extremely worried.
‘Say something!’
After at least a half-minute, Étienne cleared his throat. ‘Richard, I want to speak to you, but… I do not know…’
‘You don’t know what?’
He took a deep breath. ‘I do not know if it is… safe.’
‘Safe?’
‘I… I understand Sal has not been happy with me…’
I dropped my head into my hands. ‘Christ,’ I muttered. ‘You do think I’m the Gestapo.’
‘I think you… do things. You do things for Sal. Everybody knows…’
‘Everybody knows?’
‘Today, you were looking for Karl…’
‘What does everybody know?’
‘Where is Karl, Richard? Did you catch him?’
I closed my eyes against a wave of nausea.
‘Is he dead now?’
Everyone knew I did things for Sal. Everyone talked about it. They just didn’t talk about it in front of me.
Étienne might have continued speaking, asking what I’d done with Karl, but I can’t be sure because I wasn’t really listening. My head was filling up. I was remembering the way Cassie had looked at me when I’d let Bugs slip and slide in his shit. And the way a consensus of silence could drop as fast as an Asian rainstorm, and Jean nervously asking me on a date, and unmentioned gunshots. Unnoticed Christo dying in the death tent, Sten’s funeral forgotten in half a day, Karl forgotten on a beach.
Except now, suddenly, not forgotten on a beach after all. Deliberately avoided to provide me with a discreet window of opportunity. A space for me to do the things I do for Sal.
God knows what those weeks since the food poisoning had been like for Étienne. It’s impossible for me to put myself in his shoes, working through how he must have interpreted the events around him. I know because I’ve tried. The nearest I got was while I was sitting with him in the empty cove, and I’ve never been close since.
Ultimately, I’ve only got one reliable touchstone to his experience. The scene that followed Karl running through the clearing with me on his tail. The moment when Françoise strode away from him, distancing herself from the liability that he’d become, ignoring his outstretched arms. I’d give a lot to know what she’d said to him later. But obviously it was enough for him to realize that once Karl was out of the way, he might be next.
‘Étienne,’ I said, hearing my voice from far away. ‘Would you like to go home?’
He didn’t seem to reply for a long time. ‘You mean… the camp?’
‘I mean home.’
‘…Not the camp?’
‘Not the camp.’
‘Not…’
‘Leaving the beach. France for you and Françoise, England for me.’
I turned to face him, and was immediately hit by a second rush of sickness. It was the expression on his face, hiding his hope so badly. ‘It’s all right,’ I murmured and reached out, intending to pat his shoulder for reassurance. But as soon as I moved, he recoiled.
‘Don’t worry,’ I said. ‘Everything will be OK. We’re going to leave tonight.’
Efforts
I was a fool. I was kidding myself. As the idea of leaving had come into my head, another idea had sneaked inside with it. That maybe this was the way it could all end up. Not in some VC dope-guard attack and a panic-stricken evacuation from the clearing, but with a simple demobilization of forces. After all, this was the way Vietnam had ended for a lot of US soldiers. Most US soldiers. Statistics were on my side, I’d have played by Mister Duck’s rules, and I’d be out in one piece.
I could not have been more wrong, but that was the way I was thinking. Full of hasty schemes and plans, and the fucked-up optimism that comes from desperation.
I wasn’t bothered by the practicalities of leaving. It would have been easier if Karl hadn’t taken the boat, but we still had the raft. If that was gone, we’d swim. We were all much fitter than we had been and I had no doubts we could do it again. So with transportation out of the way, the only other complication was food and water. But water could be solved with water bottles and catching fish was our speciality. All in all, the practicalities weren’t worth more than passing consideration. I had much more serious things on my mind, like who we’d take with us.
Françoise was the first to sort out. She was standing two boulders over from mine, one hand loosely resting on her thigh and the other pressed to her lips. Étienne stood in front of her, talking rapidly, too quiet for the sound to carry.
Their conversation became increasingly animated. Intense enough for me to start worrying that Gregorio would notice there was some kind of problem. He was in the water, closer to me than them, diving with Keaty. But just as I began to contemplate ways I might distract Greg’s attention, the exchange abruptly ended. Françoise looked over at me with wide eyes. Étienne said something urgent, and she quickly turned back. Then Étienne threw a quick nod in my direction, and that was that. I knew she’d agreed to leave.
It was a big relief. I’d been completely unable to predict how she’d react, and worryingly, so had Étienne. He’d said that it would all depend on whether she put the beach above her love for him. A close call, judging by the way things had been going, and we both knew it.
But however close the Françoise call was, it was a lot more straightforward than the other two names on our list: Jed and Keaty. Or my list, I should say, because Étienne didn’t want to take either of them. I could see his point – if we only had to take Françoise, we could almost have left at once. We could have been above the cliffs and on our way to the raft within sixty minutes. But over the months of my beach life, I’d done enough to keep me in nightmares for the next twenty years. I didn’t want to add to my sentence now. Jed and Keaty had been my best two friends on the beach, and even if it was risky – particularly with Keaty – I couldn’t disappear without offering them the chance to come too.
The nightmares I couldn’t avoid were Gregorio, Ella, Unhygienix, Jesse and Cassie. Even if they agreed to come – which they wouldn’t – and we managed to keep it secret from Sal – which would be impossible – we’d never all fit on the raft. So they had to be left behind. And I accepted that without any internal debate. It was irrelevant how it made me feel.
Soon after Étienne had finished talking to Françoise, she swam over to where I sat and pulled herself halfway out of the water. I waited for her to say something, but she kept quiet. She didn’t even look at me.
‘Is there a problem?’ I whispered, keeping one eye over her shoulder. Gregorio and Keaty were still diving near by. ‘… You understand why we have to go?’
‘Maybe,’ she replied after a pause. ‘I understand that Étienne wants to leave because he is frightened of Sal.’
‘He’s right to be frightened of her.’
‘Is he?’
‘Yes.’
‘But I do not think that is why you are leaving… For you, there is something else.’
‘… Something else?’
‘You would not leave if it was only because Étienne is frightened of Sal.’
‘I would. I am.’
‘No.’ She shook her head. ‘Will you tell me why you want to leave?’
‘It’s just like Étienne told you…’
‘Richard. I am asking you. Please tell me why.’
‘There’s nothing to tell. I think if we stay that Étienne may be in danger.’
‘You do not think it can get better after Tet? Everyone says life will be better after Tet. You do not think, maybe we should stay? We can wait for a few more days, and then, if you are still afraid…’
‘Tet will change nothing, Françoise. Life will only get worse.’
‘Worse… Worse than we have had.’
‘Yes’
‘But you will not tell me why.’
‘… I don’t know how I could.’
‘But you are sure.’
‘Yes. I’m sure.’
She slipped back into the water. ‘We will never be able to come back.’ she said, just before her head submerged, and sighed. ‘So sad…’
‘Perhaps,’ I replied to the stream of bubbles she left behind on the surface. ‘If there was anything to come back to.’
Ten minutes later, Gregorio held up his fishing spear. A milkfish flapped on its point, sliding itself further down the shaft with its efforts to get free, the last fish needed for the extra quota.
Françoise, Étienne and Gregorio began to make their way back towards the beach, jumping between the boulders where possible, swimming where necessary. Keaty and I stayed back.
‘Hang on,’ I’d said, when the others had set off. ‘I want to show you something.’
He’d frowned. ‘We’ve got to get the catch back.’
‘It can wait. Twenty minutes. Twenty-five. It’s important.’
‘Well,’ he’d said, and shrugged. ‘If it’s important…’
Show, Don’t Tell
I had imagined that, of the three, Keaty would be the hardest to persuade. He’d lived on the beach for longer than all of us, he didn’t have Françoise’s attachment to Étienne, or Jed’s bleak disillusionment. But it turned out he was the easiest. All I had to do was to show him where the boat had been, and he virtually came up with the idea himself.
‘It can’t be gone,’ Keaty said, and leant over, trailing his arms in the water as if hoping to find its sunken prow. ‘It just can’t be. It’s not possible.’
‘But it is.’
‘It can’t be.’
‘You can see for yourself.’
‘Don’t tell me what I can see!’
‘… I don’t know what Sal’s going to say…’
‘I do! She’s going to fucking flip! She’s going to lose her mind! She’s going to…’ He rose up with a jerk and clapped both hands to his head. ‘Oh my God, Rich…’
I frowned with what I imagine looked like innocent concern. ‘… What is it?
‘I was the one who tied it up… I was the one who… Jesus Christ!’
‘What? Tell me!’
‘I’m dead!’ he almost screamed. ‘I’m a fucking dead man!’
‘… Dead? Why?’
‘The food poisoning! And now losing the boat! Shit! Fuck! Of all things, losing the… Don’t you get it? She’ll do for me! She’ll do for me like she did for… for… Oh no!’ He leapt to his feet and started quickly backing away. ‘… This is why you got me here, isn’t it? She already knows! She already fucking knows!’
I stood up too.
‘You stay where you are!’
‘Keaty…’
He drew back a fist. ‘Stay where you are!’
‘Keaty…’
‘I swear, if you make one fucking move I’ll…’
‘Keaty!’ I yelled, suddenly feeling angry myself. ‘Shut the fuck up! I’m not going to attack you, for Christ’s sake!’
‘Back off!’
‘OK, OK!’ I took several steps away from him. ‘I’m backing off!’
‘Further! Get right back against the rock!’
I did as I was told. ‘There! Satisfied?’
He stayed frozen with his fist raised. ‘If you make one move…’
‘You’ll pulverize me. I know.’
‘I will do it! I’m not Karl! I’m telling you, you won’t have a fucking prayer!’
‘I know. I’ll be creamed. But you’ve got to believe me, I’ve got no intention of attacking you. I can’t even believe you think I would! You’re one of my best friends!’
His fist lowered, but no more than an inch.
‘… Does Sal know about the boat?’
‘No.’
‘You promise?’
‘On my life. The whole reason I brought you here is so you could find out before she did. And think about it, Keaty. How could she know? You only got back last night, so when could she have had a chance to find out?’
He thought about this a few seconds then lowered his fist completely. ‘Yes,’ he murmured blankly. ‘That’s true… She couldn’t know…’
‘Right.’
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