揭秘在美国远程工作的真实情况

A lot of people have asked me how I have liked living in China since 2013, and I’ve become adept at rattling off my list of the country’s terrific attributes — the generous people, something something, the food, something, the culture, something something, the ancient history, Confucius, something something, and especially the speedy delivery to one’s door after ordering things online.

很多人问我在中国生活了七年的感受，而我的回答无非就是中国人很热情，还有这里的美食、文化、历史、儒家思想，特别是快递送货上门服务。

Plus, if you look at a model of Earth, you will notice that it’s a sphere, which leads to an extremely important observation: China is as far away from my ex-wife as it’s possible to get without going into space. 

还有一点，我不用去外太空就能远离前妻。

For me, this fact was dispositive in deciding to go to China — and I suspect there’s many a man out there who will understand exactly what I mean. I was fortunate to fall into the open arms of a great many wonderful Chinese colleagues whose shoe latchets I am not worthy to unloose. They, after all, speak two languages.

于我而言，远离前妻是前往中国的一个重要原因，而且很多男人肯定能明白我的感受。很幸运，我的中国同事都很棒，他们会中英双语，比我强多了。

Unfortunately, the coronavirus outbreak in China happened to coincide with my scheduled vacation to the US. So here I sit, somewhere on the highly contagious East Coast, working from home and laying low, out of sight of the Dragon Lady and hopefully far enough from COVID-19.

但不幸的是，新冠疫情暴发时我正好回美国休假，所以我现在只能在美国东海岸远程上班，希望不被前妻发现，也不要被病毒盯上。

Let me tell you how life really is here:

以下就是我在美国的现状：

Haircut — During this time of social distancing, haircuts are virtually nonexistent. I haven’t had one since December, and I’m looking like a Neanderthal man. 

理发——因为要保持社交距离，理发店是去不了了。从去年十二月起我就没剪过头发，现在就像野人一样。

Out of desperation, I ordered electric hair clippers on Amazon.com, the rough equivalent of Taobao, the other day and I’ve been studying YouTube videos to learn how to cut my own hair. When the clippers are delivered, it’s going to be interesting. Or frightening.

绝望中的我在亚马逊网购了电动理发器，然后跟着网络视频学习理发。等理发器送到以后，效果可能很有趣，也可能很可怕。

Night shift — Remember the spherical Earth? It means that when it’s daytime in China, it’s nighttime in the US. My Chinese colleagues and I have developed an efficient system, but synchronization wasn’t easy. Think of it as a couple of months of jet lag. I must stay awake all night long to do my job, while in China everyone is chipper and cheery working their normal day shifts and going to lunch. 

夜班——中国的白天正好是美国的夜晚，我和中国同事的工作系统很高效，却很难保持同步，就好像经历了几个月的时差。我必须整宿不睡觉工作，而中国同事可以享受正常的工作时间。

I’m not complaining, mind you, not even about the permanent marks I acquired from regularly falling asleep and slamming my face down onto my keyboard during the adjustment process. 

不过我可不是在抱怨，虽然我因为经常睡着磕到键盘上而在脸上留下永久疤痕。

As of this writing, I’m happy to report, I have fully adapted. Staying up all night seems normal — just like working in China, except that it’s dark outside.

不过我现在已经完全适应了，整宿不睡很正常，就好像在中国上白班时一样，只不过外面是黑夜。

The blindfold — You know those eye shades the airlines provide to help passengers sleep on transcontinental flights? I now use one of those to help me sleep at home in the daytime —which is essential, so far as it goes, and not always entirely attainable.

眼罩——你知道飞机上发的眼罩吧？我现在睡觉就戴眼罩，白天睡觉这个是必需品。

Marriage — My Chinese wife is not staying up all night to cheer me on as I manfully wrestle with my computer. Grumble something something. This means, if I want to see her, I must sleep as little as possible during the day because that’s when she’s up and around. Typically, I get out of bed to do some yard work and then go back to sleep. Prepare meals. Sleep. Clean up. Sleep. Hang new window blinds. Sleep. And then I drive her to the Chinese supermarket, which is exactly like being in China again. I can’t read the labels here, either, but I don’t care because I’m half asleep.

婚姻——我的中国妻子并没有陪我熬夜工作。如果我想看见她，就得减少白天的睡眠时间。一般而言，我去打理院子，然后睡觉；准备三餐，然后睡觉；打扫房间，然后睡觉；挂上新买的百叶窗，然后睡觉。我还得开车送她去中国超市。虽然我依然看不懂商品标签，不过我不在乎，因为我快睡着了。

Amazon — I seldom shop anymore, except online. Amazon is my friend, my lifeline, my god. What this means is that I’m forgetting how to communicate in spoken language to other humans. I’m forgetting words and relying on grunts. When I go out, I grunt through my face mask.

亚马逊——我很少在线下购物，亚马逊网站就是我的朋友、生命线和上帝。

And so you see it’s not just the haircut. I’m going full Neanderthal. At least I seem to be staying off the ex-wife’s radar.

在美国的生活可不只关乎理发，我都快完全变成野人了。不过至少我还在前妻的雷达扫描之外。