(英语脱口秀)(三)女生化好妆后，在等男朋友来时在想什么？

You’re probably wondering, “Why are you wearing body glitter?” I will tell you, Chicago. Because my date was late to pick me up. Gentlemen! You need to know this about women. When we get ready, we have a list of things we do to reach our most attractive point. There is an apex, nay, a pinnacle of beauty… that women reach when they’re getting ready. And every minute you’re late to get us is one more minute we spend doubting ourselves, dicking with our makeup, and we get incrementally uglier… as time goes on. One time, my date was an hour late, I grew a tail. This guy was only 30 minutes late, thank God. He walks in, I’m on the ground, there’s caboodle shrapnel everywhere. I’ve got a Wet N Wild lip gloss wand, I’m like, “I’m a pretty girl!” “Save yourself.” But what happens is, we have time, so we start to add things, doubt ourselves. That’s where I found that glitter. “He’s not here. What’s this?” In hindsight, it wasn’t body glitter, it was straight-up craft glitter. But I was like, “I’m gonna put it on my face, make it dainty.” Do you ever feel that? Do you ever feel that you can make something work? Do you ever feel that because you’re not trashy, you can pull off doing something that’s trashy? You’re like, “I can wear fishnet stockings, I went to Stanford.” Like it’s okay for some reason. That’s how I felt about that body glitter. I was like, “I’ll just do a little bit. I’ll do a classy amount. I’m just gonna do a little bit.” Fun fact, you know what body glitter up close looks like? Conjunctivitis. Like, real up close. “I’ll do a little.” Five minutes later, “Maybe just highlight the orbital rim. That way when we’re dancing, the light will hit it and it’ll be like, ‘Bing, anime! Ah!’ Keep going. Keep going.” Five more minutes later, “Maybe I’ll bring a little bit down here and highlight the jawbone so he knows I, what, come from good chewing stock?” Five more minutes later, sparkle fish! So now… I look like a goddamn road flare and we’re in public.