(英语脱口秀)(八)姑娘，你想成为美人鱼吗？

We’re starting from behind here, girls, we’ve gotta say smarter things. From now on… Let’s make a pact. From now on, I don’t wanna hear any more women talk about how they wanna be… mermaids. Okay? Okay? It’s stupid. And I’m not trying to be a bitch, but it’s probably not gonna happen for you. Okay? Literally, you don’t have the bone structure. What worries me, I see it a lot and it’s not from children, it’s grown women, like, “I don’t wanna be adult any more. I wanna be a mermaid.” You… The amount of escapism that’s in that sentence! You wanna move to the woods, you wanna make jam, fine. At least you’re still paying taxes. You wanna be a mermaid? That means all of your achievements in life are gonna lead to you being a fictional fuck toy for a horny sailor. That’s what you want? That’s what mermaids are! Read a book! Because I see it a lot. T-shirts, right? “I am a mermaid.” “Yo soy mermaid.” “Je suis mermaid.” Let’s discuss the logistics… of being a mermaid, so that you have the information. If and when the job opportunity presents itself on LinkedIn… you can make an informed decision, okay? If you are a mermaid, you don’t sleep. Girls are like, “Oh, my God, I love sleeping.” “None for you. Just swim.” It’s chugging Mountain Dew Code Red. There are no beds, but there is Mountain Dew Code Red. You’re some white-trash jacked-up mermaid just swimming, swimming. And by the way, you don’t have fins. Remember, you’re half-human. So you’ve got arms. You’ve got these thick-ass traps, just swimming. You can’t stop swimming, because if you do, something will try to eat you, fuck you or kill you, okay? It’s not dissimilar to being a woman in a downtown area. So just swimming, swimming. Now, you’re swimming all day, you’re probably pretty hungry, right? How are you gonna catch food? Remember, you’re half-human. We don’t have animal-catching accoutrements, like claws and tentacles and lasers. We don’t have those kind of things. We have big brains. So I don’t know what you’re gonna do. Maybe talk a crab to death. Like, “Excuse me. Excuse me.” I was thinking of double majoring in psychology and communications. Excuse me. Excuse me. Are you a cancer?” So now… you’re hungry, you’re tired, you’re like, “I don’t care because I’m gonna lay on the beach like a mermaid.” No, you won’t. Sailors are gonna try to fuck you and the Japanese will definitely try to eat you just for funsies, okay? You’re swimming around like, “I don’t care because I’ll have long, flowing hair.” No, you won’t. You ever go in the ocean? You guys aren’t on an ocean, you’re on a lake. You’re a lake mermaid? What are you, half trout? Kill yourself. Ohh! Freshwater mermaid? What if you got, like, the weird end of the genetic pool and you were half turtle? No tail but just half… “Long flowing mermaid hair.” You’re not gonna have that. You ever go in the water when there’s waves? You won’t have long flowing hair. You’re going to have one giant mer-dread. And it’s just gonna follow you. It’s just one big old mer-lock and it’s getting caught on propellers, it’s getting caught on anchors. There’s sea lice living in your mer-dread because that’s a warm, hospitable environment. Then there’s fish feeding off those sea lice. There’s an entire sustainable maritime ecosystem attached to your fucking head. You drag it around. Sea lice are nipping at your scalp. You gotta get rid of it, right? You’re like, “I’ll just cut it off.” Ain’t no scissors in the ocean, all right? I don’t care what the Little Mermaid told us because she was a liar and a hoarder. Hoarder! We let it go because she was pretty, but she was super-gross. # Look at this stuff, isn’t it neat? # That’s a used toothbrush. Don’t put it in your… Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! You’re gonna get sick! Still gotta get rid of that mer-dread because it’s a hazard, so what do you do? You have to get another fish to help you. You have to do what they do in the animal kingdom. You must what? You must what? Who here took marine biology? You have to what? Form a symbiotic relationship with other marine life. Good. And have that fish… come in with his fish tooth and just saw off your mer-dread, right? It’s gonna be bad-looking. But now, remember, you gotta pay that fish back. That’s the nature of a symbiotic relationship, you must reciprocate. How you gonna pay that fish back? You ain’t got no money, shell-tits. I hate to say it, but the only thing you have… is fish sex and I don’t know if you have a vagina because I’m not an ichthyologist and I don’t know how fish work. I should’ve looked it up before the taping but I’m just trying to tell you some jokes and I think I’ve done a pretty good job. You know what fish do? They poop. You’ve got a fish butt. So think about that. So. So now you’re swimming around, you’re hungry, you’re tired, you’ve got a fucked-up haircut, you’re like a little sore, you’re like… “I don’t care. I’m gonna be a mermaid. I’m gonna swim. Because I will swim like a mermaid.” Let’s remember how mermaids allegedly, because they are not real, swim. They swim… like dolphins. Hey, ladies, do you love ab day at the gym? Well, that’s your fucking life, sister! “37. 38.” Just trying to get through. Your entire existence is that of an R. Kelly backup dancer. Just swimming through the nineties. So, you can be a mermaid or you can always get a job in front of a used car dealership. No mermaids. We can do better. No mermaids.