Gaslight-C3-01

Stage 1: “What Are You Talking About？

You’re at the movies with a date, waiting for thefilm to start, and you suddenly feel thirsty. “Excuse me,” you say. “I’m dyingof thirst. I’ll be right back.” You go out to the lobby, get a drink from thewater fountain, and return. When you ease back into your seat, your date isglaring at you. “What’s the matter?” you ask.

“What were youdoing out there?” he fumes. “How could you be so inconsiderate? I’m sittingalone here for nearly twenty minutes. What am I supposed to do with myself?”

“Was it really thatlong?” you respond, slightly surprised. The movie hasn’t even started yet, andthe two of you didn’t arrive that early.

“Maybe you weren’tkeeping track of time, but I was,” your date says. Then the lights dim, and heputs his arm around you in that affectionate way you always love. “Whateverperfume you’re wearing tonight, you should always wear it,” he murmurs romantically into your ear. The rest of the evening goesso well, you remember all over again why you like this guy so much. And thenext day, when you tell your best friend about the date, you don’t even mentionthe drinking-fountain incident.

YOU’VE JUST MET your newboss, and she seems perfect. She takes you out to lunch during your first weekand spends the entire time complimenting you on the greatjob you’ve been doing. You’ve never felt so appreciated, and you can’t wait toshow this woman what you can really do now thatyou’ve got the chance.

Then one day, youoversleep and come in forty-five minutes late. You apologize profusely, but your new bosssmiles and says she understands. “Sometimes, when we feel threatened, we tendto want to avoid whatever makes us feel that way,” she says sweetly. “Soplease, tell me, what exactly do you find threatening about your current jobsituation? I’m happy to work with you to make this a more comfortable place.”

You insist that yousimply screwed up in setting your alarm (you don’t want to admit you were outlate partying the night before), but no matter what you say, she only smiles.

“I’m sorry you feelyou can’t be honest with me,” she says as she finally sends you back to yourdesk. “If you change your mind, please, my door is always open.”

She couldn’t havebeen nicer, but you find yourself feeling extremely uncomfortable, thoughyou’re not sure why. And when later that day your boss hands you an assignmentyou’ve been coveting for the past six months, you promise yourself never to be late againand put the incident out of your mind.

YOUR FAMILY IS planning aneightieth birthday party for a favorite uncle, and you’re calling Aunt Jean tofind out what you can bring. “Oh, you’re such a busy career girl,” she says.“Why don’t you just bring some bread from a nice bakery? Then you won’t have tocook.”

You insist thatyou’d love to cook for Uncle Ira, but Aunt Jean won’t hear of it, and you agreeto bring the bread. Then, the day before the party, Aunt Jean calls you at theoffice. “Your mom was just telling me about the fabulous chocolate-hazelnutcake you made for your father’s birthday,” she says. “Ira loves chocolate. Whydon’t you bring that?”

You point out thatthe cake requires an elaborate set of ingredients and several hours to make.You’ve just been hit with a monster deadline at work, and at this point, you have no timeleft either to shop or to cook.

“Butyou said you wanted to make something!” Aunt Jeansays plaintively.And when you offer to pick up a bakery cake, she just sighs. “Well, go aheadand buy the cake then,” she says finally. “I’m sure it won’t be as good as yourown special recipe, but never mind. I would never have bothered you if I’dknown how busy you were.”

You hang up thephone feeling confused. You did offer to bringsomething homemade—and you would have loved to cook something special for yourbeloved Uncle Ira. How have you ended up failing both him and Aunt Jean?