2. Decide Whether the Conversation Is Really aPower Struggle. And if It Is, Opt Out.
Part of why gaslighting is so insidious is thatyou don’t always realize what the conversation is really about. Let’s look again at the way Katie and Brian argued over whether Katiewas flirting. What’s really going on here?
BRIAN: Did you see that guylooking at you tonight? Who does he think he is?
KATIE: Brian, I’m sure hedidn’t mean anything by it. He was just being friendly.
BRIAN: Wow, you are sonaïve! I would think after all this time you’d get it. He wasn’t just “beingfriendly,” Katie. He was making a move.
KATIE: He reallywasn’t. He was wearing a wedding ring.
BRIAN: Oh, like that wouldstop any guy. And what were you doing checking him out, anyway? Why did youeven notice whether he had a ring or not? You must have been pretty interestedyourself.
KATIE: Of course I wasn’tinterested. I’m with you.
BRIAN: Bad enough the guyflirts with you right in front of me, now you have to start checking out otherguys. Can’t you even wait till I’m not around before you start trying toreplace me?
KATIE: Brian, I’m nottrying to replace you. I want to be with you. I chose you. Please, please,believe me. You are the one I want. I would never cheat on you.
BRIAN: The least you coulddo is be honest with me.
KATIE: But I am being honest with you. Can’t you see how much I careabout you?
BRIAN: If you care so much,then admit you were checking out that guy. Do me the courtesy of being honestand admit you were checking out that guy.
KATIE: But I wasn’t! Howcan you say such terrible things about me? I love you so much. Please believe me! Please, Brian—
BRIAN: Don’t lie to me,Katie. That’s the one thing I can’t stand.
The fight continues formore than an hour, with Brian becoming angrier and more intense about provinghe’s right, and Katie becoming more and more desperate about trying to winBrian over. If she can’t convince him, she feels he will have proven what abad, disloyal girlfriend she is. And she needs to prove to both of them thatshe’s a good, loyal girlfriend and a loving person.
Mired ingaslighting, neither Brian nor Katie was talking about the actual incident. ForBrian, the encounter was actually a power struggle over whether he was right.And for Katie, the conversation was also a power struggle: She was trying toget Brian to approve of her so that she would not have to worry about whetherhis accusations were true.
So what’s thedifference between a power struggle and a genuine conversation? In a genuineconversation, both people are really listening and addressing eachother’s concerns, even if they get emotional sometimes. Here’s another way acouple might have handled that situation:
HIM: I can’t believe youwere flirting with that guy!
HER: But it was just beingfriendly and talking! It didn’t mean anything!
HIM: It sure looked like itmeant something. How am I supposed to tell?
HER: You don’t have totell, honey. I promise you, you’re the only guy for me. You’re still the guyI’m going home with. You’re the only one I want.
HIM: That sounds good whenyou say it. But when I see you making eyes at those other men, it makes mecrazy.
HER: I didn’t realize itbothered you so much. I’m sorry. But I have to tell you, if I’m not free totalk to other people because you’ll think I’m flirting all the time, it’s goingto make me crazy.
HIM: That’s terrible! Youdon’t care about how I feel at all!
HER: I do. I really want towork this out. Let’s think some more about how we can make this work for bothof us.
As you can see, alot of heated emotions are coming up in that conversation, but no gaslighting.Two people have very different opinions, but no one is pulling power plays;they’re just saying how they feel and what they want. He is saying how he feelsif he sees her flirting. She is saying how she feels if she’s not allowed totalk freely to other people. He’s not trying to prove that he’s right, andneither is she; they’re just trying to solve a difficult problem: how they canboth be happy when, at the moment, they want opposite things.
So if you and yourgaslighter are genuinely working something out, by all means, engage. Talk forhours, or schedule several conversations. If the issue is important enough toboth of you, you may find yourself talking about it for years to come. Being ina couple doesn’t mean you always have to agree; on some things you may neveragree. As long as you are talking and listening respectfully—however emotionalyou may become—there’s no problem (though it may feel painful or scarysometimes).
But if you decide that a power struggle is going on, your first step inturning off the gas is to identify it as such and disengage. Otherwise, you’restill dancing the Gaslight Tango.
Here’s an exampleof a power struggle between my patient Mariana and her friend Sue. The issueseemed simple: Mariana wanted the two women to meet in her neighborhood, whileSue preferred to meet closer to her own home. But look at the way the realissue gets lost and the Gaslight Tango begins.
MARIANA: So maybe you cancome down here next week.
SUE: I’d rather meetuptown.
MARIANA: That’s really notconvenient for me. Can’t you come down?
SUE: We always meet in your neighborhood. I don’t know if you realize that, but it’s true.
MARIANA: No, we don’t.
SUE: Out of the last seventimes we’ve met, five of them have been in your neighborhood, and frankly, I’msick of it. It makes me feel completely disregarded by you, Mariana. I reallythink you believe you’re the center of the universe. It’s very hurtful.
MARIANA: I’m not trying tohurt you! How can you say that about me?
SUE: I don’t know what elseI’m supposed to believe. You seem to think that just because you work longhours at that job of yours, you can make everybody else accommodate you. But Ihave a life, too, you know. Or don’t you think that’s important?
MARIANA: Of course I thinkit’s important. You’re a wonderful friend. Please don’t be mad at me. I’ll meetyou uptown if you want.
SUE: But I hate that I hadto force you into it. Now I feel like you’re being selfish and manipulative. You’re going to give me what I want, but you’re going to make mepay. I feel like there’s no way for me to win. Whatever happens, you’re on top.
MARIANA: Please don’t thinkthat. Our friendship means so much to me. I can’t stand hearing you say thesethings.
SUE: Well, what doyou expect when you behave in such a selfish way? I feel like nothing I careabout matters to you. Maybe we shouldn’t see each other for a while.
MARIANA: Please don’t say that. What can I do to make this better?在这里
You Know It’s a PowerStruggle If …
• it includes a lot ofinsults.
• you keep covering thesame ground.
• one or both of youbring in points that are way off topic.
• you’ve had the sameargument several times before and never really gotten anywhere.
• no matter what you say,the other person keeps having the same response.
• you feel as if theother person is simply in charge.
Clearly, neitherSue nor Mariana is really talking about where to meet. Maybe Mariana does choose the meeting place more often and should nowoffer to be more accommodating. Maybe Sue does have alegitimate grievance. But neither woman is concerned with figuring out what’sreally going on or with making actual plans. They just want to find out who hasmore power. If Sue has more power, she can get Mariana to change her mind andagree that Mariana has been a bad friend. If Mariana has more power, she canget Sue to change her mind and agree that Mariana isreally a good friend.
Because Mariana hadgiven up her sense of self and was allowing Sue to define her, Sue was alwaysthe judge and jury, while Mariana was the defendant, begging for a goodverdict. As a result, these arguments—even the ones she won—made Mariana feelweak and exhausted. She never got what she was really after, an inner sense that she was a good person and a good friend.
She got only Sue’s temporary “not guilty,” which Sue might rescind assoon as the next “trial” began. Mariana might well win some temporaryvictories—she might occasionally get Sue to take back her most negativestatements—but she never won a permanent victory, in which Sue agreed once andfor all that Mariana was a good friend. No matter what Mariana did, Sue alwayskept the power to judge. Indeed, Mariana kept giving Sue that power, hopingthat Sue would use it to judge Mariana “good” and thereby validate her sense ofself. That’s why, in the end, whatever the verdict, Mariana would always comearound to agreeing with Sue; she wanted Sue, not herself, to be the one todecide her worth.
Gradually, Marianacame to realize that when one of these power struggles started, she had tocommit not to winning but to opting out. Trying to win the argument would onlykeep her in the courtroom, begging for mercy from a powerful judge. Opting outwould mean Mariana had turned off the gas and would perhaps become her ownjudge, making her own decisions about who she was, how she should behave, andwhether she was “good.”
Mariana began touse a few phrases to help her disengage: “We’ll have to agree to disagree.” “Ithink we’ve gone as far as we can go.” “I’m feeling browbeaten, and I don’twant to continue.” Sue’s response was uneven. Sometimes she respected Mariana’sefforts and the two women could shift the conversation to more pleasant topics;other times Sue would hang up the phone in a huff and then apologize later. Butat least Mariana was reinforcing her own strength and her responsibility tojudge herself, rather than giving Sue the power to judge her and engaging in apower struggle that she could never win.
Things You Can Say to OptOut of a Power Struggle
• “You’re right, but Idon’t want to keep arguing about this.”
• “You’re right, but Idon’t want to be talked to that way.”
• “I’m happy to continuethis conversation without name-calling.”
• “I’m not comfortablewith where this conversation is going. Let’s revisit it later.”
• “I think thisconversation has gone as far as it can go.”
• “I don’t think I can beconstructive right now. Let’s talk about this at another time.”
• “I think we have toagree to disagree.”
• “I don’t want tocontinue this argument.”
• “I don’t want tocontinue this conversation right now.”
• “I hear you, and I’mgoing to think about that. But I don’t want to keep talking about it rightnow.”
• “I’d really like tocontinue this conversation, but I’m not willing to do so unless we can do it ina more pleasant tone.”
• “I don’t like the wayI’m feeling right now, and I’m not willing to continue this conversation.”
• “You may not be awareof it, but you’re telling me that I don’t know what reality is. Andrespectfully, I don’t agree. I love you, but I won’t talk to you about this.”
• “I love having intimateconversations with you, but not when you’re putting me down.”
• “It may not be yourintention to put me down, but I feel put down, I’m not going to continue theconversation.
• “This is not a goodtime for me to talk about this. Let’s agree on another time that works for bothof us.”
And if You Want to Opt OutWhile Still Expressing Anger
• “Please stop talking tome in that tone; I don’t like it.”
• “I can’t hear whatyou’re really saying as long as you’re yelling.”
• “I can’t hear whatyou’re really saying as long you’re speaking to me with contempt.”
• “I don’t want to talkwhile you’re yelling at me.”
• “I don’t want to talkwhile you’re speaking to me with contempt.”
• “I am not going tocontinue this argument right now.”
• “From my point of view,you’re distorting reality, and I really don’t like it. I’ll talk to you later,when I’m feeling calmer.”
• “Perhaps you didn’tintend to hurt my feelings, but I’m too upset to talk right now. We can talkabout it later.”
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