“Time - Time - Time -”_Ancholia Silentio_免费在线阅读收听下载

Time – Time – Time –
Time gone mad in the thought of eternal recurrence,
Time gone missing in unthinkable absence.
Time has driven me insane – over time itself.

What shall I think with respect to Time?
How shall I live in relation to Time?
How shall I deal with Time passing?
How shall I reconcile with all that lost Time?
How shall I project myself into the future, embracing my past and understanding the present?

Psychopathology of Time

Time has long forsaken me, exiled me out of its borders, and I can no longer eve touch the edge of time. I have lost the trajectory of passing years. Memories have long forgotten me; everything has escaped from me. I incarnate myself in disappearance, absence, and the void.

Since time has forsaken me, I also reject time. I adamantly believe that I died in the autumn when I turned twenty, and time has forever frozen in the year 2016. In the time that followed, I have not truly existed; I have become a lost spirit, a ghost without a name, a face, or an age. Time moved on, but it did not authentically flow through me; I have not entered time. To experience the passing of time is to let time flow in “Being”, which signifies leaving traces that are inscribed with my name, creating experiences in the course of time, and precipitating memories in the soul. “Being” gains substance and takes shape only through time, acquiring its form and contours. Those are the things that I do not have as a ghost. Therefore, I reject time – the existence of time, the passage of time – I completely lack an identification with time.

At the age of twenty, I had already exhausted my time. I broke the clock’s winding key, and the gears of time fell apart.

Back when I was in high school, as self-introduction, I described myself as “a candle with two ends burning”, on the cover of a collection containing my artwork and literary writings, made by myself. At that time, I adamantly believed that I was inexhaustible and inextinguishable.

However, afterwards, when my heart turned into a broken clock, suddenly I aged, transformed into a lifeless ghost, and my future died like a fallen leaf. I pressed it into a book and carried it with me while walking through endless darkness. Since then, I could only live in a time without time, until this body completely perishes.

I am trapped in some unknown space outside the normal timeline, not fully belonging to the past or the future. I am entangled in the threads of time, sinking deeper and deeper into an infinite vortex of unbreakable cycles. I wander, like a somnambulist, in a hostile world with no exit. At the bottom of the abyss, I gaze at the endless and unchanging cycle of day and night.

The increasing rift between the external flowing time and my internal stagnant time grows stronger and stronger, and I am more and more distanced from time.

The categorical denial of time has resulted in an identity crisis concerning my age. I never know how old I am now; if asked, I would say I am probably in my twenties. If I must know for sure, I would subtract my remembered year of birth from the current year, which would give me a foreign number – a number that does not belong to me, a number devoid of any personal significance. But if I remain forever at the age of twenty as the time flows, my year of birth will keep receding.

I am not refusing to grow older; I am refusing to acknowledge time.

时间的精神病理学

时间早已将我放逐，将我驱逐出境，我连时间的边缘都触碰不到了。我迷失了岁月行走的轨迹。记忆也早已将我遗忘。一切都从我身上逃离。我化身与消失、离席与空缺。

既然已被时间抛弃，我也拒斥了时间。我坚信我死在了我二十岁的那个秋季，时间于我永远停滞在了2016年。在那之后过去的时间里，我没有真实存在过，我的身份是一个迷途的鬼魂，是一个没有名字、没有面孔、没有年龄的幽灵。时间在走，但没有在我身上真切地流淌，我没有进入过时间。度过时间，使时间在“存在”中流淌，意味着留下刻着我的名字的痕迹，在时光中创造经历，在心灵中沉淀回忆。“存在”，只有通过时间，才能被赋予实体，获得形式与轮廓。而这些都是作为一个“鬼魂”的我所缺失的。所以我否认时间——时间的存在、时间的进程，我完全缺失对时间的认同感。

在我二十岁时，我就把我的时间用完了。我把时钟的发条崩断了，时间的齿轮也散架了。

在我高中的时候，我就在一个收录了自己画作和文字作品的合集的封面上，将自己介绍为“一支两头燃烧的蜡烛”。在那时，我坚定地认为自己是无法被耗竭，是不会熄灭的。

可是，后来当我的心脏变成了一块破碎的时钟，我突然就老了，突然就变成了一个没有生命的鬼魂，我的未来突然就像一片落叶一样死了。我把它夹进一本书了，带着它行走在绵延不绝的黑暗里。此后的我只能活在一种没有时间的时间里，直至这具身体彻底毁灭。

我被困在了某个未知的时空中，在正常的时间线之外，不完全属于过去或未来。我被时间的线团缠绕住了，在一个无法打破循环的无尽旋涡里越陷越深。我像一个梦游者一样在一个充满敌意的世界里徘徊，没有出路。在深渊底部，我凝望着一成不变、绵延不断、永无止境的昼与夜。

外部在不断行走的时间与我内心停滞的时间的撕裂感越来越强，时间离我越来越远。

否认时间所带来的一个直接后果是对年龄的认同障碍。我一直不知道我现在几岁了，如果有人问，那我会说大概二十多岁吧；如果一定要确切地知道，那就是用现在的年份减去我还记得的我的出生年份，这样我会得到一个陌生的数字、一个不属于我的数字、一个不具备任何个体意义的数字。但如果我永远停留在了二十岁，那随着时间的流逝，我的出生年份就将不断地向后移。

我不是拒绝长大，我是拒绝承认时间。

“Time - Time - Time -”

“Time - Time - Time -”

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