S1-2

CABIN PRESSURE1x02 BOSTON

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CAROLYN: Yourseatbelt fastens like this. And unfastens like this. An invaluable lesson therefor any of you who have never been in a car. In the very unlikely event of anemergency landing, your inflatable safety jacket is under your seat, and thatis precisely where I recommend it stay, given that the largest body of waterbetween here and Luton is a open-air swimming pool in Daventry. Finally, pleasekeep your mobile phones switched off for the duration of the flight. Obviously,they have no effect whatsoever on our navigational equipment or we wouldn’t letyou have them, but they drive me up the wall. Thank you, and enjoy your flight.

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[Opening Credits]

“This week:Boston!”

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MARTIN: Fittonapproach. This is Golf Echo Romeo Tango India, climbing to six thousand feet,left turn, direct Luton.

AIR TRAFFICCONTROL: Okey dokey, have fun.

MARTIN: Carl.

AIR TRAFFICCONTROL: Roger, Golf Tango India.

MARTIN: Thank you.

AIR TRAFFICCONTROL: You’re welcome. Don’t fly into anything I wouldn’t fly into.

DOUGLAS: Posttake-off checks complete.

MARTIN: Thank you,Douglas. Could you balance the fuel please?

[Silence]

MARTIN: Douglas,the fuel.

DOUGLAS: Sorry,Captain, can’t help you.

MARTIN: [sighs]Simon says, ‘could you balance the fuel?’

DOUGLAS: By allmeans. You know, you can give up anytime you like. It’s been six trips.

MARTIN: No, I canget you. Besides, I want another go. I know I can do better than last time.

DOUGLAS: What,even better than, “Shall we play Simon Says, Martin? Okay, I’ll go first,Douglas. Tell me when you’re ready, Martin. I’m ready, Douglas – ugh.” I don’tknow, Martin, you’ve set the bar punishingly high.

[Door opens]

CAROLYN: Ah,gentlemen.

MARTIN: Oh, dear.

CAROLYN: What?

MARTIN: It’salways trouble when we’re gentlemen. I prefer it when we’re imbeciles.

DOUGLAS: Or dolts.

MARTIN: ‘Dolts’ isgood, yes.

CAROLYN: No, thisis good news. I have another job for you.

MARTIN: We’vealready got another job this week.

CAROLYN: Indeedyou have. So stand by for another ‘nother job. The fine people at AlgonquinCharter Air have excellently grounded a Gulfstream at Luton, which leaves themwith a whole parcel of cross Americans who aren’t in America, but would like tobe. And guess who’s making their dream come true? Our very own selves.

MARTIN: We can’tdo it.

CAROLYN: We can doit, we will do it, and we are doing it. Does that answer your question?

MARTIN: It wasn’ta question, Carolyn. It was a statement. The Istanbul trip is Thursday night.

CAROLYN: I know.We get back Thursday morning.

MARTIN: But wehave to have twelve hours’ rest between trips.

CAROLYN: I know.Because you are lazy, lazy pilots. So, we get to Boston Wednesday morning,twelve hours break. Fly home Wednesday evening, arrive Thursday morning, twelvehours break. Off to Istanbul. Perfect.

MARTIN: But – I’vegot my easyJet interview on Wednesday afternoon.

DOUGLAS: Ah well,easyJet, easy go.

CAROLYN: You canstill do that. I don’t care what you do in your twelve hours. You can sleep ortry to sneak away from my company like a sniveling rat. It’s all the same tome.

MARTIN: Douglas,help me out here.

DOUGLAS: Aw, nicetry.

MARTIN: Damn!

CAROLYN: Pleasetell me you’re not still playing Simon Says.

DOUGLAS: I’mafraid I can’t do that – for two reasons.

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[Passengersmurmuring]

ARTHUR: Goodevening, sir. Welcome aboard today. Good evening, madam. Welcome also to youtoday onboard. Good evening, sir. Welcome to being onboard to you today. Oh,er, sir? Excuse me?

PASSENGER: Yeah?What?

ARTHUR: May Iinform yourself that MJN does run a fully comprehensive non-smoking service,and as such result of this, all cigarettes, cigars, and cigarillos must beextinguished upon embarkation and retained in a state of extinguishment untiltermination of disembarkation. Thank yourself for your cooperation.

PASSENGER: I’m notcooperating.

ARTHUR: [pause]No, not yet. But… I’m sure you’re going to in a minute. And then… thank you.

PASSENGER: Do youknow how much I paid to be on this flight today?

ARTHUR: Oh, I betit was loads.

PASSENGER: Yeah,good guess, it was loads. It was so much that it seems to me that uh [inhales]I can pretty much smoke where I like, okay?

ARTHUR: But – it –it’s very dangerous to smoke on an aeroplane.

PASSENGER: No,it’s not.

ARTHUR: [pause] Idon’t know what to say now.

PASSENGER: How oldare you, sonny?

ARTHUR:Twenty-eight-and-a-half.

PASSENGER: Well, Iwas smoking on airplanes for twenty years before you were born. Why do youthink the ‘No Smoking’ signs go on and off?

ARTHUR: Actually,ours don’t mostly. Although one of them flickers. And there’s one we can’t turnon at all because it makes the cabin smell of fish.

PASSENGER: Well,that sure gives me confidence. So, uh, [inhales] we’re all done here, right?

ARTHUR: Yep.

PASSENGER: And Ican smoke.

ARTHUR: Er –

CAROLYN: Hello.Welcome on board. It’s my pleasure to serve you today. Please do let me know ora member of my team know if we can help you at any time, such as, for instance,by extinguishing that cigarette for you.

[Cigarettefizzles]

PASSENGER: Hey!

CAROLYN: Oh, dear.Arthur, get this gentlemen a fresh glass of wine please. This one seems to be abit [chuckles] cigarette-y. Thank you so very much and please do enjoy the restof your flight.

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[On the flightdeck]

MARTIN: Douglas,could you give me the fuel check at the last way point?

[Silence]

MARTIN: Simonsays, ‘give me the fuel check at the last way point.’

DOUGLAS:Certainly. Ten minutes early and seven hundred kilos up on flight plan.

MARTIN: Nearly gotyou though, didn’t I?

DOUGLAS: No.

[Alarm beeps]

DOUGLAS: Ah, herewe go again. Let’s see what vital part’s fallen off the old girl this time. Ah!

MARTIN: What isit?

DOUGLAS: Shall Itell you an interesting thing about this thin metal tube full of petrol we’reflying hundreds of miles above the Atlantic Ocean?

MARTIN: What?

DOUGLAS: It’s onfire.

MARTIN: Douglas.

DOUGLAS: Mastercaution fire, Captain. Smoke detector, passenger loo.

MARTIN: Ah. [ding]Carolyn, we’ve got a –

CAROLYN: Yes, Iknow, I know. Keep your goggles on. It’s just stroppy Mr. Lehman in 3B. Hangon.

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[CAROLYN knocks onthe door of the loo]

PASSENGER: It’staken!

CAROLYN: Sir,please extinguish your cigarette, take the paper cup off the smoke alarm, makea mental note that that trick never works, and return to your seat.

PASSENGER: Nope!

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[Door opens]

CAROLYN: Martin,give Douglas your hat.

[Pause]

CAROLYN: Do it.

MARTIN: You didn’tsay ‘Simon says.’

CAROLYN: I am notplaying your game. The man in the loo refuses to come out, so give Douglas yourhat.

MARTIN: I’m sureto you those two sentences follow another naturally, but I don’t quite see thelogi –

CAROLYN: I don’tneed you to see. I need you to give Douglas your hat.

MARTIN: I don’twant to give him my hat.

DOUGLAS: If ithelps, I don’t want to take his hat.

CAROLYN: Oh, forgoodness’ sakes! Why don’t people just blindly obey anymore? He needs your hatbecause I want the captain to go down there and strike terror into his heart.

MARTIN: But I’mthe captain!

CAROLYN: I am onlytoo painfully aware that you are the captain, Martin. But Douglas actuallylooks and sounds like a captain. You’re not going to strike terror intoanyone’s heart. Unless you chat them up in a bar.

MARTIN: Right.Well, let’s just see about that, shall we?

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MARTIN: Mr.Lehman?

MR. LEHMAN: Yuuup?

MARTIN: I noticeyou’re no longer in the toilet cubicle, sir.

MR. LEHMAN: Aw, Ibet the guys call you ‘Captain Hawkeye!’

MARTIN: Are youaware that ten minutes ago I was on the point of aborting the flight?

MR. LEHMAN: Oh, Iwouldn’t do that if I were you. Looks wet down there.

MARTIN: Because,sir, I was under the impression that the aircraft was on fire.

MR. LEHMAN: No, itwas just me [inhales] smokin’.

MARTIN: Yes, Iknow.

MR. LEHMAN: Right,so you weren’t on the point of aborting anything now, were you?

MARTIN: Sir, asthe commander of this vessel, I must demand –

MR. LEHMAN: Okay,that’s about enough. What are you gonna do, Commander? Have me arrested? No.And I’ll tell you why not. Because your tin pot, little one-airplane outfitneeds me and my business about a zillion times more than I need you. You thinkyou can scare me by marching down here in your Fisher Price,when-I-grow-up-I-want-to-be-a-pilot costume? Give me a break! You’re not thecommander of anything! You’re a little guy who can’t get a game with the bigboys and wears a uniform like a rear admiral’s to make up for the fact thathe’s basically just a flying cabbie! Am I right?

MARTIN: NO! No!You’re not right! You’re – a very rude man! You can’t speak to me like that.I’m the captain!

MR. LEHMAN: Okay,Captain. You run along now and uh [inhales] try not to cry into any importantequipment.

MARTIN:[tearfully] I’m not crying! Your smoke got in my eyes.

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[Door opens]

DOUGLAS: How didit go?

MARTIN: Fine!Fine! Fine! Fine! Fine! ...Arthur?

DOUGLAS: Well,anything you say five times is obviously true.

ARTHUR: Yes,Skipper?

MARTIN: Right,right. Arthur, did you see me inform Mr. Lehman about our non-smoking policy?

ARTHUR: Er. Well,I wasn’t – I wasn’t really looking. I mean… I certainly didn’t notice if hemade you cry. Or not. I mean, he probably didn’t.

MARTIN: I was notcrying. His smoke got in my eyes.

DOUGLAS: [singing]Smoke gets in your eyes…

MARTIN: Shut up,Douglas! Now, Arthur, we’ve already had one fire scare on this trip; we can’tafford to take chances, and since we know that Mr. Lehman has been fullyinformed of the policy and therefore certainly won’t be smoking in the looagain –

ARTHUR: Actually,I think he might.

MARTIN: No, Arthur,he won’t.

ARTHUR: Mm. Thething is though, Skip, with all due respect, but what I’ve got that you haven’tis that Mum sent me on a course on understanding people in Ipswich.

MARTIN: And if Iever want the people of Ipswich understood, you’ll be the first person I call.Meanwhile –

ARTHUR: Yeah,yeah, but it means I can now read people. You know? Like a book.

DOUGLAS: Have youever read a book, Arthur?

ARTHUR: Yes,actually! White Fang! Twice! Anyway, bringing my people reading skills to thetable, I’m able to reveal to you now that Mr. Lehman didn’t show any of thefive indicators of true resolve to change his behavior patterns, and therefore,in a nutshell, I reckon he might smoke in the loo again.

MARTIN: Listencarefully, Arthur, he definitely won’t. And therefore, if the smoke alarm doesgo off again, it can only be a real fire. And so I’m authorizing you, in thatunlikely event, not to waste time knocking, just to override the door lock andimmediately discharge the fire extinguisher into any flame you see.

ARTHUR: Ahhh, anyflame I see.

MARTIN: That’sright. Even if it’s just a little tiny, glow-y one.

ARTHUR: Aye, aye,Skipper.

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ARTHUR: [whispers]Okay, he’s up.

[MR. LEHMANhumming]

ARTHUR: He’s onthe move.

[Door opens andcloses as MR. LEHMAN enters loo]

ARTHUR: Okay, he’sin.

MARTIN: Okay,Arthur, standby.

ARTHUR: Okay.

MARTIN: Standby.

[Alarm beeps]

MARTIN: [veryfake] Oh, no! Emergency! Emergency! The plane is on fire! Arthur, for the loveof God, save us all!

ARTHUR: Yes,Skipper!

[Door opens]

MR. LEHMAN: Hey!What the –

ARTHUR: Fiiire!

MR. LEHMAN: Wha –Ahhh! Oh – dahhh! Oh! Oh, God, oh, my chest, oh, ahh –

[Thud heard as MR.LEHMAN collapses]

ARTHUR: Fire’sout.

[Bing-bong]

MARTIN: Goodevening. This is Captain Crieff speaking. I’m sorry to have to tell you, apassenger has been taken ill, so if there is anyone with medical training onboard, could they please come to the flight deck door. Thank you.

[Door opens]

DOUGLAS: Okay,we’ve moved him to the galley.

MARTIN: How’s helooking?

DOUGLAS: Well,he’s covered in foam and he’s had a heart attack. Otherwise, great.

MARTIN: [sighs] I– I was just thinking, maybe we ought to turn the plane round.

DOUGLAS: Well,yes, of course, we should! Haven’t you done it yet?

MARTIN: Oh, right,right, because on the other hand, obviously, Carolyn’s not going to like itmuch.

DOUGLAS: Martin,that’s irrelevant. It’s a serious medical emergency. You ditch into the nearestairfield, and we’re what… twenty minutes off midway, so forty minutes closer tohome. There’s no question we have to turn round is the decision I imagine youhave come to, Captain.

MARTIN: Yes, itis, exactly.

[Beeps]

MARTIN: Shanwick,this is Golf Echo Romeo Tango India. We have a serious passenger medicalemergency and wish to return as soon as possible.

AIR TRAFFICCONTROL: Roger, Golf Tango India. Standby. I’ll coordinate.

MARTIN: Okay.Carolyn will understand, won’t she? I mean, a life’s at stake. I’m sure I saw adoctor on the load sheet. Here we are! 7A. Dr. Thomas Price. Where is he?

DOUGLAS: Lyinglow, I should think.

MARTIN: What? Why?

DOUGLAS: Tooscared of being sued.

MARTIN: You’rejoking.

DOUGLAS: No.Especially going to America. If he tries to treat him and anything goes wrong,he’s looking at a huge malpractice suit.

MARTIN: But surelyno one will sue someone for trying to save their life!

DOUGLAS: Let’sface it. If anyone would, Mr. Lehman would.

MARTIN: Go andhave a quick look at him for me, would you?

[Silence]

MARTIN: [sighs]Simon says, ‘go and have a quick look at him for me, would you?’

DOUGLAS: ThenSimon shall be obeyed.

[Door closes]

AIR TRAFFICCONTROL: Golf Tango India, very little traffic on your track this evening.Maintain three-three-zero, turn right to Reykjavik, and when in range, contactIceland, one-one-eight-decimal-zero-five.

MARTIN: Oh,Reykjavik. Really? I was thinking we could just go back home.

AIR TRAFFICCONTROL: Well, Reykjavik’s much closer. I thought you said it was a medicalemergency.

MARTIN: Okay,right, yeah. Roger.

[Bing-bong]

MARTIN: Ladies andgentlemen, Captain Crieff here again. I’m sure you’ll understand that as wehave a passenger on board in need of urgent medical attention, we will have tomake an unscheduled stop today in, erm, in Reykjavik. I do apologize for theinconvenience. And, once again, if there is a person with medical training onboard, please do make yourself known to us. Thank you.

[Bing]

[Door opens]

CAROLYN:Reykjavik!

MARTIN: Carolyn,hello.

CAROLYN: Reykjavik!Reykjavik! REYKJAVIK!

MARTIN: Carolyn,you sound like you’re coughing up a hairball.

CAROLYN: Why inthe wide world are we going to Reykjavik?

MARTIN: Because –and I know on a busy flight, you might have missed this – your son hosed apassenger down with a fire extinguisher and gave him a heart attack. So Ithought it might be a touching gesture if we tried to get him to a hospital.

CAROLYN: Andwhat’s wrong with the hospitals in Boston?

MARTIN: Nothing’swrong with them! They’re terribly good! But they’re fifteen hundred miles away.

CAROLYN: But doyou have any idea what it’ll cost to land in Iceland? And find everyoneaccommodation and reroute tomorrow and miss Istanbul?

MARTIN: A man maybe dying back there!

CAROLYN: Ahorrible man.

MARTIN: Carolyn,just because a passenger is rude to you doesn’t mean they deserve to die.

CAROLYN: Okay.Martin, listen. We are almost halfway. Boston can’t be more than what… just…forty minutes further. And putting aside the thousands and thousands of poundsit will cost, look at it from his point of view. He lives in Boston. If wecarry on, he goes to hospital in his hometown. His family and his friends areright there –

MARTIN: Friends?

CAROLYN: He’srich. He’ll have friends. If he goes to some hospital in Iceland, he’ll bealone in a foreign land, his family will have to fly over to be with him –maybe they’ll be too late – all for the sake of forty minutes.

[Beep]

MARTIN: Shanwick,this is Golf Tango India. We wish to cancel our emergency. We’d like tocontinue to Boston.

AIR TRAFFICCONTROL: Oh, all better now, is he? That’s nice. Roger, Golf Tango India. Routedirect to fifty-one North thirty West and resume your previously cleared track.

CAROLYN: Goodcommand decision, Captain. See you later.

[Door opens andcloses]

[Bing-bong]

MARTIN: Sorry todisturb you again, ladies and gentlemen. Just to let you know that we willafter all be continuing our journey to Boston. And, I repeat, if there’s adoctor on board, and they retain even a hazy memory of their Hippocratic Oath,it would be really super to see them in the galley. Thank you.

DOUGLAS: What areyou doing, Martin?

MARTIN: I’m tryingto flush out Dr. Price.

DOUGLAS: No. Whyare you turning back to Boston?

MARTIN: Oh, well,I was just thinking it over, and I realize it’s actually almost as quick to –

DOUGLAS: Carolyngot to you, didn’t she?

MARTIN: What, no,she didn’t get to me. She just happened to make a couple of valid points and –

DOUGLAS: Martin,turn the plane around.

MARTIN: No, I’vemade a command decision.

DOUGLAS: It’s thewrong decision. Boston’s an extra forty minutes away.

MARTIN: Yes, well,forty minutes, that’s not all that –

DOUGLAS: If hedies thirty minutes out of Boston, just as he would be getting into theambulance in Reykjavik, what are you going to tell his family?

[Beep]

MARTIN: Hello,Shanwick. It’s Golf Tango India here again.

AIR TRAFFICCONTROL: Ah, if it isn’t the bouncing bomb. Where can we tempt you with thistime? Tenerife’s very nice this time of year.

MARTIN: Reykjavikwill be fine, thank you.

AIR TRAFFICCONTROL: Are you sure now? I mean, don’t rush into anything because I haveliterally nothing better to do with my time than ping you around the AtlanticOcean all the live-long day.

[Bing bong]

MARTIN: Ladies andgentlemen, this is Captain Crieff once again, just to let you know that Imisspoke a little just now. We will in fact be diverting to Reykjavik Airportas planned.

[Groans heard]

MARTIN: Oh, Iknow, trying to save someone’s life is such a chore, isn’t it? Speaking ofwhich, if there is in fact, and despite the deafening silence so far, a doctoron board, and if that doctor has quite finished his chicken casserole,blueberry cheesecake, and – ooh – coffee with milk no sugar, then maybe such ahypothetical doctor might like to stop flicking through the duty-free catalogand thoughtfully pulling on his sandy mustache, and walk the hypothetical sevenrows to join me with the patient here in the galley. But, if there isn’t adoctor on board, then never mind.

[Bing]

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[Curtains pushedaside]

MAN: Hello?

MARTIN: Oh, hello!Mr. Price, is it?

DR. PRICE: DoctorPrice.

MARTIN: Oh, adoctor! Good Lord, what a stroke of luck! The very thing we’re looking for.Well, this is the patient.

DR. PRICE: Okay,let’s have a look, okay. Uh huh.

MARTIN: What doyou think?

DR. PRICE: Ithink, probably…a bridge.

MARTIN: A bridge?

DR. PRICE: Yeah, atunnel’s obviously out of the question, but if you really need to get past him,you can use a couple of drinks trolleys and a stretcher to rig up a rudimentarycantilever bridge - that at least is my professional opinion as a Ph.D. inCivil Engineering. Or has one of us made some sort of really embarrassingmistake?

MARTIN: Wha – Oh,I’m so sorry. I didn’t…

DR. PRICE: Yeah.Oh, and by the way, I dunno anything about medicine, but this guy doesn’t needa doctor.

MARTIN: What?

DR. PRICE: Notanymore.

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CAROLYN: Turn theplane around.

MARTIN: You’re notlistening to me.

CAROLYN: No, andfar more importantly, you’re not turning the plane around. Do it, now.

MARTIN: I can’tturn the plane around.

CAROLYN: Martin,if there is one thing you’ve proved on this trip, over and over again, it’sthat you can turn the plane around. Or were we just caught in a slow motionhurricane?

MARTIN: But, Mr.Lehman –

CAROLYN: Is dead!God rest his grumpy soul. So he doesn’t need an ambulance; he doesn’t need ahospital. All he needs is to be taken home. To Boston.

MARTIN: Douglas.

DOUGLAS: You couldtell her we no longer have enough fuel left to get to Boston safely.

MARTIN: Yes, thankyou! Carolyn, we no –

DOUGLAS: But wedo.

MARTIN: Thank youso much.

DOUGLAS: Sorry,but she’s right. We should go to Boston.

CAROLYN: Ah-hah!

MARTIN: Fine,fine. We’ll go to Boston. But only if…

CAROLYN: Yes?

MARTIN: Douglastalks to Shanwick.

CAROLYN: Douglas?

DOUGLAS: Mypleasure.

[Beeps]

DOUGLAS: Hello,Shanwick. Greetings once again from the merry men of Yo-Yo Airways.

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ARTHUR: Well,goodbye then. I feel someone should, erm, say a few words. Hamilton R. Lehman.Born 1943 in… America, probably. Died 2008 in the sky… definitely.Non-vegetarian option. I didn’t know you for very long, Mr. Lehman, but I’llalways remember you as a shouty man. You loved to shout. Shout and smoke. Thosewere your twin passions. And so, in a way, I suppose you died doing what youloved: shouting and smoking and covered in foam. I don’t know if you likedthat. You probably didn’t. Still. Goodbye. Rest in peace. Thank you for flyingMJN Air!

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MARTIN: D’youthink we’ll make it in time?

DOUGLAS: Rememberhow I didn’t know three minutes ago? No new information has come in since then.

MARTIN: Right.[sighs]

DOUGLAS: You allright?

MARTIN: Yeah. It’sjust, you know, it hasn’t been a great trip, has it? And I think possibly Imade a few – well, I didn’t exactly – I’ve got this interview when we get back– if we get back in time, which I doubt, and I just wondered if, as a captain,as… things – [sighs] I mean, I only ask because, of course, you were a captainfor a while, and I just wondered if – I mean, this is a bit difficult, but –could you give me some advice?

DOUGLAS: Well, themain thing is, you’ve got to stop asking for advice.

MARTIN: Great,thanks.

DOUGLAS: That’sokay. You can start as soon as I’ve given you mine. You’re the captain, Martin.And one of the many excellent things about being captain, along with theirresistible sexual magnetism and first crack at the cheese tray, is thatyou’re always right. So by all means, take opinions, but remember: You don’thave to listen to Carolyn. You don’t have to listen to ATC. You don’t even –and savor this because I shall never say it again – you don’t even have tolisten to me. You’re the boss. What you say goes.

MARTIN: Yes. Yes,you’re right. Okay. Thank you. But, er, Douglas?

DOUGLAS: What?

MARTIN: Simonsays, ‘could you give me some advice?’

DOUGLAS: [groans]Well done.

MARTIN: My turn!My turn!

DOUGLAS: Allright. Tell me when you’re ready.

[Silence]

DOUGLAS: Simon says,‘tell me when you’re ready.’

MARTIN: I’m ready.

DOUGLAS: Comeagain?

MARTIN: I’m ready– oh!

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ARTHUR: Goodbye!Thank you for flying MJN Air. Goodbye! Thank you for flying MJN Air. Goodbye!Thank you for flying MJN Air. Goodbye! Tha – oh, that’s it. Hold on, Mum!

DOUGLAS: And we’reall finished at the pointy end with a cheeky little twelve minutes in handbefore we go out of hours.

CAROLYN: Great!Well… The paramedics are back there in the galley with Mr. L., so as soon asthey’re ready –

[Curtains pushedaside]

CAROLYN: Oh, speakof the devils. Well, the angels.

PARAMEDIC: Are youCarolyn Knapp-Shappey?

CAROLYN: Yes.

PARAMEDIC: Did youcall up an ambulance and crew, Ma’am?

CAROLYN: Yes, Idid.

PARAMEDIC: And whydid you do that?

CAROLYN: Why?Well, because, I – well, I mean, look at him.

PARAMEDIC: We arelooking at him, and we’d like to know what you expect us to do with him?

CAROLYN: I have totell you, I really don’t mind. Once he’s off my plane, as far as I’m concerned,you can let your imagination run wild.

PARAMEDIC: Ma’am!He’s dead. He’s been dead for some time. We are an emergency service. This guy:not so much an emergency.

CAROLYN: Well,what am I supposed to do? Carry him to the hospital over my shoulder?

PARAMEDIC: Ma’am,you need to contact the coroner’s office. They’ll send out a vehicle.

CAROLYN: When?

PARAMEDIC: Idunno. When they can. You just give them a call tomorrow morning. See when theycan do.

CAROLYN: Tomorrowmorning?

PARAMEDIC: Yeah.They’ll be all closed up now.

CAROLYN: So whatare we supposed to do? Just leave him here until they’re ready for him?

PARAMEDIC:Absolutely not!

CAROLYN: Good!

PARAMEDIC: You’regonna need to remain in attendance.

CAROLYN: What?What – w–w–we can’t! We can’t!

MARTIN: Just onemoment if you please.

CAROLYN: Martin,don’t.

PARAMEDIC: Sir?

MARTIN: Madam, Idon’t think you appreciate that I am the captain of this aircraft, not her.

PARAMEDIC: Yeah.And?

MARTIN: And – and– I just saw him move.

PARAMEDIC: No, youdidn’t.

MARTIN: Iabsolutely did.

PARAMEDIC: Thisman’s been dead for some time, sir.

MARTIN: I don’tthink so. I am telling you, I just saw him move.

PARAMEDIC: Whatmovement did he make?

MARTIN: He did alittle wave.

PARAMEDIC: I don’tthink so.

MARTIN: Well, I dothink so. And I am an airline captain, the commander of this vessel, and I amwilling to swear anywhere that he absolutely did. He gave me a little wave, andthen he pointed at you, and then he tapped his watch as if to say, “Why aren’t Iin the hospital already?,” and then he relapsed into his unconscious state. So,it seems to me you can either refuse to take him, and I can while away thehours I spent waiting with him filing a complaint against you for negligence,which will tie us all up in endless red tape, until I eventually agree thatmaybe what I saw was just rigor mortis. Or, you can take him with you now, inyour big empty ambulance, to the hospital, to which you are going anyway, andwe can all hope and pray he doesn’t die on the way.

PARAMEDIC: Okay.Lucas, patient seen exhibiting vital signs. Get him on the gurney!

MARTIN: Thank youso much.

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CAROLYN: Where ishe?

DOUGLAS: Well, iflast night’s anything to go by, he’s telling the whole story to every thirdperson he meets. It slows him down a tad.

ARTHUR: Whilewe’re waiting, can I just have a quick look in duty free?

CAROLYN: No,Arthur, you do not need any more Toblerones.

ARTHUR: Mum!They’ve got the white ones!

MARTIN: Ah hah,there you all are! Good morning, good morning, good morning, good morning.

DOUGLAS: Goodmorning, Martin! Still feeling pretty chipper, I see.

MARTIN: Andwhyever not? Twelve hours restful rest, a beautiful blue sky to fly in, and acertain sense of a job rather well done.

CAROLYN: Yes, Martin,we’re all delighted by your newfound butchness. Now can we please just getthrough customs and go home?

CUSTOMS OFFICER:Is this your bag, sir?

MARTIN: Yes, yes.I’m sorry, Carolyn, do I detect a note of tetchiness? Surely, you haven’talready forgotten how I single-handedly saved you from losing out on a tripworth tens of thousands of pounds?

CUSTOMS OFFICER:I’m just gonna take a look through it.

MARTIN: Yeah,fine.

[Luggage unzipped]

CAROLYN: Not yet,you haven’t. We’ve still got to get back on time.

MARTIN: Youneedn’t to worry about that, Carolyn. Clear skies, no wind, no pesky passengersto peg out midway. Istanbul awaits us. As indeed do the good people of easyJet– await me anyway.

CUSTOMS OFFICER:What’s this?

MARTIN: What?

CUSTOMS OFFICER:What’s this?

[Electric buzz]

MARTIN: Well,since you ask, it’s a nose hair clipper. Okay?

CUSTOMS OFFICER:It can’t go in your hand luggage. You need to put it in the hold.

MARTIN: [laughs]But they’re nasal clippers. What am I supposed to do with nasal clippers?

CUSTOMS OFFICER:I’m sorry, sir, that’s federal law.

MARTIN: [laughsagain] You do realize we have an axe on the flight deck, don’t you?

CUSTOMS OFFICER:What?

DOUGLAS: Ofcourse, Captain, there is a time and a place for the strong-arm tactic –

MARTIN: We have afire axe. So you’re stopping me from equipping myself with the deadly power ofthe nose hairs’ trimmer on board a plane where I can, should the mood take me,brandish an axe.

CUSTOMS OFFICER: Iam not sure what you are telling me, sir.

DOUGLAS: He’s nottelling you anything. He doesn’t want his silly old clippers anyway, repulsiveobject. Come on, Martin, before you say anything you might –

MARTIN:[interrupting] And besides that, I’m the one flying the bloody thing. If I wantto crash the plane, I don’t even need an axe. I just need to push on the bigmetal column in front of me – Agh!

[Thud heard asCUSTOMS OFFICER tackles MARTIN]

DOUGLAS: And thereit is.

CUSTOMS OFFICER:Sir, I am arresting you under Section Six of the Antiterrorism Act of 2002.

MARTIN: What?

CUSTOMS OFFICER:You were heard in the presence of witnesses to make a threat against the safetyof the aircraft. Please come with me, [MARTIN grunts] sir!

CAROLYN: Youidiot, Martin! You colossal idiot!

MARTIN: But – butI’ve got to fly the plane in forty minutes!

CUSTOMS OFFICER:Oh no, sir, I don’t think so. Come with me! Please!

[Sounds ofstruggle as CUSTOMS OFFICER drags MARTIN away]

CAROLYN: Comeback! Come ba – bring him back!

[Footsteps as CAROLYNgives chase]

DOUGLAS: So,Arthur, shall we take a look at those Toblerones?

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