S5-2

CabinPressure Transcript: 5.02 Zurich Part 2

ARTHUR: Hi, Tiffy, it’s me! Look, I’m really sorry but I might be a bitlate to watch you do your horse dressing. ... Er, dressage, yeah, yeah. ... No,no, I’d love to. It’s just that I have to drive an ice cream van full of pilotsto a scrap yard. ... No, literally. ... Well, it’s a long story. ... Oh,wouldyou?Great! Well, it started when Skip – um, you remember Skip? Martin? One of mypilots? The captain. ... No, the other one. ... Well, theybothhavehats, but ... Yeah, that’s him. Er, yeah, anyway, Skip got offered this greatjob at Swiss Airways but he explained to us he wasn’t gonna take it so MJNcould stay together. Except then Mum explained to him that actually hewasgoing to take it and you can’t expect a fairytale ending but that we’d all befine, even me. Er, oh! And that was when Skip gave me his van! And I boughtsome amazing brake pads and a thousand ice lollies and painted Goofy on it andnow I’m an ice cream man guy! Er, but that’s not the main thing. The main thingis that then we had to sell GERTI. So we took her to auction but no-one wouldbuy her except a scrap metal guy. Except then my dad, who used to own her,turned up and bid a quarter of a million pounds! ... Well, yeah,kindofgreat, only I sort of maybe thought it would be a good idea if hedidn’tbuy her, so I bid ten million pounds. ... No, you’re quite right. I don’t. No,Mum spotted that as well. Yeah, but luckily, she persuaded the scrap metal guyto buy GERTI after all! Except then, Douglas came back from talking to Dad andsaid it was really important we buy her back again! So we’re doing that now!Douglas is phoning the scrap metal guy and then I’m gonna drive him, Martin andTheresa to rescue GERTI before Dad gets her.
(He pauses, panting for breath.)
ARTHUR: Theresa? Er, she’s the princess of Liechtenstein. ... No, stillliterally. ... Ah, well, that’s a long story as well. You see, it began whenMum and Herc ... Yeah, no, no, good point, Tiffy. I’ve probably told youenough.

DOUGLAS: Okay, he’ll take twelve thousand for cash.
CAROLYN: Twelve thousand?! He only paid ...
DOUGLAS: Speculate to accumulate, Carolyn. But we’ll have to meet him athis airfield. When’s Herc getting here?
CAROLYN: Half an hour.
DOUGLAS: Okay. Then you wait for him here, Carolyn. We’ll have to go in ...
MARTIN: Oh, no.
THERESA: In what?
(Sound of a van approaching and the horn being blown as it pulls up.)
ARTHUR: Okay, guys, get in!
THERESA: Oh! The Nachzehrer!
MARTIN: The what?
THERESA: Oh, that’s the monster that eats children, from the old folktale. Why is it on your van?
ARTHUR: It’s Goofy!
DOUGLAS: All right, come on, get in.
(Doors open.)
ARTHUR: Oh, hang on, there’s only room for three.
DOUGLAS: Martin, you’ll have to get in the back.
MARTIN: I can’t ride in the back!
DOUGLAS: What – because you’re the captain?
MARTIN: No – because I get travel sick if I can’t see out.Youride in the back.
DOUGLAS:I’mnot riding in the back! I’m masterminding the plan!
MARTIN: You can do that from the back!
DOUGLAS: No I can’t!
MARTIN: Yes you can!
ARTHUR:I’llgo in the back. Sounds fun!
DOUGLAS and CAROLYN (simultaneously): You’re driving!
THERESA: Would it help you boys ifIrode in the back?
MARTIN: Oh, oh. Well, I mean, if you, if you really don’t mind.
DOUGLAS: It’s terribly good of you.
THERESA (laughing): For sure!
(Back door opens and closes.)
DOUGLAS: Okay, Arthur, first we need to go to my bank.
MARTIN: Douglas, wait. You-you really think GERTI’s valuable?
DOUGLAS: I’msureof it.
MARTIN: But howcanshe be? If there was anything hidden on her,we’d have found it long ago.
DOUGLAS: Not necessarily. It might be really tiny. Diamonds, forinstance.
(Banging on the wall between the front and rear of the van.)
MARTIN (loudly): Yes, Theresa?
THERESA (muffled): But you said in St Petersburg that time, Gordonand his engineers had GERTI all to themselves for hours and hours. If it wassomething small, why didn’t he take it then?
DOUGLAS: Ah. Actually hadn’t thought of that.
MARTIN: So it can’t be anything small or he’d have taken it, and itcan’t be anything big or we’d have found it.
ARTHUR: What if it’s somethingsobig you can’t see it?
DOUGLAS: Like?
ARTHUR: The Great Wall of China.
DOUGLAS (slowly): The Great Wall of China.
ARTHUR: Yeah. You know, famously the Great Wall of China issobig, you can only see it from space.
MARTIN: N-no, Arthur.
DOUGLAS: Er, what you’ve done there, Arthur, is you’ve taken a factthat’s famously wrong, and you’ve got it wrong.
ARTHUR: Oh, right.
DOUGLAS: And yet, in doing so, you haven’t made it right ...
MARTIN and ARTHUR (simultaneously): Yellow car.
DOUGLAS: Impressive, even for you!
ARTHUR: You mean you can’t see it from space?
MARTIN: No, but youcansee it from the ground. It’s thousands ofmiles long.
ARTHUR: Then why can’t you see it from space?
MARTIN: Because it’s only a few feet wide.
ARTHUR: Huh?
MARTIN: Look, it’s very big along, but very small across, so ...
DOUGLAS: Arthur, there’s the bank.
ARTHUR: Oh!
(Screech of brakes. Theresa cries out.)
ARTHUR: Sorry, Theresa! New brake pads. Are you all right?
THERESA (painfully): Yes, fine!
DOUGLAS: Right, I’ll be as quick as I can. Wait here.
(Door opens. Footsteps recede. Martin blows out a breath.)
ARTHUR: Ooh, I know. Um, maybe the fuel tank is full of fine wines.
MARTIN (slowly): The fuel tank is full offuel.
ARTHUR: Oh.
(There’s a tap on the window. The window is lowered.)
ARTHUR: Oh, hello.
POLICE OFFICER: Is this your van, sir?
ARTHUR: Yeah. Isn’t it great?
MARTIN: Erm, is there a problem, Officer?
POLICE OFFICER: I hope not. But when three men in a van emergency-brakein front of a bank and one runs in while the others wait ...
MARTIN: Ah. Yes. No, no, no, I’m so sorry, but ...
POLICE OFFICER: And when the van has some sort of demon ...
ARTHUR: It’s not a demon! It’s Goofy!
POLICE OFFICER: I see. Would you mind telling me what you’ve got in theback, sir?
ARTHUR: Oh yeah, of course.
MARTIN: Arthur ...
ARTHUR: A thousand strawberry lollies and the princess of Liechtenstein.
POLICE OFFICER: All right, everybody out.

(A car approaches and comes to a stop.)
HERC: Carolyn! Hello!
(He honks the horn.)
CAROLYN: Wherewereyou? You’re late. I’ve been waiting ages.
(She gets into the car.)
HERC: I am in fact ten minutes early.
CAROLYN: Well, nevertheless.
HERC: No,not‘nevertheless’. You’re thinking of, ‘Oh, of course!I do apologise, Herc. How silly of me.’
CAROLYN: I am never ever thinking that.
HERC: So I have discovered. Well, how did you get on?
CAROLYN: Er, there were ups and downs.
HERC: Did anyone bid on her?
CAROLYN: Oh yes, very much so. In fact I cannot off-hand think of anyonewho didnotbid on her.
HERC: So you sold her.
CAROLYN: Yes.
HERC: Wonderful!
CAROLYN: ... and no.
HERC: All right, here’s an idea: why don’t you just tell me whathappened?
(A mobile phone ringtone sounds (‘Questa o quella’ from Verdi’s Rigoletto),then there’s a beep as the phone is answered.)
CAROLYN: Theresa? ... Pick you up? From where? ... Why have they leftyou there? ... Well, why were you in the back?

(In the van)
DOUGLAS: Arthur, this is it. Turn in here. ... No, stop, quickly!
ARTHUR: That I can do.
(Screech of brakes. Cries of pain from some of the passengers.)
DOUGLAS: Martin, get out.
MARTIN: What? Why?
DOUGLAS: You were the one bidding against him, and I don’t want himremembering you.
MARTIN: Oh, he barely saw my face.
DOUGLAS: Out!
(Grumbling, Martin gets out.)
DOUGLAS: Sorry. Can’t take the chance.
(The van drives on.)
ARTHUR: Wow.
DOUGLAS: Mmm. It’s quite a sight, isn’t it?
ARTHUR: Yeah. It’s like an elephants’ graveyard.
DOUGLAS: Yes.
ARTHUR: But with aeroplanes. I don’t like it. Why do none of them havewings?
DOUGLAS: Where they’re going, they don’t need wings.
(The van pulls up.)
DOUGLAS: Oh, I think that’s him – the guy with the dogs.
(The dogs bark as the boys get out of the van.)
BRUCE: Er, can I help you?
ARTHUR: Wow, what big dogs!
BRUCE: Don’t mind them.
ARTHUR: Are they friendly?
BRUCE: No. Just don’t mind them. Who are ye?
DOUGLAS: I ...
ARTHUR (talking over him): We’re the guys who rang about buyingthe plane.
BRUCE: Oh, aye. Which ones?
ARTHUR: Which ones? What d’you mean?
BRUCE: Well, I had two offers on her before I’d even landed the thing!There was a posh guy, somebody Richardson, offered me twelve grand, and then anAussie ten minutes later offered me fourteen. Which are you?
ARTHUR: Oh, I’m just Arthur, but this is ...
DOUGLAS (in an Australian accent): Gordon Shappey. It’s good tomeet you.
(Arthur makes vague confused noises.)
DOUGLAS (Australian accent): This is my boy Arthur. You’ll haveto excuse him. He’s very shy, doesn’t talk much.
BRUCE: Really? Seems like he talks a lot.
DOUGLAS (Australian accent): No, it often takes him like that.He’s all talkative when he first meets someone, and then suddenly he clams upand ...(pointedly)... he doesn’t say a word. Which means I have to doall the talking for him. It’s a chore, but there you go. So, this plane, then:you had a couple of us interested in it, then?
BRUCE: Yeah. I told you that on the phone.
DOUGLAS (Australian accent): Youdid. You certainlydidand I’m just, er, repeating it now conversationally. Well, just as well we gotin second, then. I’ve got the cash right here and, er ...
BRUCE: Okay. Have you got any ID?
DOUGLAS (Australian accent): Oh. Er ... look at that. I left itin my hotel.
BRUCE: Then off you go and get it, and she’s all yours.
DOUGLAS (Australian accent): Hmm. Thing is, though, the hotel’s away away.
BRUCE: Sooner you go, sooner you’ll be back.
DOUGLAS (Australian accent): ... Right.
ARTHUR (slowly): It’s all right, though ... Dad.
DOUGLAS (normal accent): Arthur ...
ARTHUR (slowly): ... because I’ve gotmyID.
DOUGLAS: Arthur, Code Red.
ARTHUR: No! Not Code Red! Listen: because if you’re Gordon Shappey, andI’m your son ... which I am, and ... oh, no! Er, wait! Um ...
(He breaks into his mangled Australian accent.)
ARTHUR (Australian-ish accent): ... what I’m tryin’a say is this:I’ve gotmydroiving licence roight here, sport. Er, here’s my name onit, er, ‘Arthur Gordon Shippee’ and if I say that he’s m’dad, surely ...
DOUGLAS (Australian accent): Oh yeah! Er, there you go, then,that’s my son’s ID and he vouches for me. That do you?
BRUCE: Yeah, fine. Er, why is he talking like that, though?
ARTHUR (Australian-ish accent): Like what?
BRUCE: I don’t know – all weird.
ARTHUR (Australian-ish accent): Now, look here, Bruce. Thishere’s my accint, Bruce, and if you don’t like it, you can ...
DOUGLAS (Australian accent): Ah, don’t mind him. He likes totease his old dad.
BRUCE: Oh, I see.
ARTHUR (quietly, normal accent): What?
DOUGLAS (quietly, normal accent):DefinitelyCode Red now.
ARTHUR: Okay.
DOUGLAS (Australian accent): Okay, so we ’ave the money in cash.Er, if you ...
BRUCE: Yeah, well, obviously I’m gonna have to wait for this Richardsonbloke to turn up.
DOUGLAS (Australian accent): What?
BRUCE: Well, he might make me a better offer.
DOUGLAS (normal accent): Bet he doesn’t.(Australian accent)I mean, er, we’re right here and, er ...
(Sound of approaching running footsteps.)
BRUCE: Well, it looks like he’s here too.
(Footsteps stop.)
MARTIN: I know you said to wait, but Carolyn’s just phoned. Gordon’s ...
DOUGLAS (interrupting in his Australian accent): That’s right.Gordon. That’sme. You remember my name.
MARTIN: Eh?
DOUGLAS (Australian accent): Itisyou, isn’t it ...(pointedly)... Douglas Richardson? We’ve met once or twice before. My name – as yousaid– is Gordon Shappey, and I’m afraid,Douglas, that I outbid you on thatLM3-12.
BRUCE: Ah, yeah, hi, and I’m Bruce Fraser.
DOUGLAS (Australian accent): Oh, how rude of me. Bruce, this isDouglas Richardson. Douglas, this is Bruce.
MARTIN: Er, right! Yes, well ...
DOUGLAS (Australian accent): ... to whom, of course, you havealready spoken on the phone.
MARTIN (deepening his voice and trying to sound like Douglas): Ofcourse. Howterriblynice to meet you.
BRUCE: Yeah, sorry about this. This guy called ten minutes after you. Heoffered me fourteen grand.
MARTIN (Douglas voice): Oh, howterriblydisappointing.Drat my luck. Oh well, never mind.
BRUCE: Er, but, you know, if, er, you wanna make me a better offer, I’mlistenin’.
MARTIN (Douglas voice): Oh, well, let me think. ... No, I ratherthink not. I, Douglas Richardson, have been bestedyet again. What aloser I am.
DOUGLAS (Australian accent): Don’t be too hard on yourself.
MARTIN (Douglas voice): No, really, I am. I’m an absolute ...
DOUGLAS (Australian accent, interrupting): Anyway, I suppose weshould get moving, just in casesomeone elseturns up and tries to buyher.
(He laughs heartily, if somewhat falsely.)
MARTIN (normal voice): Oh God, yeah! Er, I mean ...
(He joins in with Douglas’ false laughter.)
DOUGLAS (Australian accent): So, here we are: twelve thousandpounds.
BRUCE: Er, no, no, no. That’s whatheoffered. You offeredfourteen.
DOUGLAS (Australian accent): Ah, yes, but, y-you know, for cash...
BRUCE: No, it’s fourteen thousand, or this guy can have it.
DOUGLAS (Australian accent): Right. Er, Mr. Richardson, I don’tsuppose you could lend me two thousand ...
MARTIN (Douglas voice): As your business rival, I think thatwould be a trifle eccentric of me, don’t you?
DOUGLAS (Australian accent): Okay. Then I’ll just nip back intotown and get the rest of the cash.
MARTIN (drifting a little back into his own voice): I’d besurprised if you had time, though, do you, Mr. Shappey?
DOUGLAS (Australian accent): Then what do you suggest, Mr.Richardson?
MARTIN (varying between his own and Douglas’ voice): Oh, well,it’s none of my business, obviously, but since you ask, I suppose you couldalways throw in your van.
DOUGLAS (Australian accent): Your van?
ARTHUR: My van?
MARTIN (Douglas voice): No –yourvan, this one here.
(He pats the van.)
DOUGLAS (Australian accent): Ah well, if you’re sure ...
MARTIN (Douglas voice): Nothing to do with me.
BRUCE: Yeah, well, sorry, but there’s no way that van’s worth twothousand quid. Nice Goofy, though.
ARTHUR:Thankyou!
MARTIN (Douglas voice): Are yousure, though? Even to aparts and spares man, because those look to me like brand new, top of the rangecarbon fibre brake pads.
BRUCE: Bloody hell! Theyare! Why’ve you put those on an oldbanger like this?
DOUGLAS (Australian accent): My son thought it would be aninvestment; and so – to be fair – itwas.

(In the Mercedes)
CAROLYN: You’re very quiet.
HERC: I was just taking in the plan. I am right in thinking it’sentirely based on finding buried treasure? I’m not missing a subtlety?
CAROLYN: No, no, I know how it sounds but Douglas wasveryconvincing.
HERC: Yeah, all right. Supposing he’s right and thereisafortune on GERTI somewhere. What will you do with it?
CAROLYN: Well, re-start MJN, of course.
HERC: Of course.
CAROLYN: I’m sorry, Herc, but I really don’t want to move to Zurich, andI can hardly ask you to move back to Britain.
HERC: Why not?
CAROLYN: Well, whywouldyou? And don’t say, ‘Because I loveyou.’
HERC: I won’t say it, but I shall think it really quite loudly.
CAROLYN: Herc!
HERC: Why do you hate me saying it so much?
CAROLYN: I don’thateit so much any more but ... well, you dosay it easily, Herc, to each of your four previous wives, for instance, andLord knows how many girlfriends. What’s different this time?
HERC: Well, for instance, the colour of your hair.
CAROLYN: My what?
HERC: Your hair is white.
CAROLYN (dangerously): It is.
HERC: Would you care to guess how many of my four wives and – as you areright to imagine – countless girlfriends have had white hair? I’ll give you aclue: it’s none. A preponderance of brunettes, some blondes, the odd redhead,but you are absolutely the first whitehead.
CAROLYN: What a novel way you’ve chosen to end our relationship.
HERC: My point is that you are not remotely my type – and you’re right,you are not the first woman I’ve loved. But you are – to my complete surpriseand frankly, at first, dismay – the first woman I’ve ever fallen in love with... you know, like a teenager. It was on our second date – Rigoletto. It wasn’tthe look of pure rapture on your face; it was the look of bored contempt youassumed when you saw me looking.
CAROLYN: Oh, Herc.
HERC: But I didn’t decide to marry you until the day you flew to Irelandto buy me a stuffed sheep just because you knew how much I would detest it.
CAROLYN:No-onedecides to marry me.Idecide to marrythem.
HERC: Of course. And do you so decide?

(In GERTI’s flight deck.)
MARTIN: After-take-off checks complete.
DOUGLAS: Thank you, Captain. Arthur, you can talk again.
ARTHUR (bursting with excitement): It wassoamazing! Youwere amazing, Douglas! And thenyouwere amazing, Skip! And then I was...
DOUGLAS: And you too, Arthur! Don’t forget the thing with the ID –youwere amazing!
ARTHUR: I know! I was just being modest! And my Australian accent savedthe day!
MARTIN: You-you-you didn’t actually need to do the accent.
DOUGLAS: And indeed youdidn’tactually do the accent.
ARTHUR (pointedly): Itsavedthe day.
MARTIN: Well, assuming that Douglas is right and GERTIisworthuntold riches for some reason – which, now I put it like that, seems pretty unlikely...
DOUGLAS: Ah, but if you just stop after ‘Assuming that Douglas isright,’ it sounds far more plausible. As soon as we land in Fitton, we’llsearch every inch of her.
ARTHUR: Ooh, I’ll start now. Don’t worry, Skip – Douglas always savesus! Like remembering the brake pads.
MARTIN: That wasme!
ARTHUR: Well, yeah, but you were being Douglas. See you!
(He leaves the flight deck.)
DOUGLAS: That’s true, actually, Martin. That was very quick thinking.
MARTIN: Itwaspretty good, wasn’t it?
DOUGLAS: Absolutely. You were calm, decisive, resourceful.
MARTIN: Yes, I suppose I was. It was easier, somehow, when I was, I waspretending to be you.
DOUGLAS: Well, there’s nothing to stop you doing that, you know. I don’thave a copyright on this shtick. Well, I do inthisflight deck, but I’mprepared to license it for use in other countries – Switzerland, for instance.
MARTIN: Yes, but I can hardly spend the rest of my career pretending tobe you.
DOUGLAS: Well, technically you’d be pretending to be Rory.
MARTIN: Who’s Rory?
DOUGLAS: Old EOAC captain I flew with when I started out. That’s whereIgot it from.
MARTIN: You mean you’ve just been imitating Rory all this time?
DOUGLAS: No, no – only the first couple of years. Then it just becomespart of who you are. That’s why you have to pick your model carefully. You, ofcourse, have pickedterriblywell.
(Martin chuckles. The radio is turned on.)
DOUGLAS: Fitton Approach.
KARL: Yeah? Continue transmission.
DOUGLAS (sing-song): Guess who?
(Karl cheers.)
KARL: GERTI!(Mock-tearfully)Back safe from the vet’s.
DOUGLAS: With a waggly tail and a cold wet nose.
MARTIN: Both those things are reallybadfor an aeroplane.
DOUGLAS: Still, we work with what we’re given.

(Sounds of rummaging. Cabin door opens.)
ARTHUR: Hi, Douglas.
MARTIN: Any luck?
DOUGLAS: No. Whatever it is, it’s definitelynotin the cabin.
ARTHUR: Oh. Ooh, have you looked under the seats?
DOUGLAS:Yes, Arthur.
ARTHUR: What about the overhead lockers?
DOUGLAS: I’ve looked everywhere I can think of, Arthur. Shall we justassume that includes everywhereyoucan think of?
ARTHUR: Right-o.
MARTIN: Well, I’ve checked the hold, the undercarriage, the wiringchannels, the avionics bay, the tanks, the engines ... Nothing.
DOUGLAS: Well, it’s got to besomewhere.
(A car horn sounds.)
ARTHUR: Oh, er, that’ll be Mum and Herc.
(Cabin door opens. Footsteps on the steps.)
ARTHUR: Hi, guys. Look, we got her back and ...(high-pitched)... oh!
GORDON: Hello, Arthur.
ARTHUR (high-pitched and nervous): Oh, right, Dad, here. Okay,hi. I’ll go and get the others.
GORDON: Er, no, no, no. No need for that.
ARTHUR: No, no, of course not. Silly. Stupid. Sorry. Um ... I tell youwhat, shall I just get them anyway, so ...
GORDON (sternly): No.(More gently)No, can’t we just havea nice little chat, father and son?
ARTHUR: Well, I suppose wecould. We just neverhave.
GORDON: No. Now, listen, Arthur. I just wanted to make sure youunderstood what your mum did for you at the auction today.
ARTHUR: Yes. She stopped you from getting GERTI.
GORDON: That’s right. She turned down a quarter of a million pounds foryour sake. Now she’s in debt, her business just folded, but she turned down allthat money to please you. Do you really think that’s fair?
ARTHUR: I-I didn’t ...
GORDON: I’d hate it if, later on, she started resenting you for it.
ARTHUR (nervously): Douglas says you’ve hidden something valuableon GERTI.
GORDON (chuckling): Oh dear, oh dear. Now-now listen, son.Douglas is a cheap swindler, so he assumes everybody else is. No, there’snothing hidden on her.
ARTHUR: She’s not valuable?
GORDON: Not at all.
ARTHUR: You promise?
GORDON: Cross my heart and hope to die ...
ARTHUR and GORDON (simultaneously): Terrapins tickle me ifI lie.
ARTHUR: So youdowant her just to get back at Mum?
GORDON: No, no, of course not! Look, I’ll tell you the real reason.
ARTHUR: Okay.
GORDON: It’s her registration, GERTI. You see, that was my mother’sname: Gertrude. Everyone called her Gertie. And when she died, I bought thisplane in her memory. That’s why I didn’t want your mum to have her. She’s allI’ve got left of my own mum. So what d’you say, son? Can I have her back?
(Arthur sighs shakily.)
ARTHUR: Oh. I suppose, if it’s really ... Wait a minute. Your mum’s namewas Maud!
GORDON: Yeah, dammit, I forgot you’d met her.
ARTHUR (loudly): She was my gran!(Shouting)Douglas!Martin!
GORDON: No, no, no, no, don’t do that!
ARTHUR (loudly): You said you weren’t lying! You said, ‘Terrapinstickle me’!
(Cabin door opens.)
MARTIN: What is it, Arthur? Oh.
DOUGLAS: Ah, notyouagain.
ARTHUR: There’sdefinitelysomething hidden on GERTI!
GORDON: No, no, no, you don’t know ...
ARTHUR: Yes I do! You said there wasn’t and you were lying. And nowDouglas is gonna do something clever and find it!
DOUGLAS: Yes, thank you for the build-up, Arthur, but I’m not sure ...
ARTHUR: Oh, comeon, Douglas! Just find it!
DOUGLAS:Didyou hide something on the plane, Gordon?
GORDON (before he even finishes the question): No.
DOUGLAS: Too fast. Youdid, didn’t you?
GORDON: No. I’m not a smuggler.
DOUGLAS: That’s true. So why else might you hide something? What wasgoing on back then? You were getting divorced, of course ... Oh. Or did yoususpect you weregoingto get divorced ...
GORDON: No!
DOUGLAS: ... because if youdid, then suppose you could make yourplane a lot more valuable than it looked? Then, come the divorce, you could letCarolyn take the house and the car and - indeed – the son, so long as you gotthe plane.
GORDON: No, if I’d done that, even you clowns would have found it bynow.
DOUGLAS: Not if it was too small for us to find.
GORDON: Well, then I’d have taken it in St Petersburg.
DOUGLAS: Yes. So, it must be something that’s somehow bigandsmall at the same time. What’s big and small at the same time?
ARTHUR: The Great Wall of China!
DOUGLAS: Ooh! Ofcourse!
ARTHUR: Ah, finally. About time.
DOUGLAS: Thank you, Arthur! Look!
(Sound of a panel being opened.)
DOUGLAS: The wiring channels.
MARTIN: The wiring channels? I told you: I searched them. There’snothing there.
DOUGLAS: Yes there is. There’s the Great Wall of China!
MARTIN: What are you talking about?
DOUGLAS: Big and small at the same time. Very very long, but very verynarrow. Just like ...
(Sound of the wiring being wrenched out.)
DOUGLAS: ... these!
MARTIN: Some wires?
DOUGLAS: Notsomewires;allthe wires. Think of all thewiring on GERTI. Every instrument, every light, every generator – all connectedfrom nose to tail, from wing-tip to wing-tip with miles and miles of electricalwiring.
MARTIN: But the wires have to be copper.
DOUGLAS: No. They have to conduct electricity. And what conductselectricity even better than copper but looks ...(sound of him strippingthe wire)... likethis?
MARTIN (awestruck):Gold.
GORDON: Oh, spit.
CAROLYN (approaching): We’re back at last. We ... Gordon? What’sgoing on?
ARTHUR: Hi, Mum, Herc, Theresa! Dad dropped in. He’s off now, probably.Oh, and you know you said we couldn’t expect a fairytale ending?
CAROLYN: Yes.
ARTHUR: It turns out GERTI’s partly made of gold.
CAROLYN: Is she indeed?
DOUGLAS: Ah, hi, Carolyn. Yes, it turns out that just as Arthur kept hisexpensive brake pads wrapped up in a cheap van, his father kept his hoard ofgold looped up and down a cheap aeroplane.
THERESA: But, Douglas, gold’s much heavier than copper.
DOUGLAS: Indeed.
MARTIN: Yes! So if you replaced all the copper with gold, surely theaircraft would become sluggish.
DOUGLAS: True.
MARTIN: Unresponsive.
DOUGLAS: Doubtless.
MARTIN: I mean, just generally very difficult to fly ... Oh myGod!!All this time I thought I was a lousy pilot, I was flying a notoriously hardplane to fly! Which had been deliberately made harder to fly by ...
DOUGLAS: ... being partly made of gold!
CAROLYN: And all this time I was constantly at my wits’ end how to avoidbeing bankrupted by a plane ...
DOUGLAS: ... that was partly made of gold!
ARTHUR: And every time I brought you coffee ...
DOUGLAS: Yes?
ARTHUR: ... there was gold in the plane!
DOUGLAS: Yes! Though I’m not sure I catch the irony.
ARTHUR: I thought we were just saying things we did in the plane.
GORDON: All right, all right. Look, I-I’ll give you a deal.
CAROLYN: Gordon, I’ve said it before and I expect never ever to have tosay it again.Get off Our Jet STILL.

MARTIN: Are you sure, Theresa?
THERESA: Of course. It’s completely your decision.
(Portacabin door opens.)
CAROLYN: Well, the nice man at the brokerage has given me an estimate onthe gold.
DOUGLAS: And?
CAROLYN: Put it this way: there shall be buns for tea. A really verylarge number of absolutely top-quality buns. For instance, Martin, if youinsist on hanging around here where you’re not wanted, I find I am in aposition to match your starting salary at Swiss Airways.
MARTIN: Yes – or, I was thinking, now MJN is safe, you could use that tohire another captain.
CAROLYN: Oh, what an excellent decision, Martin.
ARTHUR: Are you going to Zurich, then, Skip?
MARTIN: I think so, Arthur. You understand, don’t you?
ARTHUR: Of course I do. You’re Mowgli.
MARTIN: Who?
ARTHUR: You’ve got to go to the human village, which is Zurich, with thegirl with the water on her head, who’s Theresa, leaving behind Bagheera, who’sMum, and Baloo ...
DOUGLAS: No-one is Baloo.
ARTHUR:Iwanted to be Baloo.
DOUGLAS: Oh, fine! You’re Baloo.
ARTHUR: Brilliant.
CAROLYN: I shall advertise for a new pilot in the morning.
HERC: Well, given our recent discussion, Carolyn, and assuming youhaven’t revised your opinion about stupid Zurich and its stupid clocks, Isuppose I should be looking for a job in this country.
CAROLYN: But Herc, I can’t possibly match your salary, not even close!
HERC: No, no, but as discussed, I love you, and will do anything to bewith you, so you have me rather over a barrel there. Besides, you can’t put aprice on the fun I shall have being Douglas’ captain.
DOUGLAS: Oh, God.
CAROLYN: Herc.
HERC: Yes?
CAROLYN: I love you, Herc; butDouglaswill be captain.

(In a flight deck.)
BING!
MARTIN: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. My name is First OfficerMartin Crieff, and it is my very great pleasure, on behalf of Captain Loutreand myself, to welcome you aboard this short Swiss Airways flight from Lyon toZurich.
(Slight pause.)
MARTIN (in a perfect French accent): Bonsoir, mesdames etmessieurs. Je suis le Premier Officier, Martin du Creff ...

(In GERTI’s flight deck.)
DOUGLAS: Okay: People Who Ought To Have Been Arch Enemies.
HERC: Ah! Donna Summer and Anna Wintour.
DOUGLAS: Very good! Vivienne Westwood and Clint Eastwood.
(Flight deck door opens.)
CAROLYN: Drivers. Now look: Arthur made them, but he’s busy in thegalley. This does not count as me bringing you coffee.
(Sound of her putting the mugs down.)
DOUGLAS: Thank you, Mrs. Ship...
CAROLYN (interrupting): Don’t you dare.
HERC: Wayne Sleep and Rick Wakeman.
DOUGLAS: Yes!
CAROLYN: What’s this?
DOUGLAS: Arch Enemies.
CAROLYN: Oh! Erm ... Ruby Wax and John Wayne.
DOUGLAS: Excellent!
CAROLYN: Naturally.
(Flight deck door closes.)
DOUGLAS (into radio): Colombo Centre, good evening, this is GolfTango India from OJS Air, joining you flight level three one zero, destinationAddis Ababa.
AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL (over radio): Roger, Golf Tango India.Maintain three one zero, turn right, heading two seven zero.
(GERTI’s engines change pitch briefly.)
DOUGLAS: Oh, rats.
HERC: What?
DOUGLAS: Well, look. Flying due west at seven p.m. We’ll have the sun inour eyes the whole way. Ihateflying into the sunset.
HERC: Oh dear. Long trip, too. Tell you what: I know another game that’srather fun on passenger flights. What you do is get a piece of fruit orsomething, then you take turns hiding ...
DOUGLAS: Yes, yes. I believe I know that one, actually.
HERC: Shall we do that, then? It does pass the time.
DOUGLAS: Why not?
(Intercom on.)
DOUGLAS: Arthur?
ARTHUR (over intercom): Yes, Skip?
DOUGLAS: The lemon is in play.
ARTHUR:Brilliant!