提名六项奥斯卡的《婚姻故事》：婚姻不能只有爱

前段时间提名了六项奥斯卡的电影《婚姻故事》很火，不知道你们去看了没有。

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A stage director Charlie and his actress wife Nicole are struggling through a divorce.

斯嘉丽饰演的女主Nicole说，"It's not as simple as not being in love anymore."

离婚并不只是我们不爱彼此了那么简单。相反，他们其实仍爱着对方。

So when Nicole was asked to describe her husband, she says, 

I fell in love with him just two seconds after I met him. And I will never stop loving him. Even though it doesn’t make sense anymore. 

Nicole回忆说自己当初对Charlie一见钟情，只花了两秒钟就爱上了他。而且永远不会停止爱他，尽管现在已经没有意义了。

而Charlie也是被动离婚，他一开始接到离婚通知书很惊讶，以为是开玩笑。

他们之间最大的问题，不是不够爱，而是不会沟通。

当Nicole被调解员要求描述她的丈夫，她说：

He cries easily in movies. He’s very self-sufficient. He can darn a sock, and cook himself dinner, and iron a shirt. He rarely gets defeated, which I feel like I always do. Charlie takes all of my moods steadily. He doesn’t give in to them, or make me feel bad about them...He’s very competitive. He loves being a dad. He loves all the things you’re supposed to hate, like the tantrums, the waking up at night. It’s almost annoying how much he likes it, but then it’s mostly nice...He disappears into his own world.

What I love about Charlie. Charlie is undaunted. He never lets other people’s opinions, or any setbacks keep him from what he wants to do. 

她说了很多小细节，能看出他们十年的婚姻让彼此对彼此都很熟悉。但Nicole喜欢的Charlie身上的点，像他从来不让别人的观点影响自己的判断，他永远不被打倒，永远淡定，当Nicole向他吐露自己的糟糕情绪的时候，Charlie也总是“takes all her moods steadily, doesn’t give in to them.” 很淡定地面对她的发泄，或许很多是无视。

而当Charlie描述Nicole的时候，他说：

What I love about Nicole. She makes people feel comfortable about even embarrassing things. She really listens when someone is talking. Sometimes she listens too much for too long. 

Nicole很擅长倾听，有时候听了太多太长时间。

Nicole gives great presents. She is a mother who plays, really plays. She never steps off playing, or says it’s too much. And it must be too much some of the time. She’s competitive. She’s amazing at opening jars because of her strong arms, which I’ve always found very sexy. She keeps the fridge over-full. No one is ever hungry in our house. She can drive a stick. After that movie, All Over The Girl, she could have stayed in LA and been a movie star, but she gave that up to do theater with me in New York. She’s brave.

Charlie说Nicole是个很好的妈妈，会陪孩子玩，会用自己强有力的手臂拧开罐头，永远不会让家里人饿着。她本可以是个电影明星，但她为了我放弃了。She’s Brave. Charlie认为她很勇敢。

但Nicole却说，I got smaller. 我觉得自己变得更渺小了。He didn’t see me as separate from himself. 他没有把我和他分开。

Nicole: [to Nora] In the beginning, I was the actress, the star, and that felt like something, you know. People came to see me at first, but the farther away I got from that, and the more acclaim the theater company got, I had less and less weight. I just became, “Who?” “Well, you know, the actress that was in that thing that time.” And he was the draw. And that would’ve been fine, but I got smaller. I realized I didn’t ever really come alive for myself. I was just feeding his aliveness. 

Nicole却在这十年里丧失了自我。她曾经是最耀眼的那个演员，大家都涌过来看她。而到后来，因为时时配合丈夫的事业，he became the draw. Charlie成了焦点。

这让Nicole觉得非常有落差。

后来当Nicole重新开始演戏,她以为会迎来Charlie的支持，但并没有。

Nicole says to her lawyer Nora, 

And I was embarrassed about it in front of him, but it was also like, “Yeah, this is who I am, and this is what I’m worth.” And maybe it’s stupid, but at least it’s mine. And if he had just taken me into a big hug and said, “Baby, I’m so excited for your adventure. Of course I want you to have a piece of earth that’s yours.” Well, then, we might not be getting divorced. But he made fun of it, and was jealous like he is, and then he realized about the money. 

Nicole觉得自己终于找回了自己的一小片天地,she wants to have a piece of earth that’s hers. 但Charlie却只想着这让自己的戏院损失了多少钱。

如果当时Charlie给她的反应是oh baby，我太为你高兴了，你又重新做回了你自己。或许他们就不用离婚了。

也正是这些落差，彻底击垮了Nicole. 她决定离婚。

But is Charlie the only one to be blamed? I don’t think so. 

When Nicole explains that Charlie ruined her life, and that he tried to control her, he reminds her that she chose her life with him. 

You and I both know you chose this life. You wanted it until you didn’t. You liked this life until you decided you hated it.

曾经也是Nicole自己选择了这样的生活。只是后来后知后觉，她并不喜欢。

而她，也没有及时向Charlie表述自己的不满，自己想做出改变等等。直到要离婚，Charlie还很意外。

如此种种都是因为他们的沟通出现了问题。

Just like what Nicole says at the beginning, ”It's not as simple as not being in love anymore."

They both know they deeply love each other. But they didn’t dare to face their problems until they file a divorce, and looking for lawyers to find the best solution. 

这次的离婚，反而逼着他们撕破脸去直面婚姻里的问题，去坦诚地沟通。

这或许也是这部影片引起那么多人共鸣的原因。虽然不是大家都在经历婚姻经历离婚，但每个人每一天都在和别人做沟通，都遇到过误会。

倾听和沟通，不光在婚姻里是必需品，在日常生活中也一样。

Julian Treasure曾经在一个TED演讲里分享他的学会倾听的方法。其中最重要的总结是一个acronym，梵文的缩写RASA. which means essence, 本质。

Julian says,

RASA stands for "Receive," which means paying attention to the person; "Appreciate," means making little noises like "hmm," "oh," "OK"; "Summarize" -- the word "so" is very important in communication; and "Ask," to ask questions afterwards. 

R意味着receive，接受。也就是要把注意力放在对方身上。A是appreciate，感激，要做出嗯，噢，好的之类的一些最起码的回应。S意味着So，总结。别人说完后帮着总结。最后一个A是ask，针对对方的内容提出问题。

RASA is a perfect rule for a good communication: to receive, to appreciate, to summarize, and to ask. 

预祝大家周末愉快~