Asking for Help

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Heidi Grant: How to ask for help and get a yes
如何求助以及获得肯定的回答

So, asking for help is basically the worst, right? I've actually never seen it on one of those top ten lists of things people fear, like public speaking and death, but I'm pretty sure it actually belongs there. 
Even though in many ways it's foolish for us to be afraid to admit that we need help, whether it's from a loved one or a friend or from a coworker or even from a stranger, somehow it always feels just a little bit uncomfortable and embarrassing to actually ask for help, which is, of course, why most of us try to avoid asking for help whenever humanly possible. 


Now when we just start by saying right now: if you need help, you are going to have to ask for it. Out loud. 
To make sure that people actually do help you when you ask for it, there are a few other things that are very helpful to keep in mind. 


First thing: when you ask for help, be very, very specific about the help you want and why. 
Vague, sort of indirect requests for help actually aren't very helpful to the helper, right? We don't actually know what it is you want from us, and, just as important, we don't know whether or not we can be successful in giving you the help. 


OK, so second tip. 
This is really important: please avoid disclaimers, apologies and bribes. Really, really important. 
So, do any of these sound familiar? " 'I'm so, so sorry that I have to ask you for this." "I really hate bothering you with this." "If I had any way of doing this without your help, I would." Sometimes it feels like people are so eager to prove that they're not weak and greedy when they ask you for help, they're completely missing out on how uncomfortable they're making you feel. And it, while it is perfectly, perfectly acceptable to pay strangers to do things for you, you need to be very, very careful when it comes to incentivizing your friends and coworkers. If you introduce incentives or payments into that, what can happen is, it starts to feel like it isn't a relationship, it's a transaction. And that actually is experienced as distancing, which, ironically, makes people less likely to help you. So a spontaneous gift after someone gives you some help to show your appreciation and gratitude—perfectly fine. 


OK, third rule, and I really mean this one: please do not ask for help over email or text. 
Email and text are impersonal. So when something is really important and you really need someone's help, make face time to make the request, or use your phone as a phone—to ask for the help that you need. 


OK. Last one, and this is actually a really, really important one and probably the one that is most overlooked when it comes to asking for help: when you ask someone for their help and they say yes, follow up with them afterward. 
There's a common misconception that what's rewarding about helping is the act of helping itself. This is not true. What is rewarding about helping is knowing that your help landed, that it had impact, that you were effective. If I have no idea how my help affected you, how am I supposed to feel about it?


The bottom line is: I know—believe me, I know—that it is not easy to ask for help. We are all a little bit afraid to do it. 
It makes us feel vulnerable. But the reality of modern work and modern life is that nobody does it alone.

So when you need help, ask for it out loud. And when you do, do it in a way that increases your chances that you'll get a yes and make the other person feel awesome for having helped you, because you both deserve it.