S2-1

CABIN PRESSURE 2x01 Helsinki

AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER: Golf Tango India,I’m going to clear you to start after Golf Echo Echo.

DOUGLAS: Thank you Carl, ready to go afterGolf Echo.

AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER: That’s Golf EchoEcho.

DOUGLAS: Sorry Tower, I thought the secondEcho was an echo.

AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER: What?

DOUGLAS: I thought you said Golf Echo…echo.When in fact, you said Golf Echo Echo. That is to say, I thought the first Echowas Echo, and the second echo was an echo of Echo. Whereas in fact both Echoeswere Echoes and neither echo was an echo.

AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER: Then perhaps Ibetter put you right to the back of the queue, while you check your radioequipment, shall I?

DOUGLAS: Golf Tango India ready to followGolf Echo Echo

OPENING CREDITS.

This week: Helsinki!

-Douglas hums happily-

MARTIN: Oh! Hello Douglas. Good Lord!

DOUGLAS: Ah. Morning Martin. I wasn’texpecting you just yet.

MARTIN: Evidently not!

DOUGLAS: Have you picked up the weather?

MARTIN: Uh, yes. North Sea turbulence,clear skies at Helsinki.

DOUGLAS: Oh Jolly Good!

MARTIN: Douglas I cannot help but notice,you’ve filled the flight deck with orchids.

DOUGLAS: Yes. Yes, I have done that. Yes.

MARTIN: Are you about to propose to me?

DOUGLAS: It pains me to break your heartMartin, but no. These are for another man, a Finnish customs officer namedMilo, to be exact.

MARTIN: And what does he have that I don’thave?

DOUGLAS: Fishcakes.

MARTIN: Really?

DOUGLAS: Also: salmon, turbot andlangoustine.

MARTIN: Oh Douglas, you’re not smugglingagain…

DOUGLAS: Absolutely not, perish thethought! A simple exchange of gifts! You see, a friend gave me these orchidswhen we were in Cyprus, as a token of appreciation, for the sixteen jars ofbéarnaise sauce I gave him, which were in turn an unwanted gift from a friendin Marseille. The orchids are lovely, but not quite my thing, so I shall passthem on to my friend in Helsinki, and who knows? He may wish to show hisgratitude by presenting me with assorted fish, and fish products, which wouldbe just the very thing for a friend of mine in Zurich. They’re rather short offresh seafood in Switzerland…don’t know why.

MARTIN: I see. But if you just keepbartering each thing along, what’s the point?

DOUGLAS: Well put it this way: I have hereabout five hundred EUROS‘ worth of flowers, and I shall exchange them for aboutfive hundred and sixty EUROS’ worth of fish. And I started three months agowith a cheese sandwich… right that's most of them hidden away, could you putthis bunch under your seat?

MARTIN: Ooof…

ARTHUR: Good morning, good morning, goodmorning gents, teas, coffees, keys, toffees!

DOUGLAS: Morning Arthur. You seem a littlelow-spirited…

ARTHUR: Do I?

DOUGLAS: No.

MARTIN: What is it this time…? Did thenumbers you would have picked in the lottery come up again?

ARTHUR: Oh that was a great day, wasn’t it?Sixty thousand pounds!

MARTIN: That you didn’t win.

ARTHUR: But that’s what my numbers wereworth! Brilliant! No, no, nothing like that. No, ah- let’s just say I’m reallylooking forward to meeting our passenger today.

DOUGLAS: Oooh! Who is it? Let’s see…MisterArthur Millener; stockbroker. Yes, he sounds enormous fun!

CAROLYN: Oh you’re here already. What’reyou doing in here?

MARTIN: Arranging flowers.

CAROLYN: Don’t get sarcastic with me!

MARTIN: Sorry Carolyn.

ARTHUR: Excuse me, back in a minute…

CAROLYN: Right, you’ve got clear skies atHelsinki, your alternate is Stockholm, Douglas you operate out.

DOUGLAS: Wilko. Who’s this Millener chapwe’re flying then? Arthur seems very keen to meet him.

CAROLYN: No idea. Internet bookingpayment's gone through fine, though, and so...

ARTHUR: Happy Birthday!!!

CAROLYN: Ohh you remembered!!!  

DOUGLAS: Oh yes! Happy Birthday!

MARTIN: Yes! Happy birthday!

ARTHUR: You thought I’d forgotten didn’tyou?

CAROLYN: Well I wasn’t sure…

ARTHUR: Of course not! Not a specialbirthday like this one!

CAROLYN: What’s so special aboutsixty-three?

ARTHUR: Well you know, because of the song…Do you still like me, can you still see me? No, I’m sixty-three!

DOUGLAS: Ah, that song. Carolyn you’reaware I had forgotten, aren’t you?

CAROLYN: Yes, don't worry; I forgot to putany money on your expenses card. Paying for your own hotel room can be yourpresent.

DOUGLAS: That’s…that’s a very big present!

CAROLYN: I know! I’m such a lucky girl! Youshouldn’t have!

MARTIN: I didn’t forget.

CAROLYN: Didn’t you?

DOUGLAS: Didn’t you?

MARTIN: No, I… hid my present under myseat! It’s-these.

CAROLYN: Oh orchids! How lovely!

DOUGLAS: Gosh! How generous of you, Martin.

MARTIN: Not that generous.

DOUGLAS: Pretty generous, orchids are veryexpensive.

MARTIN: Quite expensive, not all thatexpensive.

DOUGLAS: You’d be surprised

MARTIN: No, I wouldn’t!

DOUGLAS: Yes, you will.

ARTHUR: My present then, time for mypresent!

CAROLYN: Yes I’m sorry dear, what is it? 

ARTHUR: Well it’s a pretty special one, andit’s in the cabin so, are you ready?

CAROLYN: Yes.

ARTHUR: Mum, it’s been fifteen years sinceyou’ve seen her but today, for your birthday, get ready to meet…your sisterRuth!

CAROLYN: Oh.

ARTHUR: And her husband Philip, and hergrandson Kieran… hurray!

KIERAN: Aren’t you going to say anything toher, granny?

RUTH: Well Kieran, when a lady is asked todrive a hundred and fifty miles to meet her sister, she naturally assumes it’sbecause her sister has something to say to her. But evidently not.

CAROLYN: Arthur, during your nodoubt-meticulous planning of this occasion, did it occur to you that if twosisters haven’t spoken for fifteen years, there might be a reason for it?

ARTHUR: No.

CAROLYN: Ah. Well regrettably you’ll haveto tell your aunt she’s wasted her time. We are about to leave for Helsinki andI have much to do.

ARTHUR: Aha! That’s the second part of mypresent.

CAROLYN: What?

ARTHUR: I booked the trip! So we can all gotogether!

MARTIN: You booked the trip?

DOUGLAS: You’re Arthur Millener?

ARTHUR: Yes!

MARTIN: Millener? Why Millener?

ARTHUR: Because it’s not my name but itsounds like a name that someone might have.

MARTIN: And Arthur?

ARTHUR: That was the clever bit, it’s thelast name you’d expect me to use, because it actually is my name!

DOUGLAS: To be honest Arthur, I think themoment you decided to book your aunt on a fake flight to Helsinki you had us onthe back foot…expectations wise.

CAROLYN: Arthur, a word with you in thegalley

ARTHUR: I don’t want to.

CAROLYN: I want you to.

DOUGLAS: Oh dear. This is a little awkward,isn’t it?

RUTH: It’s not awkward for me

DOUGLAS: Oh good. Just the rest of us then.

RUTH: No.No it’s not awkward for myhusband, it’s not awkward for my grandson, we’ve nothing to feel awkward about;we accepted an invitation in good faith.

DOUGLAS: So Philip, what line of work areyou in?

RUTH: My husband’s deaf

DOUGLAS: Ah. That explains much.

RUTH: What does it explain?

DOUGLAS: Why he can’t hear me.

KIERAN: Are you the captain?

DOUGLAS: No, I’m the first officer, this isthe…

MARTIN: I'm the captain.

KIERAN: You’re very young to be a captain.

MARTIN: Oh for goodness sake, you’re anactual child!

KIERAN: No, I mean, wow! You’re very youngto be a captain! Did you display exceptional leadership skills and goal focus?

MARTIN: Ah well, it’s not for me to say

DOUGLAS: And yet, and yet…

KIERAN: Because I also display exceptionalleadership skills and goal focus. And that’s a verbatim quote from my report.Are you prepared to share the techniques of your success?

MARTIN: Oh well, yes, there’s probably atip or two I can pass along. What do you say we have you up in the flight deckonce we get under way, eh?

KIERAN: I am delighted to accept!

DOUGLAS: And the small matter of theanti-terrorism laws, captain?

MARTIN: Ohh let’s not get too hide-bound byrules and regs, eh number one?

DOUGLAS: Number one?

MARTIN: Douglas.

RUTH: And when will we be getting underway, might I ask?

DOUGLAS: Ah. Of course, not having seenyour sister for so long, it’s possible you may have missed certain subtle signsjust now that would warn the experienced Carolyn watcher not to bank on seeingHelsinki today. Sorry to rain on your parade Martin.

MARTIN: No, no, no, my parade’s fine. Bonedry. Bad news for the import/export parade though I’d have thought. I wonderhow long fresh orchids keep.

DOUGLAS: Ah. Excuse me for a moment.

CAROLYN: And how did you even pay for it?

ARTHUR: With a credit card, online.

CAROLYN: You don't have a credit card.

ARTHUR: Your credit card.

CAROLYN: My credit card!?

ARTHUR: No because it doesn’t matter,because it’s your plane, so you’re just paying yourself, it’s free!

CAROLYN: The fuel’s not free, the landingfees are not free, the business we would have had if MisterArthur-idiot-Millener hadn't been hogging the plane isn’t free. Ah, Douglas,good. Arthur, go and tell Ruth and her hangers on to sling their collectivehook.

ARTHUR: Ok. Sorry mum.

CAROLYN: And Douglas, cancel the flightplan.

DOUGLAS: Are you sure?

CAROLYN: Of course I’m sure! I’m notspending time and fuel taking my rotten sister on a jolly to Finland.

DOUGLAS: You know best. She did come allthis way…

CAROLYN: Because she smelt a freebie!

DOUGLAS: Maybe. She still came though. Andthen there’s Arthur. Internet booking, pseudonym, secret phone calls toLancashire. That’s a lot of work he put in, especially for an idiot.

CAROLYN: Now just call me a cynical oldbat…

DOUGLAS:*Inhales*

CAROLYN: Don't even think about it. But isit entirely without the bounds of possibility that you have an ulterior motivefor this trip going ahead?

DOUGLAS: Carolyn, I hope you know me betterthan that. At any given moment I never have fewer than seven ulterior motivesin play - but even so…

CAROLYN: Would I have to talk to her?

DOUGLAS: Flying her to Finland in silencemight seem a little eccentric.

RUTH: And not just for the petrol mind?There's Philip’s loss of earnings to think of, there's general wear and tear

CAROLYN: So, Ruth.

RUTH: I’m sorry, is somebody talking to me?

CAROLYN: Yes, I’m talking to you.

RUTH: Well, thank you.

CAROLYN: For what?

RUTH: For accepting you were in the wrong.

CAROLYN: I didn’t!

RUTH: Well you implicitly did by being thefirst to speak.

CAROLYN: No I didn't

RUTH: Well you did. So apology accepted.

CAROLYN: Apology not given

RUTH: Apology still accepted. Now what didyou want?

CAROLYN: All I want is to tell exactlywhere you can go Ruth! And that is to-

DOUGLAS: Carolyn.

CAROLYN: -Helsinki. Would you - would youlike to go to Helsinki?

RUTH: Well. I suppose now we’re here andyou’ve apologized.

CAROLYN: I haven’t.

RUTH: Alright then.

CAROLYN: Good

RUTH: Yes.

ARTHUR: Hurray!

MARTIN: Incidentally Arthur, why on earthHelsinki?      

ARTHUR: I’ve just always wanted to go toHelsinki. It sounds really fun!

MARTIN: What have you ever heard aboutHelsinki?

ARTHUR: Nothing! I mean the name!:Helsinki! How could you not have fun in Helsinki? Is like half helter skelterand half twinkly!

DOUGLAS: I’ve always thought it sounds likea sink in hell

ARTHUR: Well now you’ve spoilt it.

AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER: Golf Tango India,join the visual circuit at three thousand feet, turn left, follow your nose,and if you get lost, stop and ask.

DOUGLAS: Yes, thank you Carl, roger.

ARTHUR: Ah chaps? Little chap here said yousaid he could come up.

KIERAN: I’m not a little chap!

ARTHUR: Yes, you are.

MARTIN: Oh yes! Come on in Kieran!

ARTHUR: Uh Skipper says you can go in

KIERAN: Yes, I heard him.

ARTHUR: Um, it’s my job to tell you.

KIERAN: What a stupid job!

ARTHUR: No, you've got a stupid job!

KIERAN: I’m at school!

ARTHUR: Yeah!

MARTIN: Kieran, hello! Sit yourself downthere, we call that the jump seat

KIERAN: Yes, I know!

MARTIN: Okay, so this array of screens andknobs might look very imposing, but it’s actually not so very different fromyour… dad’s car…What?

KIERAN: I’m sorry, it’s just I haveMicrosoft Flight Simulator X Deluxe Edition. I do three to four hour trainingevery day.

DOUGLAS: Playing you mean.

KIERAN: No, I use it as a training tool.

DOUGLAS: Mmm, but it’s a game, so…playing.

KIERAN: Anyway, I’m probably familiar withmore flight instruments layouts than you are.

MARTIN: Well I doubt it actually. I’ve alsogot Flight Simulator.

KIERAN: Oh, which edition?

MARTIN: Ninety-five.

KIERAN: And how often do you train on it?

DOUGLAS: Play on it.

MARTIN: Most days.

DOUGLAS: Hang on, hang on Martin. You comehome after ten or twelve hours flying an aeroplane and then to wind down, yousit in front of the computer and pretend to fly an aeroplane.

KIERAN: Perfectly sensible procedure!Allows you to revise infrequently met hazards.

MARTIN: Yes! Exactly, you see Douglas?

DOUGLAS: I see that your life meets withthe approval of the obsessive fourteen year old boy.

KIERAN: Obsessive is just a word thedisorganized use for the focused.

DOUGLAS: It’s not the only word they use

MARTIN: Ignore him! Just ignore him! Nowthen, what did you want to ask me?

KIERAN: Ah, well, let me start by gettingan idea of your hinterland. What are your outside interests?

MARTIN: Outside of what?

KIERAN: Outside flying.

MARTIN: Outside flying?

KIERAN: Yes!

MARTIN: You mean what else am I interestedin apart from flying?

KIERAN: Yeah! Like ah, for instance I haveGrade 7 Lute and I’m not even going to take Grade 8 ‘cause my tutor says I’d bebetter off spending the time getting to concert standard.

MARTIN: Well no, I don't play the lute…

KIERAN: And I’m an orange belt in karate!

DOUGLAS: Orange? Scariest of all thecolors.

KIERAN: Yeah, well, it’s scary enough thatI’m classified as a deadly weapon and actually forbidden by law from using myskills except in self-defense!

DOUGLAS: Goodness! How you must long forsomeone to clip you around the ear!

MARTIN: Douglas!

RUTH: So! This is your husband's famousexecutive jet!

CAROLYN: It’s not an executive jet, he’snot my husband and it’s not his. But otherwise, spot on!

RUTH: Mmm…queer little thing, isn’t it? Isthe wing supposed to be doing that?

CAROLYN: Yes it is!

RUTH: And this noise is normal, is it?

CAROLYN: Perfectly normal!

RUTH: And is this supposed to come off?

CAROLYN: Yes! No, give it to me.     

RUTH: How is your ex-husband, anyway?

CAROLYN: You know very well I don't talk tohim.

RUTH: Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t mean thatex-husband, I meant your other ex-husband.

CAROLYN: He’s fine, I believe.

RUTH: Oh good. I always liked Ian

CAROLYN: Yes I remember.

RUTH: Sorry to put my foot in it, I forgotyou have such a complicated life.

CAROLYN: I wouldn’t call it a complicatedlife.

RUTH: Oh wouldn’t you? What would you callit then?

CAROLYN: A life.

ARTHUR: Oh hey ma! Ah hello auntie Ruth!Catching up? Great-would you like a drink? Orange juice? Coke?

CAROLYN: I would like a triple scotch and Iwould very much like to be the one that fetches it.

ARTHUR: Oh right, that’s brilliantactually, auntie Ruth where’s the cake?

RUTH: What cake?

ARTHUR: The birthday cake. Mum’s birthdaycake.

RUTH: I don't know.

ARTHUR: But…didn’t you get my e-mail?Asking you to bring a cake?

RUTH: Yes I got it. I didn’t reply though,did I?

ARTHUR: Just thought you might like tobring a cake.

RUTH: Why? Because I’m just somestay-at-home-housewife who'd be only all too ever-so-pleased to do the bakingfor Little Miss Businesswoman Carolyn?

ARTHUR: No, I-I don't know, I’m sorry. Ijust wanted to surprise mum with a cake.

RUTH Then you should’ve bought a cake,shouldn’t you?

ARTHUR: Yes I should!

RUTH: Well then.

MARTIN: I And that I think basicallyis-is-is the the-the situation in broad terms.

KIERAN: Right. In future it’s fine just tosay you don't know. Ok next question;

DOUGLAS: No, I don't think so, time for youto pop back off to your granny I rather think.

KIERAN: But I haven’t finished!

MARTIN: Yes, you have! Douglas is quiteright; we are very busy up here.

KIERAN: But Capitan I wanted to ask thesecret of your enormous success.

MARTIN: Uh, would you say enormous success?

KIERAN: Of course! Command position bythirty two, that’s remarkable! And there’s always something to learn from theremarkable.

MARTIN: Yes, well, I suppose that’s true.I-I wouldn’t say it myself, but um- but that’s the English disease isn’t it? Wedon't celebrate our success; we don't blow our own trumpet.

DOUGLAS: Can I just say sir; how inspiringit’s been to watch you fight that disease?

KIERAN: So! First things first, whichflying school did you go to?

MARTIN: Ah you see, my story is even moreremarkable than that, I actually put myself through my PPL and CPL.

KIERAN; Interesting, you didn’t even thinkit was worth applying!

MARTIN: Oh, well I did apply.

KIERAN: And turned down their offer?!

MARTIN: I didn’t- I didn’t get an offer assuch, at the time.

KIERAN: Not as such?

MARTIN: Alright, not at all! So what? I didit the hard way! I did menial jobs and night shifts for years to save up forthe flying hours and the instrument rating and then I saved up all over againto do the retake!

KIERAN: You failed your instrument rating?

MARTIN: I passed it eventually.

KIERAN: Good for you. Anyway I’m sorry tohave wasted your time. I’ll leave you in peace now.

MARTIN: What? No! Don't be like that! I’m acaptain at thirty-two; we just agreed that was impressive!

KIERAN: Mm. It’s just your career templateisn’t a close fit with my own.

MARTIN: Oh? And what’s your careertemplate?

KIERAN: Christ College, Cambridge, RAFscholarship, two tours of duty, conversion course at Oxford Air Training, 20years with major airline. Retire at 45. Enter politics, reach Cabinet levelwithin six Parliamentary terms.

DOUGLAS: And when will it be our pride andprivilege to have you as prime minister?

KIERAN: I assure you I have no primeministerial ambitions. Unless my colleagues insist that that is where my dutylies.

DOUGLAS: Oh God, you probably going to makeit.

DOUGLAS: Ah! Hello Arthur. Kettle on?

ARTHUR: Oh, you should have rung, I’d have,I'd have made it.

DOUGLAS: No, I wanted a little respite fromJunior Mussolini. What on Earth are you doing?

ARTHUR: I’m making a cake.

DOUGLAS: Are you? Right. Out of mud andgravel?

ARTHUR: Chocolate mousse. We had sixindividual chocolate mousses left over from Cyprus. I thought if I kind ofground up these amaretto biscuits in them, and then put it in a dish on top ofthe toasted sandwich maker; they would make a sort of…

DOUGLAS: Ah. It didn’t though, did it?

ARTHUR: No.

DOUGLAS: And what’s behind this suddenenthusiasm for patisserie?

ARTHUR: Mum’s birthday! I really wanted tosurprise her with a cake.

DOUGLAS: I think you’ll definitely surpriseher with that one…     

AIRPORT OFFICER: Er, hello please sir,welcome to Helsinki, your passports please.

RUTH: Good Lord! This is Helsinki airport?I didn’t realize Helsinki was some two bit town in the middle of nowhere or Iwouldn’t have come!

AIRPORT OFFICER: Madame, I can assure you,Helsinki is a super fabulous modern city, with two international airports.

RUTH: Oh! And this is the smaller one?

AIRPORT OFFICER: This is neither of them,this is Rautavaara airfield.

MARTIN: Um…Carolyn, I-I-I- assumed you'dwanted the cheapest landing fees and Mister Millener didn’t specify…well no,obviously Mister Millener didn’t specify…

CAROLYN: No, its fine!

RUTH: So you brought all this way to sit atan airport for four hours?

CAROLYN: Look it wasn’t my idea in thefirst place!

RUTH: I’ve seen everything now, I reallyhave!

AIRPORT OFFICER: Who’s next please?

ARTHUR: Is she gone? Hi!

AIRPORT OFFICER: Okay, in your…Oooh! Whatis this strange leaky box?

ARTHUR: It’s a secret!

AIRPORT OFFICER : Okay…you know an airportis not a good place to bring secret things into…Let us have a little lookinside…Herra Isä!. What is this please?

ARTHUR: It’s a cake.

AIRPORT OFFICER: It does not look like acake.

ARTHUR: I know. I added powdered milk tomake it less runny and it didn’t make it less runny. It just made it bigger.And gave it a funny sort of smell, but it is a cake!

AIRPORT OFFICER: Sadly ehm this cake is notwelcome to Finland.

ARTHUR: What?

AIRPORT OFFICER: You can’t bring it in. Wehave very strict rules about importing foods and this definitely does not fitinto any category we have. Or will ever have.

DOUGLAS: Milo!

MILO: Ah Douglas!

DOUGLAS: My dear old friend, you don't looka day older that when we first met on that English/Finland school exchange

MILO: Ohh yeah yeah.

DOUGLAS: And to celebrate those dear olddays, and because luckily I am enormously confident in my masculinity, I havebought you a bunch of flowers.

MILO: And for my part I have remembered howmuch you loved our various fishes of the sea and I’ve brought you fourteenboxes of them.

DOUGLAS: What a thoughtful gift! Now what’sthe problem with young Arthur here?

MILO: Ah the boy is trying to bring in thisbowl of…this mainly chocolate thing. This we do not allow!

DOUGLAS: Ahh I see. But surely, if he paysthe new Anglo-Scandinavian mainly chocolate thing import tax, I heard about onthe news…

MILO: Ahh yes, yes, of course… One hundredEuros please

DOUGLAS: One hundred? I heard it was aboutfifty!

MILO: No, no, it is a hundred!

DOUGLAS: Well, I was surprised when I heardit, so the next time it was mentioned, I listened really hard, and I definitelyheard that it was seventy five.

MILO: Okay, seventy five Euros please!

ARTHUR: Thanks Douglas!

DOUGLAS: My pleasure.

MARTIN: Why, Douglas, why do we have to goin the café?

KIERAN: It’s not even open.

DOUGLAS: It’s for Arthur's surprise! He’shiding behind that counter; he’s going to leap out with his sort of a cake…

ARTHUR: Hi chaps!

DOUGLAS: …so, you two wait here, and startsinging when I bring Carolyn in.

MARTIN: Ohhh So, Kieran, suppose while wewait, do you have any other questions for me?

KIERAN: Thanks, I’m fine.

MARTIN: You're sure?

KIERAN: Mmm yes, I’m afraid I rathermiscalibrated your utility as a resource.

MARTIN: No you didn’t! You said yourself,being a captain at thirty-two is remarkable. That’s the exact word you used.

KIERAN: Well, that does puzzle me. How oldare the other captains?

MARTIN: What other captains?

KIERAN: In the airline.

MARTIN: I’m the only captain.

KIERAN: But, how does that work? You'd haveto go in every flight!

MARTIN: Yes of course, we're the pilots.

DOUGLAS: Alright, everyone ready?

KIERAN: So, when you say that you’re thecaptain, you mean, you’re the captain out of the two of you?!

MARTIN: Yes, what’s so funny about that?

KIERAN: Nothing, nothing…Of course, thatmakes sense of everything!

MARTIN: What do you mean everything?

KIERAN: Well the flying school rejection,the instrument rating failure; just the general, where you are.

MARTIN: YOU LITTLE…

DOUGLAS: Martin!

KIERAN: Imagine though, all this time, Iactually though you were a proper captain!

MARTIN: Right!

DOUGLAS: Martin, no!

*SLAP!*

KIERAN: Ow!

DOUGLAS: Oh dear. That’s really bad.

MARTIN: I’m sorry I’m sorry, I’m reallysorry.

KIERAN: You hit me!

DOUGLAS: Nah, come on, it was just a littleclip ‘round the ear

KIERAN: Which means, I can do this!

*sound of punches and Martin’s misery*

MARTIN: Ow no, please! No, please! Stop I’msorry, I’m so sorry, Ahhh!!!

CAROLYN: What on earth is going on?!

RUTH: Kieran not again, stop that thisinstant!

KIERAN: No, no, Granny it’s alright, it’salright, he hit me first! Honest!

RUTH: Of course he didn’t hit you first.Your great aunt may put on a lot of airs about this tuppeny-ha'penny littleoutfit, but even she wouldn’t employ pilots who hit children! CAROLYN: Oh God.

KIERAN: He did! He did, he hit me! Douglasdidn’t he hit me?

DOUGLAS: He may have given you a littleclip ‘round the ear.

KIERAN: Yeah, he hit me; he gave me a hitin the ear.

MARTIN: Clip ‘round, not a hit in, a clipround!

RUTH: You! You hit my grandson!

MARTIN: And he seems okay.

RUTH: You hit a defenseless child?

MARTIN: He’s NOT defenseless! He’sdefinitely not that!

RUTH: Right! You can expect to hear from mysolicitors.

CAROLYN: Oh don't talk rot! The boy'sabsolutely fine.

RUTH: This is child abuse! This could go tothe Court of Human Rights.

DOUGLAS: I really don't think it could.

CAROLYN: You can’t sue me; I should sueyou, for what your little boy has done to my pilot.

MARTIN: Please, don't do that, I reallydon't want you to do that.

RUTH: You’ve done it again, haven’t youCarol?

CAROLYN: Carolyn!

RUTH: You’ve done what you always do!You’ve bitten off more than you can chew. Run an airline? You couldn’t run asweet shop!

CAROLYN: I didn’t want to run thesweetshop! And I never said it was an airline, it’s a charter plane, and I canrun it, I’ve run it for twelve years!

RUTH: Yes, and look at the state of it!Your plane's falling to bits, you've a Nissen for an office, and you’ve a daftpilot who fights children. You’ve messed it up Carol, you’ve made a muck of it,just like at school, and with the shop and with both your marriages.

CAROLYN: I’ve…I don't , you can’t!

ARTHUR: Hey! Shut up, you…horrible aunt!

RUTH: And what are you doing there, andwhat on earth is that…bowl of mud?

ARTHUR: IT’S A CAKE!

*Sound of Arthur throwing the 'cake' atRuth and her screaming*

DOUGLAS: And he’s just surprised you withit.

AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER: Roger Golf TangoIndia, continue as clear.

MARTIN: Thank you, Sweden.

DOUGLAS: So what do we think of Helsinki onbalance: twinkly helter-skelter or sink of hell?

EVERYONE: Sink of hell.

DOUGLAS: Oh come on, it wasn’t that bad!

MARTIN: Carolyn abandoned her sister andgreat-nephew in an airfield, Arthur paid seventy five Euros for a bowl ofsludge and threw it at his aunt.

DOUGLAS: And you hit a child.

MARTIN: Yes.

CAROLYN: And were beaten up by a child.

MARTIN: Yes.

DOUGLAS: The same child.

MARTIN: Alright Douglas, I was there.

DOUGLAS: Yes, you were, on the ground,squealing for mercy.

MARTIN: Alright!

*knocking*

ARTHUR: Are you ready?

DOUGLAS: Ready! Martin dim the lights.

MARTIN: Right.

ARTHUR: Happy birthday to you.

EVERYONE: Happy birthday to you, happybirthday dear mom/Carolyn, happy birthday to you.

CAROLYN: Oh my goodness, well you certainlyhave surprised me with a cake!

DOUGLAS: Thought we might.

CAROLYN: Perhaps what’s most surprisingabout it is that it’s a fishcake!

ARTHUR: Yes, you see, Douglas said youactually probably were expecting a normal cake a bit…were you?

CAROLYN: A bit, maybe.

ARTHUR: Yeah! So even if we had one – andwe don't have one – it wouldn’t be a proper surprise, whereas this, would be!

CAROLYN: Yes it is, and, and these…

ARTHUR: They didn’t have candles in theairport shop, they only had…

CAROLYN: Cigarettes

ARTHUR: Yeah, yeah…and there’s only twentybecause…

CAROLYN: They come in packs of twenty.

ARTHUR: Well partly that, but also, as itturns out, that's as many cigarettes as you can stick in a fishcake

DOUGLAS: Every day a new of nugget ofknowledge.

CAROLYN: It’s lovely Arthur, thank you verymuch indeed.

ARTHUR: You’re welcome.

CAROLYN: And thank you for my orchidsMartin, they’re beautiful, though not quite as plentiful as the ones I sawDouglas giving that customs officer he’s in love with.

DOUGLAS: Though interestingly, about thesame price. Oh! And here’s my present.

CAROLYN: I thought you'd forgotten.

DOUGLAS: Ah you didn’t fall for that, didyou? No, my present can be seen if you look out to your right.

CAROLYN: Oh! They’re beautiful!

MARTIN: Wow! I’ve never seen them before.

DOUGLAS: Pretty aren’t they?

ARTHUR: What? What we looking at?

DOUGLAS: Your other right, Arthur.

ARTHUR: Oh! Wow! Brilliant!

CAROLYN: Though I’m not sure you can claimto have arranged for the Northern Lights to be switched on for me.

DOUGLAS: All I’m saying is if anyone youknew could, who would it be?

CAROLYN: Well, thank you very much.

ARTHUR: They rather put my fishcake in theshade.

DOUGLAS: It is of course a joint presentfrom the two of us.

MARTIN: Hey!

DOUGLAS: Alright, the three of us.

PHILIP: Um…Hello.

CAROLYN: Philip! We, we didn’t know youwere back there!

DOUGLAS: Rigorous crosscheck of the cabin,was it Arthur?

CAROLYN: Philip, I don't know how to tellyou this; we’ve left Ruth and Kieran in Helsinki.

PHILIP: Oh. Well done you.

DOUGLAS: Hang on, I thought you were deaf.

PHILIP: Shush! It’s a secret!